My fellow Americans, I am ill! I went out among you, and what did I find? You still have no idea of the benefits of properly heat styling your hair, you cannot fathom the number of calories in an Outback menu item, and your feet are featureless blocks of concrete that even Michaelangelo couldn’t chisel and rasp back into shape. You can’t open your garage door because the garage is too full of Costco leavings. Your S.U.V. is cold out there in the driveway!
Making New Year’s resolutions that you won’t keep is only a month away, so why not start now, so you can feel bad about yourself for longer? Do you want me to carve some suggestions onto stone tablets? That worked out well a few thousand years ago, but even those have finally worn off. I’ll see what I can do. Does setting your Christmas tree on fire count as a burning bush?
Ho ho, as you can see, I am in what can clinically be described as a bad mood. I have post-holiday letdown. Thanksgiving is really the only good holiday. Christmas is the more stressful also-ran.
Look at it from my perspective: the kid gets 8 days off from school in December! On yet another day, I have to show up and act like people while the kids do some tappa tappa singa sing or something, and my own child will refuse to give me the present she made in front of the whole class. Â Also, I have been commanded to transport a flan on a 3-hour drive! Do people not realize how sensitive and temperamental pumpkin flan can be? Lives may be lost.
And then there’s this: