Greetings, Citizens of Americorp.!

2013 is really starting to grow on me. President Palin had her hair blow dried on Live with Regis and whatever and we attended the special senate confirmation hearing for Piper Palin’s appointment to the federal bench. Li’l Piper was grilled on her construction of the constitution on issues such as abortion and gun control, predictably failing to illuminate a position on how she might rule on those cases. She *did* express an interest in blue-razz gum and an inclination to appear on the X Factor.

Literally tens of you have written in wondering about new iphone apps and stock performance. We are not here to cheat history, darlings. If you are sitting in your deplorable hovel on a mound of dirt, gettting chewed on by bedbugs, then that is exactly where you have to stay. We are also not going to reveal if Joaquin is really crazy, or only kidding. Life affords little enough mystery. We will, however share the following breakdown of some of the HOTTESTS TREEEENDZ:

    OUT

Vampires
lip collagen
horror clowns
nice Perez Hilton
Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt
Tiny Dogs
Free Will 

    IN


Lepers
Vag rejuvenation
(even scarier) Happy Clowns
evil TWIN Perez Hilton (OMG he has an evil twin!)
Donut hamburg sammich
Toy Moose
Pharma vouchers

The future is AWESOME.

7 responses to “Greetings, Citizens of Americorp.!”

  1. Rumors that Chief Justice Clarence Thomas and the First Husband were spotted in DC’s Ladystrippers after a night of drinking and shooting ARE LEFT-LIB LIES!

  2. Yeah, that can’t be right. I have heard them say, “Why go out for a shake when you got the cow at home? Wearing lipstick.”

  3. I love it here. I am staying forever. Thanks, time machine, you do come in handy. I can’t believe they finally made candy necklace flavored Slurpees, and that they are tax deductible!

  4. @Licketysplit, I love it here, too! I bet we can get a grant to study “flying on a cloud” as an alternative energy strategy.

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