Category Archives: Uncategorized

Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

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Most of you are probably already aware of the tragic news that Laura Branigan has Left the Building. When I was in the third grade at P.S. 23 in the spring of 1981, no fewer than 3 separate acts of girls in the talent show lip-synched in choreographed dance routines to “Gloria”. It was so 80’s!

Please share your Gloria memories with us here at Vomitola. We are here for you.

And if you are too overcome with Gloria-related emotion to find the words right now, here are some pictures of Lambchop in her underwear, to shill goods for our favorite comic, Achewood.

-xo

Memorieeeeees…

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These are some very nice people. They have moved to your neighborhood of Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Be nice to them. Approach them with flowers and dinner invitations and you will receive some fine company.

Last night I spent a long time perusing Violet’s fine photographs, missing them and thinking of the Manhattan skyline, back then visible from my high school on the hill in Jersey City, and now from their living room. When I was fifteen I could ride a bike (borrowed from a neighborhood skate boy, we never had bikes)to the waterfront and those glittering gray slabs of promises loomed right there, but we could go no farther than the grimy Hudson, pitching cigarettes into the oily drink and going home before we got in trouble.

Maybe some time I will go the rest of the way. I miss the lights.

-xo

That’s Entertainment!

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This is Bob. I can’t really tell you what happened to Bob but I can tell you it was a lot of fun and you should all go and see “Pony Trouble” when it disgraces your local porn theater. The shoot continues to go swimmingly and I have actually picked up some tips for the scripts I am working on. Pine Valley here I come!

In other news, the Smugglers and I did Rollerskating II (electric boogaloo). I love to whirl around the rink, but I think I will never learn to skate backwards. Which is strange, because that’s how I do pretty much everything else. The teen girls at the rink are a frightening species. You take one look at their mean, kohled eyes and their protruding thongs and you know that giving blowjobs is right up next to having a slice of pizza and kicking some bitches ass, in the list of their Saturday night activities. My Saturday night on the other hand included Taco Bell, Orange Julius, and trying on new tiaras at Claire’s Accessories. Maybe I am just simple!

-xo

My cup runneth over

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A client just asked me to move the “FPO” stamped on an image by two pixels. Motherfucking fucker. I asked if it was worth me charging another hour to the project, and he agreed that it was not. I am so glad rational heads prevailed.

Working at home would be great if it weren’t for the work. Although there is something to be said for answering the phone in one’s underwear. Sammich time!

I had a dream

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I was looking out the window at a squalid landscape of abandoned factories and railroad tracks. Maybe I lived in Baltimore! An inner city elementary school field trip happened to walk by, lead by two well-meaning white thirty-seven-year-olds wearing Tevas. The female teacher was trying to get the kids excited about the artistic style of the graffiti, but the kids were slouching and scowling and pulling their pants up so they could walk. There were mutterings from the class that art is “gay.”

Lady teacher asks “But what about Spanish artists, don’t you like them?”

“I’m motherfucking Puerto Rican, you bitch!” yelled the last kid in the line.

The male teacher pipes in “What about GOYA, he made some badass shit!”

Lady teacher says “Spanish people sure do love GOYA. They eat it for dinner. How crazy is that?”

And the two teachers laughed together, and the kids hucked rocks from the railroad bed at them.

***

I woke up going: Damn, damn, damn.

It’s in the Can

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Shooting is underway for My Little Porny or Pony Girls, or whatever this movie ends up being called. I play Eve, a psychotic and pouty goth-ish girl who, spoiled by easy circumstances and bored out of existence, heads a thrill cult obsessed with My Little Pony. And things just go awry from there. It has been a lot of fun so far, and there is a lot of talent on this low-fi set. The scenes we have shot so far involve a lot of twitching, screaming, and looking creepy. My acting experience is not much but heaven knows, I excel at those things! And Jude, love, if you are reading, you may be my date for the premier, no? What’s that, “still married?” Well, I’ll call next week. I wonder what James Spader is doing?

Oh where was I? Reality calls! I am thinking of taking a sabbatical from gainful employ, in order to work on painting, to apply for genius grants, and to answer all those desperate pleas for my work, my attention, my opinions! Once I have had some time to finish this dazzling new body of work, and ruin someone’s life, I will be ready enough to consider working again. This time around I want to work in television! We need more incest and underwear on the airwaves! And startling deeds done in impossible footwear. I would share some of my tele-vision with you, but you horrible people will steal all of my ideas. Screw you! Fiends! Churls!

(The part of Lambchop will now be played by Andrea Evans.- ed)

-xo

Wad.com

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The secret to my better mood is palming things off on other people. Why did I not think of this weeks ago? Hours ago? I thought of it, and that is really all that matters. There I was, staring at the bottom of my second or third giant glass of Singha, and it hit me: outsource. So that’s the plan, man. First with the cleaning service and the ghostwriter and the ethicist, and now I ain’t doing nothing for nobody no more. That sentence included so many negatives that I can’t possibly divine the true meaning of what I said, but that’s just the point – I don’t have to anymore. Someone in India was on it eleven hours ago. Because that’s their day time or something. I’ll get a fax, and I’ll let you know what I said. Don’t create, facillitate.

On a sidenote, I did fire my ethicist after being advised against throwing a total snit while sprawling in the sunny spot on the floor. The hell she said.