Pants descending a staircase

Lamby and I had a delirious time doing the Frug with Mr. Bowie last night. That man is the epitome of "well-preserved." A work of art. I wish I could say the same for the crowd. Everyone else apparently trucked in from Worcester. It is quite possible that they were expecting a Monster Truck show. It is also quite possible that they were all a bunch of randy bi-sexual drug addicts 30 years ago, as they sat stolidly through newer material but popped up like weebles for "Ziggy Stardust."

I am adopting a new world view, a real seismic shift for me. It is tentatively titled "What Would David Bowie Do?"

Example:
Me: I don't feel like going to the gym today.
Me: *snaps rubber band on wrist* What Would David Bowie Do?
Me: Houseboy, summon my personal trainer, and my cosmetic dentist, just for the hell of it!

This is sure to work wonders. Let's try that again.
Me: I don't have enough money
Me: *snaps rubber band on wrist* What Would David Bowie Do?
Me: I know, I'll IPO!

To that end, I'm going to start selling Vomitola.net email addresses and premium memberships at $100 a pop. Look for Lambchop and I at the next show in June, waving a glittery pink banner reading "PANTS." You could join us!

-xxoo

Posted 9:42 AM by Licketysplit

Rear window



We walked around this weekend. We saw a lot of things! We met some hooligans. It was fun. We did not take a shower that day, yet still went out to dinner. At dinner I saw a girl wearing a sweatshirt and red high-heeled Converse sneakers. I felt less bad about not bathing. If I had a camera phone, I could have snapped a pic to show my stylist. She simply does not believe me when I tell her these things.

Today Lambchop returns, and tomorrow we're going to see The Man in the Pants.
-xxoo

Posted 2:55 PM by Licketysplit

Das ist Playboy

That's what he said when I held up an enormous pair of vintage sunglasses. When Viktor says it looks good, it goes into my pocket. I love the fleamarket on the Akunerplatz in Berlin's Prenzlauerberg. I love the rows of stands with all the shiny clothes and mod furniture, I love the fashionable people that get dressed up to browse and haggle there. But most of all I love Viktor, the fashion guy. He's gorgeous, stylish, and delivers a snarky running commentary, "oh, that looks SO GOOD on you". I have been buying things from him for years, and harboring a massive "he doesn't know I'm alive" kind of crush. I can only share his stage for the length of time it takes for him to look me over, help me with a zipper, tell me I look fabulous and trade my admiration for 12 euros and a beautiful dress. Then I no longer have an excuse to remain, so I can only steal a glance at his gray eyes, and the fringe of long hair sweeping into them, and go.

Tomorrow morning I catch an early plane back to Boston. Ciao Berlin, ciao Viktor!

Yes, of course I realize he is gay! Shut up.

-xo

Posted 1:49 PM by Lambchop

Get a haircut and get a real job

Yesterday I got the haircut. That's a start, right? I have 1/2 inch long bangs. I said "I feel suburban," and my stylist rubbed her hands together with glee at the butchery that would take place. I like it. She asked if people really wear sweatshirts all the time out here, and I said "Oh, but they do!" and she had an involuntary spasm and cut off three inches of hair.

I am starting to see real muscle definition from my escapades at the gymnasium. This is incredibly exciting. I opened the APR Vogue magazine the other day randomly, and got a page with a picture of an incredibly obese woman. I screeched and dropped it! Body image, schmody image. I buy Vogue specifically to see attractive people, and I am writing them a v.v. nasty letter. It's nice that they dally with the little people (har!) and address the topic of American obesity, but it is misleading to the consumer who prefers an oasis where such things simply do not exist.

The man upstairs with the piano has enlisted a singing companion. Two days ago, this woman caterwauled "You make me feeeeeel like a natural....wooooomannnnn....." for three hours straight. Further impetus to get a job that entails leaving the house, as this is no longer charming. I am updating my resume, right after my power nap. I have officially quit freelance and must simply wrap up what I already have going on.

-xxoo

Posted 1:23 PM by Licketysplit

Public Works

I was sitting in a cafe in Mitte with an old friend and a girl came to our table with an entry form for a contest in the Kulturbrauerei (culture brewery). It's a group of studios, galleries, and spaces where things happen. At any rate, they are building a word in giant steel letters that will adorn the plaza, and are handing out flyers to people who do nothing but sit in cafes all day thinking up words to be cast in giant steel letters. Naturally, we entered Vomitola! We will no doubt soon become a landmark in Berlin's Underground art culture!

Plus, I stole her pen.

-xo

Posted 11:51 AM by Lambchop

The Man Without A Past



I finally got to see Aki Kaurismäki's last film, and it was just as weird and gripping and lacking in emotional display as you expect from a Finn.

I, too, am erasing my past. Bringing some more of my things back to America. It's all crap anyway. Closing the door on old relationships. Buying new shoes and planning for an exhibiton in 2005.

Everything is changing and crazy, but it's ok. It's about what you expect from your lambchop. Tomorrow I will take some photos of my new work in the gallery. It's already been purchased, expressly for the 2005 exhibition, Kampf Bilder.

Posted 1:35 PM by Lambchop

Hit 'em up style/ racing thoughts

Has anyone ever said "Get at me" or "Hit me up" to you? I believe it means "Please return my phone call or instant message as soon as you are able." But one never knows. Please stop saying it if you employ such terminology; it grates.

Today I was dutifully trotting on the treadmill, and I noticed all the bizarre things other people do in the gym. One gentleman has a routine of pointing at himself in the mirror, with alternating hands, as he bestrides the elliptical machine. Another woman tries to access the internet with her Palm Pilot while she's on the stepper. I can get a good look at this in the mirror in front of me, as she bobs up and down and deploys antennae and swears.

And what do I do? We-ell. I thought about pointing back at the man behind me, but mainly I like to keep a bemused, vacant look on my face, as if I just won an Academy Award. I don't want to look too pleased at how my deltoids glisten in the mirror. I want to remember things, like thanking my husband and my manager. Mainly I totally space out.

I did a controlled experiment with the heart rate sensor too. When I think happy self-involved thoughts, say, about my hair, it's just fine. When I think of getting a job, or my mother-in-law, it shoots right up! Out of the cardio zone! I am just kidding, mother-in-law, some day you will find this.

I've been trying the boxing stuff too. Soon I will be wiry, yet thick-necked, like Secretariat or Geri Halliwell. I asked my trainer "Why am I not losing tons of weight?" And he replied that I should work on my diet, perhaps cut out that bottle of wine I drink every night. Good god. Luckily pills are still OK!

-xxoo

Posted 2:08 PM by Licketysplit

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow



Dear Kitty,


It's been 10 minutes since my esteemed colleague left the firm, and my row,
forever, and already it is unbearable. How does one cope with such loss? I
feel like my life is over. I am sobbing uncontrollably. And on top of this
loss, the colleague I am left with harasses me mercilessly. Just today she
made insulting remarks about the size of my nose, for which I am very touchy
about.

Can you help me?

-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I was very much moved by your letter, and I shall give you the name of my very own personal cosmetic surgeon. You shall walk away from this trauma with a perfect nose. One need not miss old friends when one has a beautiful face in the mirror to gaze upon with deep satisfaction. Or has their own television show.

Love,
Kitty Winn

Posted 10:49 AM by Lambchop

Anchors Away



Well, the car is outside and the engine is running. I have cleaned out my desk and am pilfering some postal supplies. My half of Vomitola will be coming to you from Berlin for the next week, but don't worry, we will still be covering all of the issues that most concern us:

1. Pants
2. Bulimia
3. Casual Sex

-xo

Posted 2:22 PM by Lambchop

When perfection just won't do

Due to popular demand from today's troubled youth, we are launching a new publication: Teen Vomitola



Coming next month:
Lipgloss and You
Putting Out: Is It Ever a Bad Idea?
You Could Be a Bit Thinner!
Communicating With the Unpopular
No One Likes a Whiner

-xxoo

Posted 5:50 PM by Licketysplit

Bachelor Number One



Vomitola is very pleased to present you with Steele, today's contestant for Win A Date with Lambchop.

He is tall, golden, and silken haired. His favorite things about Lambchop include "her dark-chocolate eyes, her brazen wit, her chicken pot pie, her impish smile, and her butt". His own self-described good qualities include "a perfect physique...kindness to animals...strength and calm...incredibly rich". He votes Andy Gibb. Steele is perfect, with taut abs, a firm handshake, and a yacht. However, he is disqualified by virtue of being Lambchop's former beaux.

And so the search continues!

Posted 10:04 PM by Lambchop

Don't it make my brown eye blue

Last night I did a little stealth babysitting. That entailed speeding over to my brother-in-law's house in a blizzard because the lady of the house had taken ill with appendicitis! She is just fine at this writing after "bellybutton surgery." So Monstro #2 (4-y.o. boy) and BattleKitty #1 (5-y.o. girl) and I chilled. We made mac n' cheese, and I taught them how to cheat at cards.

The kids were pretty worried about their mom because they saw her get taken away in an ambulance, so I told them about when I went to the emergency room a few months ago, and how it was just fine. What's that, they asked. I said it was the place where you go when you need to find out why you are feeling bad in a hurry, and Monstro piped in "Ohhhh, with the drink machines!" He's been there before. These things make an impression.

And the apogee of the evening.... I was doing up some fine-looking pigtails, and Monstro hollered from the bathroom "I'm ready!" I opened the door to find him stark naked, doing a perfect downward dog, business end pointing right at me. So what else could I do? I wiped. I went for the Wet Ones, and he protested "We only use those when I'm all sticky!" Trust me, kid. If I hadn't caught him red-handed, I might have thought a Great Dane had wandered by.

Later, I asked his dad about "bottoms up," and his dad sighed and said "He doesn't get wiping yet. He just crams paper up there and leaves it." I am filing this all away for the first time he brings a date to a family event.

-xxoo

Posted 12:15 PM by Licketysplit

Vomitola in the news

This just in... Although we slept too late to possibly appear in the commercial for continuing ed at a local university, a concerned insider made sure to pull up Vomitola.com when they were filming people at desks. Ha. We are famoose. Like supermoodel.

Someone burned a croissant, and now the house smells terrible. Garçon!

-xxoo

Posted 11:42 AM by Licketysplit

I'll stop the world and melt with you

My horoscope today says: "Avoid all over-indulgences and questionable areas of town." That can only mean that I'll be seeing Lambchop!

And now, YOU, dear reader, can say the same.

PRESENTING.... The First Annual Vomitola.com "Win a Date With Lambchop" Giveaway!



That's right, gentle swain, you could be a mere email away from a some-expense paid trip to see David Bowie, accompanied by Lambchop, me, and Mr. H.

How, you ask? It's easy — just send an email to WIN@Vomitola.com with the following information:

• A 3/4 view photo (hint: you should be somewhat attractive)
• A gramatically flawless paragraph listing your favorite things about Lambchop
• A thoughtful run-down of your top five best qualities
• Pick one of the following: Andy Gibb or Jim Rockford
• Since I am doing the judging, preference will be given to supplementary material lauding Bea Arthur

No purchase necessary to enter. All entries must be received by May 1, 2004. All entries become the property of Vomitola.com and may be reproduced as we see fit, including forwarding around in email with the designation "Ha! HAHAHAHAHA!" Winner will be notified by email on or before May 15, 2004.

Actual cash value: One David Bowie ticket for the floor, section D, at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, NH on June 1, 2004. You must provide your own transportation, but if you are especially comely, we might give you a ride from, say, the Lowell Commuter Rail Station.
Of course one can not possibly put a cash value on the company of Lambchop for an evening, but it is safe to say that it is in excess of $19.95.
Please note also that in the event that you are selected but are not able to attend, you will not receive any actual cash. The ticket itself is not-transferable and becomes property of Vomitola.com if the winner is unable to use it, lest the winner gives it to an ugly person, and we actually have to sit next to him or her in public.

Posted 11:59 AM by Licketysplit

Hello, Ian Curtis



I saw him again this morning. It has been a while (because I am late to work every day). But there he was this morning on my train, The Ian Curtis Guy. He looks like him, stands like him, moves like him, and most importantly he never looks happy. Of course, he also never looks at me. I have smiled and gazed in his direction (he is not good looking , he looks like Ian Curtis!) but he is far too focused on looking like Ian Curtis to pay any mind to yours truly. He stood 2 feet from me (I want to make him a sandwich and sing him "Heart and Soul" in a goofy falsetto) but then we reached our stop and he disappeared, as always, onto the harbor, leaving me once again powerless to declare "I have this friend- he looks just like Ian Curtis!"

-xo

Posted 9:40 AM by Lambchop

Rock in Pictures



This is my roomie S. at our impromptu karaoke party on Saturday. I tear up when he sings I'm Not in Love. Even with the pornorific pencil moustache.



Last night one of the greatest rock bands ever was in our neighborhood. The first time I ever had a psychedelic snack, I was watching the video for Under the Milky way when they kicked in. I have not been the same ever since. Which is why I had to do a urine test when I applied for a job at a movie theater. Don't worry, I always carry a spare. Oh but they still got it. Marty informed us that he has so much talent and charisma, it was bound to ooze onto the first two rows and coagulate there. At one point he needed a stool to support the weight of his genius. WE LOVE MARTY!

I quit my job. But I got another. I am going home to watch Bartleby.

Here are some more things that ROCK:

1. Leaving for sunny Berlin in a week-ish.
2. Orange Julius
3. Going to the roller rink this weekend.
4. Starsky and Hutch!!!



-xo

Posted 9:35 AM by Lambchop

I want hot noodles!



I really hope the Hellboy movie is fun. It's got Nazis! And, um, Selma Blair. Odd.

***

Spalding Gray, ya bastard. Drowning has never been on my list personally. But I can understand the why. Sorry to hear it. It is hard to reach out from the midst of a black cloud. How do you call someone up and say "It hurts so bad, but I have no good reason. I don't think I can do it anymore." Either that person will feel put upon to be burdened thusly, or they will ignore it because it's uncomfortable, and babble about the shoes they bought on sale. People frequently self-flagellate in the aftermath of a suicide, wondering why the person didn't just call them up to talk. Sometimes death is preferable to saying another word. It's not you, it's them, like any breakup. Or is it? Ugh.

***

The baby shower. I saved the most horrifying thing for last! At one point some of the guests started to fight about who had the best mini van. Someone shut them down by saying "Well, mine rides like a Cadillac." How can you top that, I dare you.

Then someone asked me what kind of cheese was in the goat cheese, raspberry, and pecan salad. So I told her, and she bellowed into the other room, "SEE, DAWN! I TOLD YOU it was FETA CHEESE!"

The low-carb dieters munched on meat and mayonnaise roll-ups. Many sports-themed outfits were received. And the "gift basket" was in full effect...instead of purchasing something actually useful, the individual fills a laundry basket with random crap from the dollar store. Oh look, novelty giant diaper pins. Frequently the cost will amount to that of one larger, useful item, but some feel quantity makes a better showing.

The worst part was that the whole event was a tacky extravaganza, from the plastic Farmer Baby favor bags to the overly be-ribboned floral arrangements. Yet everyone loved it, and complimented me on my good taste, saying how it "really shone through." I am a mean, nasty person, because that only made me feel worse. When it's my turn to be knocked up, I'm going to "elope" for the duration. I'll just show up one day, bundle in tow. "Oh, this? Yeah, I found it. Someone left it on my car next to a gym flyer." I'll be damned if I'm going to receive something printed with little footballs.

-xxoo

Posted 10:25 AM by Licketysplit

Eighteen Things to Feel Good About That Have Nothing to do With It Being A Friday



18. If you can read this, you aren't dead.
17. Batman!
16. Venti Latte
15. Doin' the Butt
14. Finding out that someone else who isn't you just got fired/demoted/a bad perm.
13. The number 13
12. Swivel chairs
11. STIFF, A book on the interesting lives of cadavers.
10. Cardigans with "Lambchop" stitched to the shoulder (you should all feel good about this)
9. Anticipation of Starsky and Hutch, the Movie.
8. The Miss Gothic Massachusetts competition
7. Andy Gibb's smile
6. Someone probably admires you.
5. Lunch dates with ex-Mormons
4. Electric pencil sharpener
3. The Microscopic Robots of the Future
2. Sun rises
1. A new little sister!

(for those of you keeping score at home, I have a potential little sister through the Big Sister program. I am going to meet her soon! Until then, I am obligated to keep her identity confidential. Stay tuned!)

Posted 9:50 AM by Lambchop

Burden

Hulk hurt self bulk shopping. Hulk not lie to you. Ouch.

Also, I am morally outraged because it turns out that Netflix does not stock pornography! What the? I mean I just assumed that they would when I forked over $20. It's not like it's a number one hobby or anything, but this is America! If I want to settle in with some microwave popcorn for "Weapons of Ass Destruction," who is Netflix to turn down my hard-earned unemployment dollars? I wouldn't have even noticed if I hadn't been looking for "Something About Mary." This reminded me to always try Keyword: Bukkake. No dice. I am drafting an angry letter right now.

-xxoo

Posted 4:22 PM by Licketysplit

Grouch the Oscars



Oh, No one needs a re-cap on how lame it was that Bill Murray didn't win, or how much Annie Lennox resembles a papery Nosferatu. Never mind that orange effigy passing itself off as Charlize. I am primarily disappointed that there was no Nipple Spill.

At my house there was couture, pink champagne, and a small army of hecklers.

P.S. Did you see that Hansel??? He is so Hott right now.

-xo

[Co-clam's note, since I did not want to push down that loverly shot of the true Oscar: my term for Annie Lennox was 'gratitude leafblower.' And Marcia Gay Harden neatly supplanted Catherine Zeta Jones as this year's Official Flotation Device. Peter Jackson, oh jeez. He needs to be Queer Eyed, stat! That is all - CS]

Posted 1:04 PM by Lambchop