Curse it all, but I have to contend with the return of Steele! I tremble equally with awe at his acquiline profile and with rage at how he wrests my friend’s attentions from me! Is there a scientific name for when girlfriends are unceremoniously swept aside in favor of fresh boy?

Oh Lambchop, remember all our good times? Remember when you got into Yale? Who was there with you, under the bridge in the Public Garden, sipping grape-flavored Mad Dog? ME! Remember the time that drunk guy parked his yellow Geo Tracker in front of my balcony and left it unlocked with the keys in it? Who was right there with you, turning it to face the opposite direction? ME! Who was with you when Nick Cave purchased a YooHoo at Christies? ME!

In case you have forgotten, may I remind you of a picture from our girlhood:

Doesn’t that tug the heart strings? Mom always liked you best! Now I am going to go and fling myself on my canopy bed, to have a proper be-kneesocked schoolgirl tantrum!

Hmmph!