I heard on Facebook that the Mayan apocalypse was supposed to happen at 6:12 a.m., but stilllll waiting. You know what did happen at 6:12? The cat threw up on the iPad. That’s it?

We live in a world where eagles can’t even properly carry off babies. Children don’t know enough to rush a gunman. People know how to comment on the Internet, despite incomplete second grade educations and missing chunks of their cerebral cortex. Matt Lauer still exists.

I, for one, am ready for the end of the world. But we got burned on the Rapture of ’11, so I don’t know. It’s like you just can’t trust prophets of doom anymore. At least we made a killing on Rapture Insurance back then. But I’ll be the first to admit we have not properly monetized this apocalypse.

Since the world did not end, it looks like I will have to go to the gym after all. Dismal.