In lieu of a humorous photo to accompany this post, I will inform you that if you google “vulgar balloon”, you will get photos of Kathy Griffin. Google, I am impressed, as that really seems like something approaching wit.
Oh lookee, we are having a parade! Everyone is so excited, so absolutely cornholed that Barack Obama has been re-elected President. I am with you thus far, Americans. I value my crotch agency and my Obamacare as much as the slattern on the next corner. But let us not get all dewy-eyed. After all, it is not 2008. And unless you are some John Deere driving pork belly with a bowling ball for a head who thinks “civil liberties” is some far left concept, it should mean something to you that our current administration has made Anthony Romero, director of the ACLU, weep with disgust.
You don’t want to hear about torture and rendition, indefinite detention, and setting infants on fire by remote control, awash as you are in the candy-like warm fuzzies of our cool b-ball twirling prezzo. You are all going to blaze one and get gay married and that is just swell.
But I do hate to see everyone so happy, on general principle. Take just a wee second from your hooting and your tweeting over the gloriousness of Obama to recall that we live in a rapidly militarizing state of constant war. You deserve your parade for not electing a complete charlatan of a corporate raider into the White House. But please notice that it is still raining.
Don’t forget about all the people who are already unhappy about Obama, huddling in their bunkers and waiting for the race war. And the people who do not give a single fuck because their home washed into the Atlantic. And the people with herpes, how can they ever be happy about anything?
And the ugly: I want a recount on whether or not they even have lives.
It is true, there will never be a parade for people with herpes.