Clammy is off fighting the good fight at the gym. So I am taking this time to send some inspirational thoughts her way, like so many doves. Soon you will be lithe and muscular, nibbling at your Ricola and sniffing derisively at the spare-tire pushup pant wearing teens as they run for the Mister Softee truck, wheezing through their blow holes. To help you on your way, there are several new diets you might try. I am on all of them!

South Reach Diet

If you are prevented by your expanse from grooming anything “south of the equator,” there are handy recipes for rock soup (it’s a concentration of taste!) combined with nightly stretching. The Don’t List is headed by cheese fries and Pop-Tarts.

Liquid Luxury

Did you know that water can contain CARBS?! Make sure you purchase a carb-free water and boil it down to its essential, mineral rich purity. This savory dish should be served hot in a glass bowl to avoid too much iron. Moisten a face cloth to suckle whenever you crave a Snack! Remember, moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty.

My personal favorite diet acknowledges the fact that Eating represents total failure of will power. The truly dedicated will abstain from ingestion of evil calories:

Negative Thought Weight

Studies show that thinking about food does not provide any undesirable thought weight. So break out the lasagna, the fritos, and the gorgonzola bacon baguettes- you can roll them across the conveyor belt in your mind at a sumptuous ZERO CALORIES!!

I am having cheese toast right this minute.

-xo