Mama’s little baby loves diesel, diesel

I am so in the wrong line of non-work. During a lull in my breakfast of cookies, I read an article entitled Unborn babies carry pollutants, study finds. I was intrigued! Do they carry them in adorable little gingham rucksacks or perhaps in their swim bladders? Do they swallow them in condom balloons and try to act casual in the Miami airport?

The first sentence is certainly alarming: “Unborn U.S. babies are soaking in a stew of chemicals, including mercury, gasoline byproducts and pesticides, according to a report released on Thursday.”

Then they go on to mention that this data was collected from ten (10) samples of cord blood. That’s ten (10) samples. This is the same group that came out with the study last year on chemicals in breast milk that had some moms I know going “OMGWTFBBQ, my milk is made of oven cleaner!” And while no one wants to baste her fetus in methylmercury, one must wonder where these ten (10) mothers sampled lived? Next door to a Superfund site? Three Mile Island? Under the Jersey Turnpike, that’s it. Maybe C.H.U.D.s are not the ideal population for study.

Ah, Amurrica. I don’t doubt that our environmental laws are ridiculous, that everything gives you cancer, and that every day I am ingesting at least a Big Gulp worth of pure poison, but since when is ten (10) samples a reasonable study? I am going to get in on this hot study action. Did you know that one out of one cats in this household does not like wheat litter? One out of one husbands enjoys preparing grilled food (rife with carcinogens!). One out of one questionably employed wives spends too much time on the internet. Why, that’s 100%! Where is my sponsorship? I’m saving lives here, jerks.

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