This just in!

Recently it was brought to my attention that women are using the technology, including the computer! Did you know women use the computer? For a while I used a graphing calculator when I took a few years of calculus. I think that was technology, but I’m not sure. I also use a flat iron and a microwave on a regular basis. And I am pretty used to using the computer since I’ve done it every day since I was about twelve, but sometimes I like to stop and think about all the other fly ladies out there using the computer. For instance, my mom can use the computer, both instant messenger and email. I taught her how to cut and paste using only keyboard commands. That’s hot. She even attaches things to email. She can also use a table saw and a post-hole digger, but that’s like technology a monkey might use. Old school. My sister uses the computer. She’s also hot.

Some women use the computer to know about their periods and their lady mucus and stuff like that (Fertility Friend, OvuSoft). Some women use the computer to buy shoes (Zappos.com). Some women use the computer to plan their weddings (TheKnot.com, Indiebride.com). Some women don’t even have boyfriends, but they use the computer to look at pictures of engagement rings, and they use the instant messenger to send links to their other single friends. Some women eat oatmeal for women. That has nothing to do with the computer, but it’s still for women. Some women use online banking so they can make sure they didn’t spend too much on shoes.

Women are always talking and talking and talking, so of course they like blogs. They like to tell you about their hair and their periods. Ewwwww! Women think they are so funny. Some women are fat, and they use the computer to talk about that (3 Fat Chicks on a Diet!). And some are skinny, and they use the computer to look for pictures of Angelina Jolie to put on their fridge so they remember to throw up their Kraft dinner.

Some ladies are lovely shades of tan and chocolate (Brown Bloggers), and some ladies are plain pink (me, you can see my veins so easily). Some ladies live in countries outside of America! They don’t even talk English, but they still use technology. I have seen this while on vacation.

Some ladies have kids, and they like to talk about them. They are called mommy bloggers. Some have a huge boner for breastfeeding, and some are all “breastfeeding, no thanks.” Some of these ladies may use Craigslist to find a nanny. That means they are straight up bitches, because who would let someone else raise their child? Ladies use technology to snipe at the choices of other ladies. This is called the Mommy Drive-By.

Some ladies want kids real bad but can’t have them easily, so they are infertile bloggers. But through technology, some of them go on to have kids. Wow! Some women just use the shit out of technology.

Sometimes the ladies like to step away from the computer, say to buy some douches and have brunch and catch a matinee of Must Love Dogs. If they do that, they can always take their cell phones. We ladies don’t want to miss when we might be ovulating. You can ovulate during brunch! If that happens, close your legs tightly and breathe into a paper bag.

Personally, I’d probably skip out on Must Love Dogs. I catch all my Diane Lane movies on planes. I watched Under the Tuscan Sun on a plane ride to Japan, and it worked to put me to sleep. Technology again. Can you imagine: there are ladies flying though the air right now, some of them even ovulating. I used the computer to get those plane tickets too. It was so hard, what with the clicking and the typing. And I had to pay for the tickets, with money, from a job. I found that job using the internet. Lucky! My job was to make food dance on the internet, via technology.

And now back to getting married and pregnant, because that’s all most ladies think about. You might need a dude for that, so you can use technology like a digital camera to take a picture of yourself and put it on a website where you tell a man that you’d be in Paris if you could be anywhere right now. And that is code for the man to remember to pick up a rose at the gas station before he comes to your house to bang you. Because Paris equals romance! He probably used Mapquest.com to find your house, but that’s OK, because technology is old hat for the gentlemen. They are so good like that.

After all your banging, if you think you might be pregnant, the internet can even give you a pregnancy test.

Whoa, sometimes the world just gets so overwhelming for a lady that all I can do is apprise you of the ferociously itchy mosquito bites on my toes. Now I have to take a break from using technology to get in my car and drive somewhere and use my debit card to buy something. While I am doing that, I will probably text message some people. I just found out you can do that. I will feel guilty about using oil to power my car. Stay strong while I am gone. I still love technology, always and forever.

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