Heyyyyyyy! All you sexy ladies out there throw your hands up!

Great. Thanks for being so cooperative. Now that I’ve gotten your attention by chaining those hands to a pipe in my makeshift chamber of horrors, let’s chat! I can’t believe you left the house looking that good. It’s working for you, girl.

We at Vomitola are very pleased that the level of national discourse on sexiness has finally been raised from dealing with mere garden variety birth control hoarding sluttiness. We all know the real issue at hand: a lady’s inherent rapeability. And then if someone achieves rape, was it a legitimate rape or just a shoddy pretender to rape? People need definitions! We are adrift in a sea of splayed legs and “was that a choke hold or was he just happy to see you?” Who can make sense anymore?

In this time of confusion, we want to help, you, the addled but sexy women of America, better plan your nights out. What am I going to wear if I want to be raped/unraped? If I select “raped,” am I looking to go legit or fly under the radar?

Ta-da! We are introducing a new free app, the RAPEOMETER! Simply upload a photo of your planned outfit for a night on the town, and we’ll rate you on a scale of Illegitimate Rape to Meh to Legitimate Rape. Is that top just grope-worthy or is it total rape bait? We know you want to know so you can adjust your secretions accordingly!

Once you select your desired rape threshold, if your outfit doesn’t measure up, we’ll provide an inspirational custom playlist and cocktail suggester to help you meet your goal.

Coming soon for iOS, Android, and Windows Phone (Although, spoiler, the default result for Windows Phone is “Not Sexy Enough to Rape Legitimately” UNLESS you have the pink Lumia).

So watch out and help others watch your asses, ladies! You’re not gonna rape yourself, after all. This has been a Vomitola Service Announcement.