Dear Vomitola,

how do I get bloodstains out of my carpet?

Signed, Newly Single

Dear NS,

It is really tacky that you have a bloody carpet. Consider bamboo flooring.

-V

Dear Vomitola,

don’t you have anything better to do?

Signed, Your Conscience

Dear YC,

actually, there are sixteen thousand things I’m supposed to be doing. Other Wife couldn’t handle even one day at my house, so she already left. She let the air out of my tires too! However, I can’t do these sixteen thousand things because I have a child attached to me at this moment. It is a miracle that I cleaned the shower and had a meal.

-V

OK, here’s a real one:

“Ethicist: my coworkers are constantly interrupting me.
If I grunt and look back at my screen, I’m a bitch.
But if I respond and chat, I don’t get anything done.
What shall I do?”

The Ethicist replies: You should wear headphones and sing along to whatever is playing. Smile and nod and make “I can’t hear you” motions. Smiling is cheerful, so you are not a bitch. May I suggest a little Manilow? Or Pitbull.