She spreads for bread

Sure, it’s been a dirt dog of a week, but did I mention what a good sandwich I had? I had the good sandwich on Wednesday, Thursday, and again today. I tried to make Mr. H have a sandwich with me for dinner last night, so I could get in two good sandwiches in one day, but he didn’t go for it. He looked at me as if I were insane when I described the sandwich. “It doesn’t sound great to me, but I can tell YOU like it.” What’s not to like about 7-grain bread with flax, shmeared lovingly with mayonaise, topped with alfalfa sprouts*, an entire tomato, and all the different end pieces of cheese left in the fridge?

I saw a literal sign of the apocalypse yesterday. Forget invading Iran. Forget Mission Impossible: III. A strip mall outboard motor business with a pointless letter board saw fit to proclaim “I take my wife everywhere, but she keep’s [sic] finding her way back.” Keep’s. Yes, there was an actual plastic apostrophe used. I backed up to be sure. That officially makes it not a typo, which seems to be the excuse of most idiots and people caught making that mistake on the internet. No, the sign wrangler stood at the base of the pole, inhaled traffic fumes deeply, and opted to use one of those long handled tools to carefully insert that apostrophe into that verb. The surgical precision required to be so wrong is delightful.

*A potential listeria risk, according to books like OMG Your Baby Will Totally Die, but who’s counting! I eat sushi too**. Apostrophes are pretty risky, but you don’t hear enough about those, unless you live with me.

**It’s fucking flash frozen, ask your chef. I’d worry more about mercury exposure than foodborne illness unless you are eating it out of a grocery store dumpster.

6 responses to “She spreads for bread”

  1. Hello! Hello! I don’t really like alfalfa sprouts. Is that the kind that smells like semen?

  2. I wouldn’t know, I have NO idea what semen smells like. Nope, no sir. I bet it kills babies, whatever it smells like.

  3. WHAT? You mean I can’t keep dumpster-diving at the Plop & Crap to feed the family during this prenatal period? The fuck?

  4. Oh, that’s nothing. I’ve actually seen two businesses locally with that mistake in their permanent signs. “Serenity Hill’s” and “Fine Furnishing’s.”

    I wanted to kill myself.

  5. Yeah, we live near some “condo’s.” There is a place that repairs “Computer’s.” I had to stop going to a restaurant that insisted on calling itself “Orlean’s” on the awning and “Orleans” on the menus. It just bothered me too much.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *