Ever heard of Colton Burpo? If you can forget his unfortunate moniker, there is another reason to dislike the chubby little tyke. He had one of those near death hallucinations on the operating table. An extremely magical tale of white light and a visit with a miscarried sister (eww) which his minister father turned into a book, which is now being made into a film, called Heaven is For Real. If you can banish the image of a mewling fetus that wants to hug you, REJOICE for, according to Master Burpo, there is also a blonde, blue-eyed Jesus waiting in that snuggle queue! Well, thank fuck, li’l Burpo, because I thought my heathen ass was grass. Actually, I thought my ass was gonna be Satan’s personal little golf green.
We have written about our trips to Heaven in this very space, and you don’t see us making a poxy film about it! Heaven was a bonified snooze. Heaven is a lot of things, but the one thing it most certainly isn’t is REAL. Someone break it to wee, little Burpo, your dad is just an asshole. Of course the most irritating thing about the whole sorry business is that no one ever offers to pair MY ideas with a craft services table. I want advances, Malibu homes with saltwater pools and sexually voracious nannies. And you won’t even have to accept Zac Efron as Jesus*, your lord and personal celluloid savior, in the process!
*credit for that particular casting decision goes to Gawker’s angry Richard Lawson.