Category Archives: Uncategorized

tap tap tap

Uncategorized, , ,

This is what my friend had to say after a rousing round of Pop You in the Pooper- “HOLY JESUS CHRIST MOTHERFUCKING COWSHIT”

that pretty much sums it up from my end. ha ha. end.

after my near brush with greatness, search the world seems so grey and lifeless. oh wait, ed i live in berlin and the world is grey and lifeless. thankfully, there is cheese and lots of it. so i am going to find something to melt some onto. sausage, toast, a pen cap, whatever.

“…pop you in the pooper buddy dee dee dee…”

smooch

A little bit country…

Uncategorized, , ,

No, I’m not going to talk about that stupid Osbournes Pepsi commercial… Instead I want to share the latest in gay porn star country music. [Via Faustus, who is always an enchanting read, and Aaron, who is smarter than me and reads things.] I have decided that I want to hire Jeff Stryker to sing at my wedding! What do you think, “Pop You in the Pooper” should get all the aunties onto the dance floor.

See Lambchop, I can’t top Tom Hanks, but I’m always prepared to bring up the rear anyway. ow.

xxoo

Oh, P.S., I still can’t find MJ RC…. I think she has a photo shoot for www.gothharpy.com today. Maybe tomorrow?

PS

Uncategorized, ,

I don’t mean to imply in any way that Steven Spielberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Hanks are all gay men. Gay men with Beards. Beardie Weirdies.

So please do not sue me.

If Nick or David should ever care to sue me, then by all means. But I hope it will be catered and that you’ll stick around for cocktails.

Missing Tom Hanks

Uncategorized, ,

I actually almost went to a gym today. No, Lickety, not because of the promise of untoward behavior in the sauna. I was going to tag along on a guest pass with a friend to her aerobics class. I wish I could participate in the same way that I enjoyed 20 minute workout before school as a kid- in my pajamas with a big bowl of fruity pebbles, hooting at the alien women doing squats in their neon tights/ fluorescent thong combination. (it was olivia newton john’s decade, after all!). Anyway, I didn’t end up having to jump up and down to awful german pop music because my friend spent too long on her makeup. Maybe she knows something I don’t about those saunas.

I decided randomly to troll the huge cineplexx at Potsdamer Platz. I like watching movies in a theater. Even bad ones. But I get there and wouldn’t you know it

OH MY GAWD!

there was a throng of people clotted in fron tof the entrance and they appeared to be drooling over what looked like a length of red carpet. Oh great, I thought, celebrities! I happened upon the Berlin premiere of Catch Me if You Can. No movies for anyone but men in pancake and a typhoon of carmen electras. After pausing a moment to feel like a special part of the greatness, I wanted to go home. A debate ensued because some of my friends wanted a peep at Tom Hanks. Now, while I would delightedly accept a supper invitation from Nick Cave and most happily take a turn around the park with David Bowie, I like to think of famous people like bears- they are more afraid of you than you are of them (and as long as you don’t feed them or attack their young, you won’t have to shoot them). No way in hell am I going to stand around outside for two hours in the middle of january pressed up against people I would never voluntarily touch, craning my neck for a glimpse of Leo’s pre-pubescent moustachery and an overweight Kip Wilson.

My friends say “oh, we like ourselves, don’t we?” Maybe we do. When I got home I turned on the news, and sure enough, in front of the Sony Center in a glorious haze of flashbulbs were Spielberg, Hanks, and DiCaprio.

and i just needed to say Oh MY GOD I MISSED TOM HANKS!!!

smooch

Tom Cruise-y

Uncategorized, , ,

VinDiesel69: i have something for you to post as an anonymous quote from me.

VinDiesel69: or something.

lickety: is it about retards?

VinDiesel69: like, i want to say this on my blog but it’s too icky even for me, but your blog is great for it

[ed. note! We LOVE backhanded compliments!]

VinDiesel69: no, icky men cruising in the gym

lickety: ooh yeah

VinDiesel69: OK, i mean, I’ve got pretty good gaydar, whatever, i can tell when people are trying to pick people up in the sauna: they go from steam room to sauna repeatedly, cool off with a shower and a drink, then do it again and again.

VinDiesel69: but when the straight people can tell, and the gay people are openly disgusted and relieved that you’ve left the room,

VinDiesel69: you KNOW you’re overdoing it.

VinDiesel69: I mean, this guy was NASTY

lickety: am i missing the boat on lesbian cruising at my gym? I never get that kind of attention

VinDiesel69: He was lying on his back on the bench, lifting his knee to his chest and rocking back and forth suggestively. I wanted to say “ye gods man, put those away! You’re scaring the breeders!”

VinDiesel69: i doubt it.

lickety: i guess chicks are more subtle

VinDiesel69: I mean, are there rules about women’s room behavior?

VinDiesel69: like, never pick the stall next to someone else, or don’t sit too close to someone in the sauna?

VinDiesel69: keep your legs crossed closely?

VinDiesel69: wear your towel? don’t make eye contact?

lickety: mostly people are very polite

VinDiesel69: my guess is “would you like to have coffee sometime?”

lickety: i recently discussed american idol and joe millionaire with someone and her friend

lickety: maybe they think i was hitting on them! we *were* all naked

So, to recap, gentlemen, for chrissakes be discreet! My friend Vin (is that anonymous enough for ya?) from the above exchange seems to get all the hot locker room action though…Always makes me feel like there must be something wrong with meeeee!

P.S. I am in no way saying that Tom Cruise is gay. Tom, please do not sue me.

xxoo

Deep Impact(ion)

Uncategorized, , , ,

So I awoke this morning and checked all the porn in my hotmail, and then when I logged out, I see a story beckoning to me from the MSN idiot portal. “Swelling star threatens world, providing preview of what awaits Earth.” First I thought it was going to be about Jennifer Lopez and/or Ben Affleck, and I just can’t get enough of those two. Then once I figured out it was all about Science, I was genuinely alarmed and proceeded to skim it with as much attention as I can muster after half a cup of coffee. I was prepared to get all excited and order a wet suit and gas mask, but then it turns out the Earth won’t fry for another few billion years. They snuck that tidbit in at the very end. Ho hum.

But I may be a day late and a dollar short with the gask mask anyway, as I see I’ve missed the Miss Gothic Massachusetts pageant! Oh calamity, oh cruel serendipity. Oh misery that the photos of the “winners” aren’t published yet. But! Do not depair, gentle reader. We are proud to announce that Vomitola will be providing in-depth team coverage of the event via special correspondent Mary Jane RottenCrotch (as soon as she is found, we are checking interstate rest stop bathrooms now). Oh wait, Lambchop is passing a slip of paper across the news desk…it seems she has been located, and she’s just in the middle of a streaming web cast about the hardship of taking her corset collection to the dry cleaner. Phew. Well, when she’s free we’ll try to extract all pertinent info!

Oh, and last but not least, we’d be doing a real disservice if we didn’t provide a whizz-bang Golden Globes wrap-up. Sorry about that.

xxoo

Unfriendly-ass Boston

Uncategorized, ,

Who would have thought the Friendlyass Bear would ever cease to grace Boylston street with its ponderous bronze bottom? I used to work right across the street from old FAO, and when I wasn’t watching homeless people coupling in the BayBank ATM (another woefully absent institution!), there was ol’ Friendlyass, carefree and ample cheeked. And there was the company president sneaking up behind me and screeching at me to get back to my terminal before she throttled me with my headset.

Man, was she a bitch.

Speaking of bitches and muddy bears, I have monthly blues pretty badly. But I am not all moon womanly jazzed about discussing such topics, so look elsewhere for a rant about tides and bad moods. lets just say there are no chocolate chips in my cookie today.

However, nothing cheers one up more than tales of ‘tards. I myself went to a Special School. See, I was in an accelerated program with kids from all over jersey city, and we got booted out of the normal public school where we collected (for knocking a baby out of a stroller and onto the tarmac during a game of touch football. Accelerated kids and their high spirits!) Anyway, my orphaned program was taken in by a Special School. We occupied the top floor of their building, shared their stinking cafeteria, and tried not to stare at them openly masturbating in the nurses office. We did not have much contact with them- but they would come up to our auditorium for holiday parties. Halloween was the best. All the mongoloids and pinheads dressed like animals, and plants. I remember them gathering around to sing a song. Picture all those raised tuneless voices, out of sync- and a really gangly pinhead dressed up like a bumblebee dancing, antennae bouncing, and moaning out the words to “Lean on Me”.

yeah.

New, in snacks

Uncategorized, , ,

Today I am having some off-brand Muddy Bears from the Kandy Shanty next door. So far so good, but I am not enjoying them as much because of the lack of packaging. Sure, it is more economical to get one’s chocolate-covered Gummis from a bulk bin, but I am missing out on the picture of the demonic, scatalogically inclined cuddly bear. Look how his eyes raise heavenward as he contemplates the brown manna plunging down on his gummi hide! Trust the Germans to come up with such a filthy treat. Incidentally, you can purchase Muddy Bears in their rightful packaging at the candy counter of your finer Blockbuster outlets if you are interested.

Oh, I also tried a sugar-free chocolate covered almond. Someone at work is on one of those no sugar diets. The purported downside of eating sugar-free candy? Anal leakage! It didn’t taste particularly good, or particularly bad. But now I am positive I can feel it worming its way through to victory! Me, paranoid? Of course! It’s what I do best! No standing for the rest of the day, just in case.

Now back to bears…I have had the distinct pleasure of working next door to the FAO Schwartz Friendly-Ass Bear statue for quite a while now, but apparently the store is going to close! People were simply not buying enough action figures or $80 stuffed whales in these tough economic times. What is to become of the Friendly-Ass Bear? His plump bronze buttocks shall be ignominiously pried off the sidewalk! He may be sold at auction. I am going to find out when and where so I can take him home. He’d make a lovely addition to any front yard or cathedral ceiling’d rumpus room, frightening children and adults alike. And he’d look so bitchin next to my Silver Spoons train set. Oh, the memories. What’s next, paving the dog field?

xxoo