L’invitation au voyage in my pants


I had a moment of Spotify serendipity this morning as I descended a long staircase into the bowels of the train station. Stephin Merritt sweetly crooned

down and down we’d go
how low no one would know
sometimes the good life wears thin
I wish I had an evil twin

In our daily scrum, I mentioned this to Lambchop. Now, for back story on how this actually relates to public indecent exposure, you’ll need to read this post from 2004, The hopeless romantic. I will wait.

OK. What follows is an actual transcript of our conversation:

Lamchop: if only a man had popped out with his floppy in hand!

like a wilted rose for you

Licketysplit: it would have bloomed under the heat of my scornful glare

yeah, we should definitely talk about public masturbation today

that’s what the internet wants!

and we have so very much experience

I have seen so many casually proffered dicks in my day.

in the subway, in the Boston Commons and other parks of note, in the office!

it’s amazing we aren’t followed by a parade of giant disembodied papier-mâché dicks

like a day in Ptown

Lambchop: yes! [redacted] flashed his flaccid at me just a couple weeks ago

Licketysplit: we are always all…yawn. ok.

why does no one ever flash us boobs?

we should put out A Call for Boobs

Lambchop: seriously.

tired of wieners thx

Licketysplit: brb

Lambchop: I have been thinking about it, and even apart from public flashing, it is amazing to me how many times in my life someone has unzipped in my presence without laying any groundwork. The appearance of cock was the sole invitation or instigation to tomfoolery. Women do not do this!

On none of those ocassions was I happy to see it!

Licketysplit: haha

I am back!

Lambchop: did you see any wiener while you were gone?

And for that particular 38-minute period of the day, I did not see any wieners. There was an offer, but it was a polite verbal one from a trusted source. More of a directional suggestion, really. And my graceful decline was enough.

What kind of world do we live in where so many feel so comfortable waggling around their jumblies at complete strangers? There must be a certain percentage of occasions when this actually works and leads to alley sexual congress. That is the only logical conclusion.

Or perhaps society has been ruined by the fact that anyone can interrupt anyone at any time. Hi! I texted you! Ooh, a Facebook message from someone I haven’t seen in 20 years! I have a hair appointment tomorrow? Thanks for calling, I didn’t know how to use a calendar. You like my picture of a cat eating a sandwich! Did you tweet me, bro? No, I don’t want to order your kid’s Girl Scout cookies. Wow, thanks for emailing me with that list of great deals or ultimate Superbowl Mancaves! Someone repinned my pin! A push notification? For moi? Someone has a ridiculous question on Jelly, the app that simulates carrying a bunch of 4-year-olds around in your pocket?

Jelly. Pockets. Yes, everything comes back to masturbation.

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