My, my. This week is just flying by. My lawyer is out at a seminar all this week and can’t handly my lawyerly needs, so I’ve been calling other lawyers he is lawyer friends with. They are equally lawyer nice, so I settled on the one with the best name. Then after my scalp massage and disco yoga class, I had to practice my Chinese. I did this very, very loudly so as to bother my upstairs neighbor. This is payback for hearing one of his students mangling “The Yellow Rose of Texas” earlier. Wednesdays are apparently adult ed days.
It’s hard to tell good ideas from bad ideas, isn’t it. Should I be learning Cantonese instead? Should I have made that spreadsheet of all the food items in the house? Is a $28 haircut ever going to be as good as an $85 haircut? Why does anyone care about finding the largest prime number*? All of this confusion is why I like to look to the Lord. But the nosy church billboard down the street says “We love Him because He loved us first.” This is probably the most co-dependent sentiment ever expressed. Lots of awful people have liked me in the past, and I believe I’ve done the right thing in sending them packing. Now, I’m not calling the Lord awful, per se, but what has he done for me lately? You have to work for this, people. You wanna a piece of me, you hafta make it worth-a my while. Press the button, get a piece of cheese. So when the Lord weighs in to tell me if I should get a stackable washer/dryer or a side by side unit, I’ll love him. Or not, because he may not agree with me, and then I’ll have to ignore him.
*225964951-1, so far
Memo to self: do not go to grocery store on day before a holiday. People were tossing hams back and forth like footballs. Animals! I watched fat children waddling out of the store, already munching on candy. Maybe they brought it with them in the first place. Shopping hard.
Luckily, all I needed was salsa and beer, because we celebrate the Lord’s rising by having people over to watch a lot of zombie movies. What could be more fitting? Jesus was the original Undead. Besides, the zombie movie is the golden rectangle of movie formulas. I can’t think of an occasion when the zombie movie is not appropriate.
It’s get-up-and-go Monday, and that means I got out of bed well before noon. I don’t like it any more than you men, but it’s how science and the Lord need me to be. I have already done distasteful things like send invoices and print labels and finish the leftover wine in a glass that was on the coffee table. That last one was not as bad as I thought it would be. I think it was Gewurztraminer.
Later, I turned on the TV, and it started on the surgery channel. Instead of operations, they were showing something called “The Baby Human.” That program featured researchers showing babies clown masks. Guess what? The babies cried, because CLOWNS ARE FUCKING SCARY. Where can I get an Obvious Grant? So far, my preliminary findings include the fact that traffic can be stressful. I confirmed this between 1 and 3 pm. Also, people dislike closing doors on their fingers. At least I do.
And damn, $4 coffees and damn. I get up to all kinds.
Going to hell, going to hell.
It’s Tough Love Thursday over here. During a commercial break in the surgery show I like so much, I caught two seconds of Dr. Phil’s oversized maw saying “You’ve really got to pull your head out!” I never found out whom he was addressing, so I will assume “all of us.” So I switched back to surgery, pondering this message from our next President of the United States, and whaddya know, they were pulling a head out on that show, too! It’s like God is talking to me.
OK, God is talking to me. He keeps sending me a bat. I can’t be sure if it’s the same bat every time, but they all certainly share the same accusatory aloofness. God also said to order pizza. God frowns on poor life decisions, like smoking crack and having children with people you don’t like. God approves of putting thought into one’s hairstyle and good fuel economy. God said to start a spaceship religion, but I only got halfway through filling out the non-profit tax forms. I wonder how the Lutherans managed? Those things are complex.
God also provided me with a handy list of things to talk about on internet “blogs.”
1. What have you eaten lately?
2. What do you plan to eat in the future?
3. Read any good NYT articles?
4. How’s the weather? Do you have any thoughts on how the weather is?
5. What are your terrible, boring hobbies?
6. Do you have a child? Is it developmentally on schedule?
7. Date much?
8. What gives you the damn right?
9. Isn’t Michael Jackson strange?
10. Pets. You must have pets, a well-adjusted person like you.