you lousy mammals

2009-01-27T09:47:00.002-05:00

oh, hi

Who that man? What that man doin'? Oh, it Brock Omama. I like him Brock Omama.

2008-12-17T14:23:00.002-05:00

I can't remember the worst December

Oh, sure I can! It's a tie between December 1995, 2000, 2004, or 2008! And where there's December, there's January. Comminagetcha!

OK, I'm going to go make pudding and then skate around on the ice shelf on top of my car.

2008-11-26T16:16:00.002-05:00

This the kinda of shit that you bump to get drunk to

I dunno, my baser instincts suggest I make jokes about how National Buy Nothing Day will be pretty easy for so many more Americans this year, but that is so wrong. It's not nice. I like buying stuff and so do you! May we all take advantage of deep discounts on melamine-free items.

I was just saying to my moosie relation, who may or not be writing on her personal internet homepage again, that ....uh what the hell was I saying. Let me ask, er, review the logs. Yes, OK. I am seeing way more straight up gratitude posts today versus the usual smallpox blanket jokes. This must be a function of a bad economy, like hemlines getting longer. I beg to differ on that point in the article about people cutting their hair shorter when the market drops. Their cuts must not top a c-note. Me, I am growing mine out, and it looks fantastic. I still go every 6 weeks, though, because who wants split ends? It's not the apocalypse.

This year, I am thankful that I played a twenty minute command drum solo on a Wednesday morning instead of going to a real job (I worked last week, so I am off the hook til I get the urge to buy stuff again). I am grateful that my child is a brilliant little beast, even if it means she is going to come up with shit even I never fathomed when she is a teenager. I am pleased that Mr. H got a job with a mere twenty minute commute. I am pleased I did not throw up today, despite initial leanings (seriously, WTF is wrong with me). A Cat did not throw up and only bit me two or four times. So much is right, right, right, despite living on an Indian Burial Ground. I mean, it's sort of like living in a giant fridge box, but with climate control and indoor plumbing. Those things are OK by me. I am thankful to be Facebook friends with YOU! I am thankful my sister never got a Taz tattoo, you betcha. Hey, my kid hasn't bothered me in ten minutes, and I have to go see about that. I am thankful she can't reach the knife block. Yet.

2008-11-06T09:33:00.001-05:00

Trouble Loves Me

I woke up on election day wide awake, thinking "I get to vote!" Normally I laze about as long as possible, cramming a pillow over my head to drown out the little creatures and their pesky whining for food. Learn to work a can opener. Bootstraps and all. But damn, do I love voting. All the ballot questions even went my way for a change. I love paying taxes, love pot, and hate people with jobs. My sister hates the schools, but her question lost. Have fun with the slaaaaaahts.

Yesterday, I woke up, and my first thought was "Barack Obama is going to be the president." What an amazing feeling. Whenever something went wrong, and many things did go wrong yesterday, I thought of that.

I took the whinier of the two little creatures out to buy newspapers, and there was not a single Times to be found in my town. They don't hold with fancy walking around here. These sidewalks are for regular walking. I got one Boston Globe, the local rag, and a Boston Herald (headline: "O baby"). Keep it classy, world.

Then I was struck down with a pestilence. Either that or my body is purging the last eight years like one of those "as seen on TV" cleanses. I got verklempt during the speeches on election night, of course, but everything did not really hit me until I found myself bawling in the shower yesterday morning. This arresting image popped into my head, and all was lost. Maybe it's only arresting if you have a small human of the same age, but surely you can project a bit.

I ended up with a full-blown migraine, even making good on the vomitola. I lurch and spew for you! I spent the rest of the day and night draped over various soft surfaces, moaning and swatting away the child trying to climb on me. There was sitcom-style drama with Mr. H attempting to bring an ex-girlfriend home for dinner. Nothing against her, I'd just prefer to not be encrusted in my own filth when I host! Called a friend in Virginia to hear tales of "I thought it was called the WHITE house, hur hur hur," from her co-workers. Some say the best way to diffuse a racist joke is to play dumb, so I don't get it. What does that mean? Can you be more specific? I'm sorry, I still don't understand. Why is that funny?

Anyway, my head still hurts today, and I seem to have blown through all the expired vicodin. Maybe the pain is something to do with those 55 million folks who thought it would be OK to have Sarah Palin next in line to run the country. Maybe I am channeling the angst of people thrown in jail indefinitely without a trial. I nunno!

Also: WTF, California, Arkansas, Arizona, and Florida. Especially Arkansas, actually. We get to hear all this pap about how gay couples can enjoy all the same legal rights as a married couple with a little finagling, but now they can't adopt children?
At least Connecticut gets a pat on the back for dissing Question 1, plus chasing the last Republican in Congress out of New England. Lotta work to do out there. I'll be the one in dark glasses, whimpering softly.

2008-11-04T23:18:00.002-05:00

I Have Forgiven Jesus

Abba gabba gabba. Eeeba deeedle dabba.

Well, we ranted, we donated, we nagged, we discovered Morrissey song titles apply to any electoral situation, and we even knew the name of the Prime Minister of Canada. I don't know what's left, besides setting a trash can on fire and tipping a car. I am in shock. OK, Sarah, keep moving. Do not stop at the microphone. Nope! There we go. And never, ever make fun of community organizers again. Ah, you feel me.

Ankles aloft, mes amis! I need a hanky and a can of champagne! We will see you in the future when all's well.

2008-11-04T21:24:00.003-05:00

I Want the One I Can't Have

I was practicing folksy cussing in case I need it (Shitwickets! Twattarnit! Bullfumbles! There is an elbow gesture that goes with these.). But I am cautiously optimistic that I won't really need to deploy this.

Fox News is going out on a limb and calling Ohio for McCain, despite everyone else, um, not. ABC just called it for Obama. I am holding out for open, unguarded weeping once we work through merely crotchety. Oh, the Fox News website just recanted. It is hard to be you, Fox News! There is a word for what is happening to you. Wait, it will come to me.

Should I photoshop little Obama heads on all the blue states and Morrissey heads on the red ones? Y/N before I drink more.

2008-11-04T18:38:00.003-05:00

Let the Right One Slip In

We break from chewing on our nails for a "man on the street" interview with our own Lambchop.

"You got a donut??? Damn, I would have liked one of those! I would have voted for sanctity of life or marriage or fetal minimum wage for an old fashioned."

Here she is, enjoying a free cone. Don't worry, Monchichi! You can still make the rounds. In fact, you can do it even if you don't vote! I am fairly sure she hadn't even voted yet when this photo was taken. It also appears to have been taken in Italy, and there's got to be something illegal about that. What would Karl Rove say about this?

In actual news, Obama appears to be leading in Indiana, with 0.0000435237384% of the polls reporting. Mr. H is on his way home with a brown paper sack full of refreshment.

2008-11-04T16:27:00.002-05:00

Well I wonder

I know you all tuned in to see just what Morrissey thinks of these elections. Well, our crack team has uncovered rare footage.

In the next frame (not pictured), he walked offstage with Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, and Dick Cheney and hatched a plot to dispatch Joe Biden swiftly. Good luck with that. Our Joe takes the train. He is wise to shenanigans. I bet he sits in the same seat every time, and heaven help you if you try to plant your ass on his workingman's fief.

Now, be ye mindful: Morrissey also endorsed John Kerry in 2004, and look how that turned out. However, Lambchop writes in from her position at the desk to mention that the Pittsburgh Steelers demonstrated great oracular power in trouncing the Redskins on Monday night. 23-6! Ooooooh. That's bad like losing your home state bad (AL GORE). Clearly this means curtains for the incumbent party.

Or is it: Vincent Rossmeier of Salon reminds us "After the Green Bay Packers beat the Redskins in 2004, thus supposedly ensuring an election victory for John Kerry, Packers safety Darren Sharper, a Kerry supporter, said of his candidate, "Oh, yeah, he's going to win. It's guaranteed. I don't have to vote now. Don't even have to go to the polls. Saved me a trip on Tuesday.""

I think this might have been our problem in 2004. We forgot to vote! Lambchop and I got in a makeup application contest, and those never end well. But today I voted, you betcha. I have been having paranoid fantasies that I filled in the wrong oval, but I was very good at the SATs, so this is somewhat unlikely.

We will return after covering a tense stand-off on the home front. 50% of this household refuses to put on pants. It's getting cold. Jesus, just put them on.

2008-11-04T14:20:00.002-05:00

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

Oh, uh uh, oh no we di'n't. It's time for Vomitola election coverage! You may recall that election day 2004 started off seemingly humdrum and ended with a vicious clash between the Morrisseys and Adam and the Ants (start reading from the bottom up. we can't have nice things). We hit some dead air later that night around Ohio, and man, were we hung over the next day. We may be hungover tomorrow, but I pray it is a hangover of joy.

We're reusing the graphic, but that's only because we are poor. It has nothing to do with environmentalism. That's for sissies like Al Gore.

I managed to vote bright and early, and the good ol' Masonic Temple was packed. Everyone casually dropped mention of how ready they were for CHANGE, and how we NEED it without directly saying OBAMA RULES. Why are people so afraid to say "Suck it, you culture warring freaks, not this time?" You still get free Starbucks and Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry's even if you let your true Socialist-mandating nature fly free. Although Mr. H reports from the field that riots may occur at Starbucks because people cannot understand why they only get free drip coffee and not grande lattes. What was I saying yesterday about running into doors?

2008-11-03T17:01:00.002-05:00

You know what? Just no. I'm going the hell home.

Yeah, blah blah blah, everyone should vote. Important, historic, your voice, bleebity blee. However, if you are undecided a day before the election, just stay home! What are the odds that you can turn the door knob successfully, anyway? Do not get all eenie meanie on us. Please use your political voice for something besides gargling in front of the bathroom mirror. No, scratch that, even gargling has a point.

The Kevin Sheen featured in this article has got to be a proud under-bridge dwelling American. I can see no other explanation for ""I'm actually still wrestling with moral issues," says the 29-year-old registered Democrat, who voted for George W. Bush in 2004."

Sheen, of Lincoln, Nebraska, says his vote is coming down to one issue: abortion. Sheen says he's "definitely pro-life" and he's trying to decide whether Democrat Barack Obama or Republican John McCain is more in line with his views.

Yeah, OK, it's funny to jerk CNN around, troll pants, I'll give you that. Earlier I made a Bob Barr voter feel bad about not having the balls to write in Ron Paul. I'm no angel. If this guy is not a troll, then I need to speak with his parents and every school he ever attended. I need to find a very important YouTube clip for this troubled young man.

And there is no way I am going to click on "Watch the psychology behind undecided voters." I have the answer already. Dropped on head as child. I see the future! And it's full of people running into doors, falling down, and doing it all over again. Maybe wire mother will be nicer to me this time!

In short: conservatives are paranoid that someone is out to get them (and then give their TV to a shiftless non-white teen mother), and liberals feel everyone else must be incredibly stupid. Gonna go lie down.

2008-11-03T12:57:00.003-05:00

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

After much prayer and consideration (used a cootie catcher), I realize that now is the time to speak up for principle, for the one man who can oppose the lunatic New World Order. For that reason, I encourage you all to write in Ron Paul tomorrow.

Oh, I kill me. Go on, Google "lunatic New World Order." But I did dream about exploding building all night last night. I was in a high rise looking down while watching bombs fall in what was supposed to be New York but looked way more like Chicago. It was rather stressful, and between that and a child's non-observance of "Fall Back," I am on my last fraying nerve today. Let it be Wednesday morning already?

I mean, whoa, stuff be scary. There are McCain-Palin signs in Massachusetts! We skipped all those houses while trick-or-treating. I do not want their pizen candy! It is bad enough that I made the tone deaf mistake of dressing my kid in an elephant costume. What was I thinking?

There is even a McCain-Palin sign on the lawn next to our Democrat state rep's house. Now, the rep has a bigger flag, so I see who wins this round. How does he refrain from getting up at 4 a.m. every day to go piss on that sign? Come to think of it, the grass was rather brown around the sign. We took pictures of ourselves being terrified by the sign. That sign was the scariest thing I saw all night, by a mile. The dad driving his kid from house to house was a close second. If you're for McCain, fine, whatever. I could buy that we'd have done better under McCain than GWB had 2000 gone another way, but Palin? Really? America? You there? Don't they make yard signs without her name on them?

I'll be working on perfecting a macaroni and cheese recipe that is also fortified with benzodiazepines if you need me. I'm gonna be rich. I also have to call HAARP and have them engineer a ridiculous blizzard over Western Pennsylvania and selected parts of Florida. Don't forget, me!!!!

2008-10-21T12:27:00.002-04:00

Now is not the time to experiment with teh dumb

Whoa, is that stabbing pain behind my collar bone, sort of in my chestal-throatal region a harbinger of a blood clot from my birth control pill, or is it just the first tickle of the rapture? Could it be due to my all-cake diet of the past week? Little bit stressful 'round these parts, let's leave it at that.

I actually got a robocall from the McBain campaign last night. Me, little ol' me! Did they not realize that I live in useless, useless Massachusetts and have a fine public record of only contributing to the slimiest liberals I can find? I do agree that the Democrats could have come up with a better slogan than "Country, ehhhh, maybe." But I draw the line at air quotes anywhere near the topic of women's health, dontcha know, gosh golly whangdoodle.

At any rate, I am happy to let the RNC waste money on me. I am not sure who signed me up, but now I get all the GOP mailings. Confidential to the person I signed up for NAMBLA: if it was you who signed me up as revenge, ha, I'm still glad I did it!

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my link so far! I keep forgetting to shill this up, so this is a miracle.

I think Obama should use the rest of his money to buy up the rest of "Scrubs" airtime for the rest of the forseeable future. I don't really care what he puts on in its place. Anything Ron Popeil-related would be fine.

Confidential to Joe the Plumber: we already *have* tax brackets, no? So yes, you were already going to pay more than someone who makes half of what you make. Life is difficult. Sure, I don't like paying 35% myself, but I do like all the other awesome stuff that comes with making tons and tons of money*. IDK, IDGAF.

*I'm just role-playing. I don't actually pay taxes thanks to a sinister network of clever nooks and crannies. Gold in my yard.

2008-10-16T09:10:00.002-04:00

I saw the sign

Recently, I was behind a small SUV on the interstate that appeared to be driverless. I was startled for a minute, then nonplussed that I got left out of the rapture. As I passed, the driver popped up triumphant, holding a cellphone rescued from some nook or cranny.

Later in the drive, I passed a digital highway sign that read "TEST 1234," then flashed to "BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Then I stopped at the New Hampshire state liquor barn and bought my kid her first scratch ticket.

2008-10-10T17:16:00.003-04:00

LOL and the art of financial planning

Our retirement funds are only down 25%! We beat the market! Yay! Warren, look out. I will be the next secretary of the treasury. Or the navy. I always thought that would be fun. We are ~~taking stock of our positions~~ watching "Baby Mama" on OnDemand tonight. Mr. H is likely headed to a new job one of these days, so WTF do I do with the workplace-dependent retirement accounts? Roll lint and moths into an IRA with same brokerage and purchase exact same shares as 401(k), lie down with a hot water bottle and wait 30 years? I think that will work nicely. You got a better idea?

Now, my father ruined worrying about global financial crises for me twenty years ago, so please excuse my flippancy. It was 1987, and we were sitting in a McDonald's, not too long after the October crash, and he said "You know, you're not going to be able to eat hamburgers soon." As I gummed my microwaved 49 cent burger, he went on to rail about what luxury I enjoyed, and how all this would come to a screeching halt, leaving us shooting claim jumpers in the streets and trading gold teeth for bread. We could lose our house, we could, oh hell, I forget the rest of the list. Trading cigarettes figured in at some point. I couldn't eat without feeling nauseated for months. Now DEEP SHIT appears to be is HERE, and I am thrilled that I don't have to worry anymore.

Oh! Oh! We were supposed to worry about nuclear power too.

I bet he's gleefully grating Krugerrands to pay for groceries with gold dust. And hey, if it really turns out to be that bad, I'm going to move in with him and let my kid wake him up at 6 a.m. every. single. day.

2008-10-08T16:22:00.002-04:00

Whip it, whip it good, President That One

An unassuming but delicious salad from my childhood:

2 packs pistachio pudding mix
1 20 oz can crushed pineapple
1 tub of thawed Cool Whip
tiny marshmallows and chopped walnuts to taste

Gobble accordingly, my friends. My fellow Americans, I know how to make the salad. I know where to get the marshmallows.

I am so bringing this to Thanksgiving this year. People won't know what hit them. They'll wish they had healthcare that allowed mandatory screenings for AWESOME.

2008-10-01T16:54:00.002-04:00

Timing is everything

Dang, my kid is sucking on a toy made in China. I bet it is pure injection molded melamine, coated with lead. Luckily she has brain cells to spare. She can put her shoes on! She can memorize books and recite them while on her hind legs, like a little Rory Calhoun. She sees when I am sleeping, and wakes me the hell up.

We had a showing of the old Indian Burial Ground the other day, and the lady seemed to really like it. We baked cookies and posed seductively on the bed, sprinkled with dollar bills, saying "Here, take our money!" Take my house, please. Then wouldn't you know there's no credit left, so I would imagine she has a chance in hell of getting a mortgage. Is American Express going to stop buying me things too? I need to know! What about my dastardly scheme of getting 5% cash back and paying my bill in full every month? I hope they don't see through that.

In order to ensure financial prosperity, I have been calling my representatives all day to remind them that provisions for scratch tickets and McDonald's Monopoly game pieces for every man, woman, and child should be attached to any bills they happen to feel like passing. Park Place, you are my golden years strategerie!

And confidential to A. Cat, that $6 I spent on litter was just too much. You and I have a dinner date.

2008-09-14T12:55:00.002-04:00

I had a dream

In my dream, I was grocery shopping, and Sarah Palin was there defending herself against the newly exhumed fact that she did not graduate from high school (N.B.: this is in a dream, I ain't be starting any rumors). Of course this led to her supporters showing up and chanting "Sarah Palin graduates! Sarah Palin graduates!" Now here's the bummer: a rudimentary Google search shows that my dream is not even that original! Sigh. I want to do whatever common people do. Step it up, 90s loving subconscious.

We dragged a ybab to the great state of New Hampshire yesterday to see Barack Obama. Joe Biden didn't come, and that was too bad, because a ybab was much better at pronouncing Joe Biden. I got my "Million MILFs for Obama"* t-shirt, and ybab chose an unlicensed Peanuts "Obama for Kids" button, and we installed ourselves on a grassy knoll to watch.

Hearing Obama in person was inspiring. He's a phenomenal speaker, and the energy of the crowd was so comforting. We didn't even see any hecklers, except for one random homeless couple. Who knew the homeless favor big business and trickle down economics?

I am beyond sick of hearing this campaign fought via spin in the media. I checked the Boston Globe for pictures of the event later in the afternoon, and of course there was a quote from Tucker Bounds at the end of the article (fair and balanced and all) saying that Obama campaigning with a hurricane going on was essentially despicable, and the "scathing personal attacks" were a new low. Huh? I was there, was Tucker Bounds? I missed the scathing, and usually I know from scathing. Trust me, I love scathing! And I am sure that Sarah Palin's event in Nevada on the same day featured zero scathing remarks. Obama opened his speech with discussion of the hurricane situation, and he urged everyone to contribute to the American Red Cross.

My one wish is that people would review the positions put forth by candidates right from the websites of the individual candidates. I am weary of hearing facts come out crushed in a game of telephone, facts from friends and acquaintances who are normally very together people. It brings us all down. We can't rely on sound bites and "Well, my friend read that..." We have unparalleled access to primary source information these days.

Let's say you are worried about taxes? We should absolutely be worried about what the government intends to collect and how they want to spend it. Go read the Obama tax plan. It won't take much longer than updating your fantasy Project Runway team (mine is doing really well, thank you!). There's a link on that page to the full PDF, as well as a comparison chart. This is McCain's tax policy. Do you see any mention of the poor or middle class? I don't. Read, read, read. Make up your own mind on this one. We are all in this together as hard workers and people who want the best for our families.

If you are able to, please consider contributing to the Obama campaign via my financing link.

Now a ybab is awake, and I have to hear the story of how Mr. H converted a Republican in the checkout line by quoting actual facts. Not that it really matters, stupid electoral college.

*Apparently no one has printed this shirt yet. I am glad I fact-checked myself. And I call dibbs.

2008-09-11T09:29:00.003-04:00

A dog ate alphabet soup and started to talk, or so the deceitful people at PBS say

Hey, so, when one is a little "out there" for white supremacists, what can that mean?

Stormfront White Nationalist Community on Sarah Palin

Just sayin'.

2008-09-08T09:44:00.006-04:00

All the children are above average

Large Hadron Collider, you're our only hope! I am painting my "Antimatter #1" foam finger right now. Actually, a ybab is doing that. You might say "No, she is eating the tongue depressor with a sticker on it that she got at the doctor's office this morning." You'd be right.

My head did not split open and manifest a black hole during the pro-drilling commercial that was on during "Meet the Press" yesterday. The ad proudly proclaimed that we need more energy, and we are sitting on 60 years of oil! Sure, some of it may be under cute animals, but that is really their poor choice. Am I daring to stare into the face of God when I wonder what happens once 60 years are up? Oh well, I'll be dead then, killed in the mutant crusades. The other thing I don't get are all the big ups for compressed natural gas. Yes, cleaner burning energy, lovely. Do people think natural gas floats serenely above the surface of the earth, like Casper the Friendly Ghost? There is drilling involved, no? Some of the gas can be obtained as a by-product of existing land raping, and that's an efficient thing to do. But some of these ads remind us, my fellow Americans, that we have a lot of shale. Let's just drill several states off the map, yielding a need for smaller government indeed.

Speaking of being dead, I am turning 25 again in a few weeks. I am fit as a fiddle. I eat omega-3s by the fistful. I have the maturity to delete all the "Fwd: FWD: Fwd: FWD MUST READ THIS: Fwd: Fwd: FWD can you believe these clown's: Fwd" emails that spew forth from the AOL accounts of elderly relatives. OK, I reply all with Snopes links once in a while, but only if I haven't taken my omega-3s. In short, some people are still pretty sure that Barack Obama is going to win and then rip off his suit on inauguration day to reveal some loose and flattering Jihadist wear, ready for climbing monkey bars or flying a plane. He may or may not say "Gotcha, honkies." There is an animated GIF that offers insight.

And speaking of looking at the face of God, I am getting in on some of that action. It's working for a lot of people, so why not me? In fact, I am becoming a Republican too. I don't want the federal government spending my money, now that you mention it, if is is going to continue spending it the way it has been. Maybe this states' rights thing has legs. I'll be waaaay over here, walking places and using reusable bags like a stupid jerk. Don't worry, I can't afford organic arugula anymore. It must be the fault of those tax and spend Democrats in the White Hou-- what's that you say? Oh.

Here in Depraved Massachusetts, Channel 7 interrupted Sarah Palin's RNC speech to cut to a segment on the transsexual on the new season America's Next Top Model. The anchor all but said "Well, that's enough of THAT, let's move on to the important things." There really is a place for all of us, doing special work.

In short, up is down, Cylons are scary, white is still and will always be white, and I need to counteract the effects of Disgusting Massachusetts with some small town values [Daily Show clip]. Like fishing. And drinking. Oh yes, there will be drinking. Can you believe I wrote this mess sober? Ha!

2008-09-04T15:43:00.002-04:00

Let's sue some bears, or arm them, or something. It hurts.

I haven't discussed politics as they relate to this presidential election as of yet. I have thought about writing something down about a zillion times, and I end up feeling sick and queasy and just inarticulate and angry. Friday's Republican VP pick actually filled me with cold fear. Here is someone who has the charisma and "spunk" that a certain segment of America loves to see, bringing a zeal and energy that John McCain cannot muster. She shoots the bacon, brings it home, fries it up in a pan. Just remember, Moxie is actually rather vile in the end.

I find her brand of ideology repugnant, and yet people are urging me to give her a chance because she is "nice." Why is it always a woman who trades in nice? Why is this a redeeming quality when you have nothing ideologically in common with a person? Do Republicans sit around and say "Well, that Barack, I sure do disagree with him, but he is SO NICE!" I think not. Would I enjoy chatting with Ms. Palin? I am sure we could crack wise and yuck it up over some bourbon. Hot tub at the ski lodge all the way! Does this have anything to do with how I vote? Not in a million years.

Sadly, many people get their news exclusively from TV and interpreting photos of smiling, accessible looking people, and maybe she looks and sounds more like their America than the Democratic ticket does. To me, she sounds snide in her delivery (which I kind of like, as long as it's not in an elected leader), inexperienced and full of contradictions, but different strokes, I guess. Her speech last night was certainly rapturous for a group of the homeliest white folks I have ever seen, so she's on to something.

Anyway, I got off my ass, made my Obama donation
til it hurt, and I hugged my little girl, filthy abortion-seeking slut that she may turn out to be. The irony of Ms. Palin "choosing" to have her son despite his medical condition and her daughter's "decision to have her baby" is priceless. Apparently it IS a choice, unless you're everyone else. Probably 75% of the women I know have had abortions. I must run with the wrong crowd.

Miserable depression greeted some of us the day after the 2004 election, and I had actually allowed myself a ray of hope this time around, that maybe people would realize that we as a nation are NOT better off than we were eight years ago, not by a long shot. Me, eh, I've never been without private health insurance. I've never been afraid of not paying my rent. I've never gone without food or delicious, delicious prescription drugs. My credit card pays ME. I bet I'll be fine, no matter who wins.

Until, I dunno, the economy contracts further, there's no more budget for stupid web applications, we lose our jobs, blow through our emergency fund paying for our own health insurance, and walk away from our mortgage. And eat the caaaaaaat, if she doesn't eat us first. Unless you are at a McCain level of wealth, chances are you're closer to the edge than you might like to consider. It's the economy, stupid. The endless beast of a war. The environment. Social services. Equality. Possibly three Supreme Court justices. I have never been more scared than in realizing that the majority of the country may not be happily champing at the bit to undo the last eight years. I just can't picture these two chatting up foreign leaders, but I guess after W, anything really is possible. Let's just go ahead and put an addition on the double-wide and park it on the White House lawn and call it a day.

2008-08-26T10:59:00.002-04:00

Wooooooo

I got a scale that measures my body fat percentage, and you are about to be painfully informed of how happy this makes me. Some people are afraid of the numbers on the scale, but I take it in stride as Science. I have 25% body fat, by the way! Wooooo! I am excited not because this is a good number to have (it's smack in the middle of the optimal range for my height, which means that Anna Wintour would actually throw up at the sight of me), but hey, if I can have a device in my home that shoots electricity through my feet, it's only a matter of time before I can buy a home MRI machine.

OK, if you need me, I'll be wearing a jacuzzi suit. In the future. ThatswhatImtalkinabout.

2008-08-22T12:22:00.002-04:00

I have a Peter Schilling song stuck in my head

Man, I took the trash out, and I found out just how low of concerns my neighbors really are. Not only do they not recycle, they read "In Touch Weekly!" Didn't even have the decency to hide it under something else!

Although who can really blame them, since this one lady in the building went to court to get the communal recycle bin hauled off because she felt its location made her parking space less convenient. I really do sympathize with her inability to back her SUV out with the flourish to which she was accustomed, but now I am stuck shredding and eating my own magazines, and this is harder than one might think. I saw a woodchuck up the hill, and I am going to see if I can kidnap him to eat the magazines for me. He can live in the washing machine when I am not using it. When I am, well, we will work that out when we get there.

I have to go figure out who I can sue about something. The weather: inconvenient or malicious?

2008-08-10T22:40:00.005-04:00

Math: fad or here to stay?

Dear the internet, I wasted my whole weekend trying to buy a TV. Apparently no one wants me to buy a TV, as there are eleventeen thousand choices, with hundreds of dollars in price variance between sellers of TV sets. Plus the poor slobs at Sears will haggle, I hear! Is it even called TV anymore? Apparently it is called HDTV, and I am getting a "screen," not a set. Also, my old DVD player is a few letters too short to just plug into the holes on a "display." As Mr. H said, we have put more research into this TV than we did into buying our Indian Burial Ground, but then, look where that got us.

I backed into needing a TV by getting a TV stand, er, media wall, (from here!) and it is fantastic, but so completely attractive that maybe putting a TV on it would spoil it. It may well just sit there, languishing glamorously, until someone comes up with the notion to sell TVs in three flavors, like Apple products. You know: nice, nicer, really nice, and no, you can't afford it. I cannot abide more than three choices, and I become so paralyzed that I would rather stare at all this reclaimed Brazilian barn wood than watch TV. I hear there is nothing good on TV anyway. Oh, barn wood, you have a lovely and fascinating pattern of holes. By the way, its beauty is superlative when placed against our new wall color.

Other than that, cruising altitude is nice. Is it the Oprah book or my stop smoking medication (I don't smoke anyway, so really, this is approximately the same as taking speed, with less scratching holes in myself)? Now I'd go watch some Olympic Facebook updating, if I had a TV. My money is on the team from my old highschool, where people I don't even remember meeting will still add me. You who what? Is that your married name? No? I really just don't remember?

Oh, Jesus, remind me to tell you about the going jogging some day. My shoes are shiny like a robot.

2008-07-25T07:48:00.003-04:00

JetBlue is DEAD TO ME

Internet, give me the strength not to scream at the Mormon CSR trying to charge me $15 to do the thing I am supposed to do on the website, yet the feature on the website DOES NOT WORK. Happy Jetting, you perky fucks. Thanks for not flying with us today. Thanks for JETTING. Yeah, we will indeed not be flying with you today, because you cancelled our flight. I assume this is because our particular plane is routed efficiently from the seventh layer of Hell, as the skies above Boston are rather lovely this morning. Give me back my money! The Utah accent is not helping me process my loss. Don't make me send my Zellweger down there.

2008-07-22T18:02:00.002-04:00

Have you given up?

It is a banner day when one gets personally invited back to the Republican Party by embossed stationery. I wonder how they found me? Perhaps from my subscription to "Entitlement Quarterly?" Or my presence on the Klan roster? Glory be.

It's a sad day. Estelle Getty has left this earth, and a small child has figured out how to use a kazoo. I did scare someone into giving me half off a custom framing order though. He even carried it to the car. And I received a preliminary attractive person's discount on a fine product! At last, acknowledgment that my eyebrows start at the exact proper point on my face. Life is so, so bittersweet.

I am never leaving the house again.