My fellow Americans, I am ill! I went out among you, and what did I find? You still have no idea of the benefits of properly heat styling your hair, you cannot fathom the number of calories in an Outback menu item, and your feet are featureless blocks of concrete that even Michaelangelo couldn’t chisel and rasp back into shape. You can’t open your garage door because the garage is too full of Costco leavings. Your S.U.V. is cold out there in the driveway!
Making New Year’s resolutions that you won’t keep is only a month away, so why not start now, so you can feel bad about yourself for longer? Do you want me to carve some suggestions onto stone tablets? That worked out well a few thousand years ago, but even those have finally worn off. I’ll see what I can do. Does setting your Christmas tree on fire count as a burning bush?
Ho ho, as you can see, I am in what can clinically be described as a bad mood. I have post-holiday letdown. Thanksgiving is really the only good holiday. Christmas is the more stressful also-ran.
Look at it from my perspective: the kid gets 8 days off from school in December! On yet another day, I have to show up and act like people while the kids do some tappa tappa singa sing or something, and my own child will refuse to give me the present she made in front of the whole class. Â Also, I have been commanded to transport a flan on a 3-hour drive! Do people not realize how sensitive and temperamental pumpkin flan can be? Lives may be lost.
And then there’s this:
I have already started feeling badly about myself in anticipation of the New Year. Topics include: being too poor, not making enough money, and not having enough stuff. I also don’t think I will ever stop biting my nails.
Your flan sounds electric. For christmas, I want a woman to make me flan.
I wonder how many people have taken their own lives while listening to the Paul McCartney Christmas Song? Ding Dong!
Lambchop, it’s on my suicide rider for sure. Might as well be sure I have a reason to complete the job!
@S.B., I study my crimes starting in November and not ending until at least March. My diet is terrible, and I’m afraid of the phone, and I can’t have nice things either. I feel you.
@Morton, it’s not quite as electric as it is coagulated. You know not what you ask.