Internet, I cannot provide you with the filth I had planned to smear today.

A new baby is here, innocent and, well, a little fat. He could stand to lose a few ounces. Never too early to watch the figure.

Please welcome Declan Patrick*, delivered this morning by an Italian Oompa Loompa. His mother and father are resting after a long night (time actually extends like pulled taffy when one is in a hospital). We laughed, we cried, we hurled. I feel like I just stepped off a long haul flight, and I didn’t even have to do any birthing!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to zombie my way into the shower and then attend a wedding. Maybe I can work in a funeral too.

*David, you are exempt from even thinking about children, although your song was the hit of the maternity ward.