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What’s It Like in Ohio

Get Out the Vomitola: 2012

It begins, chitterlumpkins! People are posting their “I Voted” stickers on Facebook. The Obama voters all used artfully framed Instagram shots, styled and filtered to appear fresh and glistening in the morning light. The Romney voters served up shaky Android shots of crumpled stickers not even removed from the backing, clutched with sausage fingers.  I guess this is only fair considering there is no filter called “Apocalypse.” Kelvin might have worked.

Also, dear Facebook pundits, just shut down the “I’m for the squelching of people’s personal rights in the name of fiscal conservatism” thing.  Know who else was a fiscal conservative? Bill Fucking Clinton. Go on, check the Wikipedia. I seem to recall getting some government hand outs that allowed actual trailer trash, me, Licketysplit, to go to college.

From this vantage above the tree line, Lambchop and I took enough drugs to disqualify us from ever being presidents. But you have no idea how much valuable financial planning we got done while coming down from those drugs, and this has led us to all the great success we enjoy today as latter day more attractive Buffetts. Much of the wealth of our later years has stemmed from the success of our killer app, the RAPEOMETER!

To this end, as Empire Vomitola, we are accorded a vote as a corporation, plus we each get an individual vote. The ultimate luxury these days is being so filthy rich it doesn’t matter who wins, and so we stepped into the booth this morning and voted our true conscience: Hello Kitty and Kucinich write ins! Yeah, take that, you striving almost upper middle class Republicans concerned enough about a few hundred extra bucks in taxes to trample the rights of all. We, Empire Vomitola, voted for a cartoon cat. We are so incredible that we are exempt from these little tiny issues that trouble you.

Eh, whatever. Ohio, as usual, it’s all up to you. I’ll be in my Mercury retrograde shelter in my nest of shredded money. Please poors, don’t pick today to figure out you can band together!

A better idea for today: vote, then stay home under the couch and listen to Love’s Secret Domain on repeat.