This just in! VNN (Vomitola News Network) calls the election for Barry O’Bama. Paddy Power  always believed! And if it floats in South Park, it must be true. They’re in a swing state, after all.

O’Bama was buoyed by a last minute revelation wherein he held a fireside chat and came out to America as Irish. America was so glad he did not say Kenya that they cancelled the election halfway through the day. If you’re already the President, just stay in line!

All the signs were there.

You see, money is green, and so are aliens and leprechauns. In other news, Massachusetts is fine with medical marijuana now, and I happen to have a hideous case of terminal anxiety. Stupid Massachusetts then failed to allow me to kill myself via Question 2, so the only option left is more green.

Money, that is. I am reclining on a tuffet of money, enrobed in a dressing gown of stitched together money. The gown was sewn especially for me by clumps of money that I animated by magic, Fantasia style.

I have my money specially printed. It is made from silk extruded by worms of the finest pedigree. I have Lambchop’s picture on one side, and mine on the other. Thank goodness the poors have not yet rioted and upset my extraordinarily polite silk worms or my other horticultural projects.

What were we talking about again?