The internet soothes the heart

Heartburn sounds so poetic. I cannot face the world today, not with heartburn. How can you expect me to be patient, when I have heartburn?! You callous, inconsiderate cretins! My heart, it burns! Whenever I have used Google to self-diagnose, it is like a Kevin Baconesque game of how many steps will lead you to some form of cancer. I don’t fancy dying just this moment, so I avoided the wisdom of the internetz. But after suffering for a week, I had to look into it. It seems to be heartburn, and I will stop myself from hopscotching to more fatal explanations. Now if only Brian Dennehy were lurking outside my window, so I would know what to do about it. It has been well established that I enjoy suffering, so that has been a fruitful course so far.

Enough about me and my transports of affliction. The internet is broken. While it is an awesome platform for complaining, it failed to deliver a clip of Mr. Dennehy in the role he was born to play- confidante, patriarch, bear, lurker-outside-of-homes, declaring “diarrhea is a storm that rages within…” How can this amazing speech not be recorded and written about? I will have to settle for Tom Waits panegyric on MEATS.

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