Heaven is (not) Real

Ever heard of Colton Burpo? If you can forget his unfortunate moniker, there is another reason to dislike the chubby little tyke. He had one of those near death hallucinations on the operating table. An extremely magical tale of white light and a visit with a miscarried sister (eww) which his minister father turned into a book, which is now being made into a film, called Heaven is For Real. If you can banish the image of a mewling fetus that wants to hug you, REJOICE for, according to Master Burpo, there is also a blonde, blue-eyed Jesus waiting in that snuggle queue! Well, thank fuck, li’l Burpo, because I thought my heathen ass was grass. Actually, I thought my ass was gonna be Satan’s personal little golf green.

We have written about our trips to Heaven in this very space, and you don’t see us making a poxy film about it! Heaven was a bonified snooze. Heaven is a lot of things, but the one thing it most certainly isn’t is REAL. Someone break it to wee, little Burpo, your dad is just an asshole. Of course the most irritating thing about the whole sorry business is that no one ever offers to pair MY ideas with a craft services table. I want advances, Malibu homes with saltwater pools and sexually voracious nannies. And you won’t even have to accept Zac Efron as Jesus*, your lord and personal celluloid savior, in the process!

*credit for that particular casting decision goes to Gawker’s angry Richard Lawson.

9 responses to “Heaven is (not) Real”

  1. Well you really must stop letting children run around in there. Can’t let it turn into a Park Slope Cafe!

  2. this is wayyy wrong!!!! how do you explain how he knew all the stuff abbout heaven…i bet you never even read the book and heaven is most definetly real!!!!! were else would we go after we die….well obviously you WONT be going there!!!! you really need to set you priorities straight!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. How are u suposed to kno what is and isn’t its called believing one day ur gonna want to take back what u said because ur horribly wrong heaven is real and everyone should believe because it’ll bite u one day, sorry if my opionon sucks but i really am surprised at the crap people say before they think about it

  4. Thank you all for taking the time to leave such impassioned comments. Clearly you are busy people, since you cannot spare the time for capitalization, punctuation, spell-check or basic coherency.

    If your fantastical notions do indeed prevail over my reasoning, I trust you will enjoy your illiterate eternity just fine without me.

  5. wow. you obviously never read the book. this mewling fetus you speak of was actually a little girl. and Jesus had brown hair and brown eyes yeah you will more than likely end up with satan, enjoy the lake of fire!

    • What about “a visit with a miscarried sister” led you to believe the mewling fetus in question was not a little girl?

      But I did not know that the appearance of Jesus had been photographically documented. This is news!

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