Will you plural marry me?

It has come to my attention that Mr. H needs a second wife. He doesn’t know it yet, but I think that’s just the ticket. Other wife could watch a baby and do all the shopping and the cleaning. Other wife would pay the bills online and remember to buy and send cards for all festive days. Other wife would keep extra birthday presents for a variety of child age ranges in the closet for the occasions when Mr. H accepts an invitation to a friend’s child’s party and doesn’t tell any wives until it’s too late to shop. Because I would totally bring the kid a box of thumbtacks or whatever else I found lying around in the office. Other wife would preserve the balance of graciousness in our lives.

Other wife would use a toothbrush to scrub around the faucet in the kitchen. She’d fold underwear so crisply. God, other wife is a saint. She’s as beautiful as she is generous. She can speak three languages, and she taught a baby sign language. She’d fill out the customs forms at the post office since I hate doing that. She knows so many ways to prepare quinoa! Her handwriting is also impeccable.

Me, I’ll be on the lanai with a delicious smoothie! Other wife remembered the damn bananas at the store!

14 responses to “Will you plural marry me?”

  1. I am not sure I would trust a slave not to make a break for it on double coupon day.

    If marriage is just a piece of paper, why does it cost $5,000 to tear it up?

  2. My own mother’s been talking for months about how much she needs to get “a Margene”. I’d cut off her cable but I want a Margene of my own.

  3. I actually considered getting a Russian wife for a while. Everybody wins! I get to relax, Joey gets to have a relaxed wife, and Russian wife gets to come to America but not via creepy husband. We could keep it up until Russian wife gets greencard and Joey makes enough money to hire me a housekeeper.

  4. Normally I click your Google Ads. However, this post’s ad was for:
    Wife Cheating
    “Find out the real reason so many wives today are cheating”
    I figured the IT folks monitoring my Inty traffic already get a good enough laugh at me without seeing WomensInfidelity.com showing up in my logs. I’ll double-click today’s ads instead. They’re for Removing Carpet Stains.

  5. Mike: no need to let advertising rule your life! Carpet stains are a true hardship, and we should all be glad to find out how to get rid of them.

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