Let's sing another song, Boys...this one's grown old and Bitter



Berlin is already rocketing with lightning war. T-minus 5 hours in Boston. Well darlings, it's been Real. I mean Really Real.

See you in 2004!

-xo

Posted 4:50 PM by Lambchop

Ceaseless Self-examination



I am calculating my faults and bad habits, weighing the probability of miraculous transformation-all the things that are promptly forgotten once the champagne has been uncorked. Yes, its time for Lambchop's New Year's Resolutions:

1. I resolve to listen to all those Current 93 cds.
2. I resolve to eat at home, umm, sometime.
3. I resolve to resume recreational drug use. (just kidding, Boss!)
4. I resolve to revive the ascot.
5. I resolve to make better paintings.
6. I resolve to be more insane, but less irritating.
7. I resolve to scratch the itch.
8. I resolve to spend less time at the motherf@§$ing doctor's office.
9. I resolve to Make Life Beautiful!
and most importantly,
10. I resolve to Lie.

-xo

Posted 9:06 PM by Lambchop

Vomitola and your morning coffee

Make that Diet Coke. Ho hum. It's afternoon already isn't it. According to a dramatic shadowy figure not unlike the Phantom Gourmet, Vomitola is better than the New York Times. That's not tooooo hard to do. That consarned Liberal Media! I am halfway through Lies and the Lying Liars..., and I have to keep putting it down because I become enraged at the fact-twisting that Mr. Franken uncovers. And he's armed only with a modicum of common sense and a team of Harvard grad students! Just think what the Vomitola staff could accomplish, given an unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper-flavored LipSmackers.

But I have to really put the book down for a few weeks, as I packed it somewhere especially mysterious. The big day is tomorrow. We even returned the cable box and modem, although we forgot the remote. It's worth $16.50 to not go back to that horrifying office. The Ministry of Cable.

And to add insult to injury, we're not even moving into our yuppie loft. That's not ready for another 2 weeks or so. So our grubby possessions go into storage, and we end up at Casa de la Carpeted Kitchen, a.k.a. Mr. H's ancestral home. I will take lots of pictures. People really live this way! And shop this way. I just don't see how a carpeted supermarket would fare much better than a kitchen.

-xxoo

Posted 2:47 PM by Licketysplit

My true calling

It ain't packing, that's for sure. Last night I realized I had diligently sealed up all the plates and utensils 3 days in advance of the big move. Eating was a barbaric undertaking, right out of Tom Jones.



But my real life's wish? To be a rich eccentric. "Oh, now that I'm retired, I mainly race a stable of pigs, ridden by monkeys."

Glad we sorted that out. I don't think it's *that* odd that I have no desire to hold down a job. Both my parents didn't work when I was a child. A steady diet of seeing your formative role models doing whatever they damn well please may adversely affect one's inclination to take orders from fools. Unfortunately, they spent my trust fund already by not working. That and some ill-advised day-trading.

-xxoo

Posted 4:01 PM by Licketysplit

Experiencing Technical Difficulties



Oh F@§$, I am sick. Please direct all sympathies to my house, where I am parked in front of my television with a stack of movies. Also, please kill me.

-xo

Posted 9:51 AM by Lambchop

housekeeping

Ahem. I really need to get rid of some household sundries. It is all FREE, provided you come haul it off. I'd help as far as your car/monster SUV, and then you're on your own. Location is Somerville, on the Meffa side of Teele Square. The other catch? Get in touch by tomorrow night (licketysplit at vomitola dot com or AIM vomitola), or it's going to Goodwill or landing on the curb in various states of disassembly.

- Futon mattress and cherry frame, full. Provenance: expensive. Mission style. Will accommodate other sexual positions too, I'm sure. This is not to imply that it is anything less than sanitary. It is a cornerstone of our sun room decor, and we just won't have room for it in the new place.
- Papasan chair. Light blue cushion. Came with the apartment.
- Incredibly ugly tapestry and wrought iron chair. It is uncomfortable. It was a gift. Perhaps one of you fine souls would find it ironic in a Medieval Times way.
- Small waist-high 3-shelf bookshelf. Nondescript. I'd paint it if I were you.
- Assorted white Austrian china set. There are 4 of this, 6 of that, and 2 egg cups! Really, a lot of dishes.
- Set of Pilsner glasses, wine glasses, shot glasses, beer steins, etc.
- Blond wood filing cabinet/printer stand.

Posted 9:30 PM by Licketysplit

bodies, rest, and motion



I'm taking a break from packing, my face blackened and smeared from newsprint. I make a great guttersnipe. In other fashion news, I accidentally dyed my hair burgandy. Does "Brazillian Bronze" sound like burgandy to you? Me neither. The picture on the box looked frigging chocolate brown to me. This is my karmic reward for taking matters into my own hands. I thought I'd save a few bucks (now that I'm unemployed in the future) and cover my sadly grown out highlights. I just never expected to turn into Shannen Doherty! I know this is a highly prized color amongst filing secretaries and teenage girls, but it's just not right for me. So back I shall slink to my colorist. She will twit me mercilessly and leave me under the dryer a bit longer than necessary. Spiteful witch.

We're down to the pile of strange wires and incomprehensible electronic bits and discs, so I'm letting Mr. H take over. I already packed 6 million pounds of glassware. You know how we roll. Like Crate & Barrel, apparently, with a sheet of butcher paper on the diagonal. Speaking of rolling, I also found a long forgotten bong! And my highschool yearbook! I've been throwing things away ruthlessly, because I realized my number one favorite pastime is trading stuff in for better stuff. Even Mr. H has caught the fever;I just saw him fling a framed baby picture of his neice into a Hefty bag. "I know what she looks like." Applause! Applause!

-xxoo

Posted 3:31 PM by Licketysplit

Discredited By Dessert



My fortune cookie last night read:

The liar is never believed, even when he tells the truth.

Dang.

-xo

Posted 11:30 AM by Lambchop

Only 365 Days until Xmas



I hope you have all been enjoying stuffing your faces and gazing wall-eyed at your new pile of gimcracks, thinking of jesus and abusing the scarf your grandma knitted you.

I had a some lovely Turkey at Licketysplit's house, which she served in an apron bedecked in stars. Christmas night is spent as usual searching for a bar thats open. Don't You need drinks after spending the day listening to "Good King Wenceslas" and slurping egg nog while your mom asks if you have gained weight? So why did You not open My bar?? Its totally irresponsible, people need drinks!

Speaking of which, you are all invited to Lambchop's New Years Eve Party. There will be tons of attractive and intoxicated people. We will likely have karaoke and greet the dawn standing on the porch in our underwear, sucking the last of the Freixenet from the bottle. My New Year's Resolution will as usual be to never do this again.

Don't you just love new beginnings?

-xo

Posted 6:34 PM by Lambchop

The true holiday miracle

No, not oil in a lamp or loaves and fishes or the great pumpkin. I lost four pounds since Thanksgiving. My pants fit again.

Thanks, lack of interest in things I previously enjoyed. Including snacks and booze. And I suppose some credit goes to trudging to work in the snow instead of driving, because we can't give up our precious parking spot to actually use the car. Oh no. Someone might plunk a busted-up chiffarobe in the space, and if we move it when we come back, we'll lose our windshield to a brick. It's Somerville, not some medieval fiefdom. But you wouldn't know it from all the lawn chairs. And the best part? The snow is pretty much gone. The douche bags down the street who never use their garage and driveway will be claiming street space until motherloving April.

I was going to make a holiday card, but maybe not.

-xxoo

Posted 12:22 PM by Licketysplit

Wag the Dog



I'm going to start off with some fun and not so fun facts.

• There is graffiti on the wall at Fajitas n' Ritas that reads "Kucinich in '04!!!" written very demurely in ballpoint pen.


• The National Mail Voter Registration Form will allow you to register to vote from just about anywhere in the United States


• In Massachusetts, here are still more ways to register to vote


• Here are the names and faces of those confirmed killed in Iraq to date.

What prompts this unpleasant digression to reality? Today we decided to challenge Mr. H's emerging immune system by watching the Sunday morning political talking head shows. We even watched The Chris Matthews Show, which is sure to get the blood moving. The panel discussed the Dean candidacy in some depth. It seems to be a foregone conclusion that he'll be the eventual nominee. Someone noted that Wes Clark is a much better candidate on paper, and Peggy Noonan piped up saying something like "But Dean supporters are impervious to argument!" Mr. H snorted and said "First time I've ever agreed with that douche bag." Peggy "one day my face is going to crack open" Noonan is right. College kids do know everything.

When Dean talks about anger and despair, it's hard not to feel touched. I am full of anger and despair, especially when I see the weekly list of 19-year-olds killed in Iraq. But a few weeks ago, I saw some average young white guys skiing down Arlington Street holding up signs saying "Paging Doctor Draft Dodger." And I had the horrible realization that "if this is in Massachusetts, he's sunk in the flyover states and the south." Apparently we tolerate two tuxedo-wearing brides and ice cream with chunks of candy in it a lot better 'round these crunchy liberal parts. I fear angst and dreadlocked kids do not fly in the heartland.

And that doesn't mean them thar kids (and plenty of other perfectly well-adjusted adults) aren't entitled to their opinion. This year I encourage everyone to become involved. If I count you in my circle of friends and you don't vote, whatever your poison, I will be saddened. Although I still want to send a flaming shit-o-gram to Ralph Nader. But that's my opinion, fucko.

I can't say I'm a fully informed voter yet, but I'm trying to get there. Mr. H says "In the meantime, go Wes!" I am going to revisit the presidential (disg)race once a week, so some of you might want to learn the Meow Mix song to sing during those posts, to make them go away. But fear not, we'll have a heaping helping of dribble for you in the interim, because a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. For every time I nag you, I promise one topless photo. Or something, as I realize that doesn't float everyone's boat. But I've been saving one from when I was 19. You should see how perky the girls were.

-xxoo

Posted 5:40 PM by Licketysplit

I must be wearing a natty lapel pin

I think it says "Abuse me." Why else would I be doing work on a saturday for a job from which I'm fired in the future? While my christmas shopping goes undone, the laundry stays filthy, and my husband is a shivering, hacking heap in the spare bedroom. Also, I am glad for everyone I know who is in the midst of a whirlwind of candy suckers and visits to the petting zoo. Really, I am. Just keep it to yourself for approximately the next week. I'm resigning myself to the fact that I obviously perpetuated some atrocity in a former life. Or possibly three weeks ago, I'm just not sure anymore.

-xxoo

Posted 5:46 PM by Licketysplit

I am finishing the Big Move (from one bedroom to the one right next door). It took a while, because I did it one sweater at a time. I have already started painting in the new posh pit. I am taking a break to twirl a lollipop and wonder where the cigar in my pocket came from.

If you know the answer to this ponderous riddle, do rattle my cage. I will be here listening to Roxy music and flexing my new muscles until its time to go see my fellow Smuggler play at the Somerville theater. Do come, and slip mysterious objects in my pocket. I won't remember!

-xo

Posted 3:17 PM by Lambchop

confidential to Lambchop and Parker Posey

I second that emotion.

Also, I searched for "big obnoxious picture of Julia Roberts laughing," but came up empty-handed. Mona Lisa Smile looks SOOOO GOOD. At least as GOOD as The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I have already ordered enough tickets for us to have a private viewing this evening.

-xxoo

Posted 10:30 AM by Licketysplit

State of the Lambchop Address



-xo

Posted 8:40 PM by Lambchop

Lambchop gets a Forcefeeding



The agonies of my Tract continue, and so tomorrow I have to endure a battery of tests. I have to fast until morning, at which point I will show up to the office, sample proudly in hand, and be forcefed some kind of dairy concoction until my liver bursts. Oh wait, thats foie gras. No, I will then be bled for two hours. I wonder when they are going to bring out the leeches?

This procedure is utterly pointless, as there is NO WAY I am lactose intolerant. Me and cheese go way back. We like the same things! For a time I was trying to learn how to say "I like cheese" in as many languages as possible, merely to generate variety in the expressions of love that I whisper to Cheese. This actually came in handy when I got caught stealing cheese from the dining hall where I was pizza girl. When asked by the manager what I was doing carrying cheese with me into the coatroom, I simply repeated "I like cheese..." to his every query until his jowls quivered and his face turned red. He eventually gave up. Wouldn't you?

After all the starving and bleeding, I get to stagger all starved and bled to WORK, where a colossal mountain of someone else's failure awaits me in great papery dunes.

But it ain't all bad news, folks- I got a call from the Sisterhood today. If all goes well, I shall soon be mentoring a 7-15 year old girl. I just hope they won't be requiring any samples.

-xo

Posted 10:57 PM by Lambchop

Break up to make up

America, these are scary times. I get through them just a bit more easily thanks to a few important people. I would say I add more important people every year than I subtract. Then there's the people I'm out of touch with even though you live across town. What's your damn deal? Who stops writing back first? Who lets the calls go to voicemail? Many times I'm guilty. Life gets overwhelming.

Like this week. I had to hop in a cab yesterday to get home to take Mr. H to Rehydration Camp. That's like Guantanamo Bay, with Tylenol and surly nurses. Today the little sucker had to go back again because he couldn't breathe, and it turned out he has pneumonia. I was so scared. He never really gets sick, so when he calls in the middle of the afternoon to say "Can you come home," it's a pretty big deal. I had this horrible thought that he might kick off even as I waited in line at CVS to purchase the exciting thermometer with 3 modes. You can tell which mode it's in because the stick man on the LCD points to his head, his armpit, or his ass.

After all the prescriptions were filled, we sat on the couch and got weepy talking about how neither one of us is ever allowed to die or become gravely ill. I realize how my definition of family has changed over the years. For all intents and purposes, a lot of my blood relatives are nutbags that the nuclear family prefers to avoid. My own parents are kind and well-intentioned, but they just don't understand half the stuff that comes up in our lives. Weddings? "In my day, you changed your name and liked it!" When I was busy doing the pee-pee dance about getting laid off, released from 1999-style hell, my poor mudder was unsettled. Until I put it like this: "I motherfucking retired. Like Coolio." Retirement, that they get. "Oh. Well, CONGRATULATIONS!"

But I've got my boo, and we're a family. We make big scary adult decisions. We are getting life insurance. We use the cat as a child substitute, because she's people too. And then there's the rest of the tribe, the friends we can count on no matter what. Sorry to be a sap, but it's true, and you know it. Don't underestimate what you have for a snot-covered second. It's worth more than a job or a new car or even shoes. Sure, work kept me in cartoon underwear for a while, but there's more to life than lame-ass pyramid charts and capabilities presentations. We've got empires to start, hairstyles to try out.

So thanks for being my people, people. All those rude conversations about other people's outfits, all those rounds of drinks, oh, those times we paint each other's nails, they mean so much.

-xxoo

Posted 10:21 PM by Licketysplit

I've got the fever for the flavor

...of the totally hypothetical layoff package!

From here on out, I recommend that larger layoffs be conducted like American Idol auditions. (Because waiting around all afternoon is the pits. I mean what if I had a dentist appointment?)

"Group two, please step forward."
"Group one, you're going to L.A.!!!!!"

And then group two would get cut on by people with British accents. Although that's darn near what happened to me. But if I say another word, I might potentially jeopardize my theoretical agreement. Oh wait, just saying this much is bad enough. Maybe I'm making this all up. You just don't know, do you, gentle reader?

In any case, I am unreasonably pleased.

p.s.: Lambchop, I have it on good authority that there is a magic bus that goes down Brighton Ave all the way downtown, thus avoiding the indignities of the train. Or is that just for poor people, whose ranks I may or may not be joining?

-xxoo

Posted 10:30 PM by Licketysplit

Oh, and another thing about that commute...



I queued up for the train as always, like a concession of defeat. The colder it gets, the larger and more desperate this mob becomes. This morning I was part of a faceless torrent of blighted souls, like a yuppie death march toward Dunkin Donuts, hunched over and lurching forward. I dropped a glove and thought I might be trampled if I bent to retrieve it.

While release from the train may be ecstasy, we are swallowed instantly by the cavern.


This is what I feel like:




OOH, congratulations to Licketysplit for achieving, uhhh, something.

-xo

Posted 10:24 PM by Lambchop

Grover Sings the Blues



He's so anxious, and he is always screwing up. He hollers and bounces off the wall. Need I tell you how strongly I identify with Grover? I was in a cafe today and I read a Grover poem in a Little Golden Book:

when my imagination
takes me by the mind
it leads me so far, so fast
my body's left behind
yet that's when I am most myself
lost in wish and dream
and coming back, I smile and think
"I'm more than I might seem."

While I was reading it, Tom Jones was howling "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" on the piped-in music.

P.S. Lately I have been feeling uneasy about working for a Firm and squandering all my dough on likker and gewgaws, especially the way I ignore panhandlers. So I have volunteered to become a Big Sister. I know you people think I am inherently incapable of anything approaching sincerity, but I really want to give some time and take a kid to the library, and rollerskating, and listen to her problems.

Oh Shut Up.

-xo

Posted 10:00 PM by Lambchop

Queer Eye Hit and Run



So I was in the thrift store today, squeezing into some pants and a tacky one-dollar belt. I was eyeballing them in the mirror when a handsome, gay man strides by and intones "that's HOT" in that dry, world-weary mary-way. And was just as suddenly gone. Hot, eh? Aren't gay men by definition not supposed to find things hot on me? I had more or less made up my mind not to buy anything. But apparently, Lambchop is powerless to resist the endorsement of a gay man. No wonder nice boys don't like me.

-xo

Posted 4:20 PM by Lambchop

'Tis the Season to be Tipsy


It was a brand new freezing day and even though I said NEVER AGAIN, I still came to work in that blighted vessel of the damned.

Last night was my swell roomate's office xmas party. Thanks for inviting me guys, in spite of my propensity to make out by the copier! (note:I did no such thing. I don't even think they have a copier.-ed.) Tonight is my firm's party. I plan to chew and screw. Who needs to get drunk and chatted up by the guys from the mailroom or those screwheads in accounts payable? More to the point, I don't need my boss to see me acting like an idiot.

Get well soon, most beloved Lickety!

-xo

Posted 4:29 PM by Lambchop

Soothing Reflections

In honor of I don't know what, I made a new header. I have been told irony is dead, so please genuinely enjoy the lovely sunset.

-xxoo

Posted 2:02 PM by Licketysplit

She'll Drive a Big Car

Oh God how I hate the motherf@#$ing B. (For those of tuning in from a safe distance from Boston, the B is a hulking, train-like object that crawls down the street crammed with the dense folk that populate Boston University). I thought it was bad in the summer, all those chunky college girls in low slung spare-tire-pushup pants. Rolling bare guts everywhere. When I got a seat they would surround me at eye level. I felt like I was trapped ina bag of marshmallows.

Oh but winter promises a crushing of the soul. The morning train is packed and its all elbows and humongous backpacks and cellphones. It fills me with hatred for my fellow humans. It laces my inner monologue with a frenzy of "motherf@#$er" I take deep breaths- its not their fault they are two human sizes too large and they have to read Lord of the Rings with their elbows planted in the small of my back. Of course one must flip their waist length hair with one's hands, even if it lashes into my eyes and mouth.

I wish I were a Woodsman by trade. Then I could board the train with an axe slung over my shoulder (and a jaunty feathered cap!)

I took a taxi twice this week. What bliss! I sail into work on time with well-groomed fingernails and a broad smile. Italk to Greeks, Haitians, Dominicans, Trinidadians. We laugh and agree that life is short so fuck it. I admire the skyline, I tip well.

I can't help it that I was also born a human, but I just can't take Satan's Herd!

-xo

Posted 4:41 PM by Lambchop

Half-assed

This is about right: fuh2

I stole that from Mr. Baby's daddy. And the other day I was saying that I simply must meet his baby mama. You people have no visible means of contact on your site, what else am I spozed to do? Don't you WANT crank letters? That's the whole reason I have a site.

In the meantime, I've instructed him to make up things about me in advance of this potential meeting. I dearly love rumors, especially ones that go something like "Well, Helen's a little different, she has a hump...and a speech impediment. You might want to prepare yourself." Speaking of rumors, my co-worker who recently attended the FurCon would like you all to know that he missed out on the cold going around because of the protective powers of his squirrel mask.

The hump idea reminds me of a spectacularly bad roommate situation I had way back in college. I shall not begin to detail the faults of the third mate, but let's just say they motivated mate #2 and I to go to great heroic lengths to pester her back. The single weirdest thing we did involved prosthetic deformities. She'd traipse in with a posse of ne'er-do-wells to find one of us scuttling into the kitchen with one giant fake butt cheek, or perhaps eating microwave popcorn on the couch in the guise of a hunchback. We wouldn't acknowledge the get-up, and people would become very uncomfortable and frequently leave.

Come to think of it, I should reprise my Quasimodo role at the family Christmas jamboree. That would be a larf!

-xxoo

Posted 4:13 PM by Licketysplit

Bowie has the flu and so do You



Of course, in YOUR case, you do not have a nine foot tall african to spoon feed you chicken broth with little dumplings. YOU are sitting and wheezing in a crusty bathrobe, wishing for death. Not so our lovely Licketysplit. She bravely endures countless rubdowns with Vicks and drinks tea with garlic and salt.

In spite of the fact that I have been drinking enough to retard a fetus, not sleeping much, and riding my bike around at night in a blizzard in hot pants, I have not been struck down. This kind of madness is its own reward- the city of Boston is gorgeous on a clear wintry night, sailing (ok, skidding) over the Charles River on the MIT bridge with no other traffic.

The postponement of the Bowie show and perilous hangovers are not my only woes. I have lamps in my room that hang too low. I lived with them without incident until someone pointed out that they were too low. Then I started hitting my head on them every time I came into the room.

It has been very cold and just the other day a friend was describing the nirvana of waking up, laying under six blankets and feeling very warm, but knowing that the world outside is treacherous and bitter and that you can't stay. And it feels so delicious because you can't hold on to it for more than a few minutes. To me thats the greatest thing in the world.

-xo

Posted 4:53 PM by Lambchop

brain in a jar, that's the life for me



Whoa people, you don't want to know what's been coming out of my head lately. This is the sick that just won't quit. It's the time of the year when I start obsessing, thinking I must have HIV, oh why oh why did I ever do those things with all those sailors? Then I realize "ohhhh, I get ragingly ill every single year at this time, and every year I convince myself I have some dreadful auto-immune problem." I have this sick schedule down. First we start off with a cold in October. Then the first two weeks of December are a total wash with some sort of strep-like thing. Finally, things cap off in January or early february with a bout of bronchitis. Sure, one year I bucked the trend and got pneumonia in November, but really that was just to get out of going to the symphony. I had an assignment to review a performance of some Mahler, and damned if I didn't end up getting to review Being John Malkovich instead. Make up work, boo yeah. Low culture, holla back.

Speaking of culture, I read a book. It happens. It was pretty good, even with all the Writing. Middlesex. I am sure Sofia Coppola has already optioned it. I cried at the end. One little detail just absolutely killed me. No, I'm not going to tell you what it was. Freaking read it, then maybe we'll talk. It's got Detroit, it's got incest, it's got hermaphrodites, it's out in paperback. What's not to like?

That brain up there really is mine. I used to volunteer for any medical study involving an MRI in college. I love x-ray vision. I've been thinking a lot about what a bummer it is to be human meat. I'd totally go for being a brain in a jar, except then I couldn't play at being attractive on weekends. Although the MRI tech did say I have lovely, perfectly formed ventricles. I have another shot that shows them. They look just like butterflies.

-xxoo

Posted 7:34 AM by Licketysplit

President Doctor Evil

Just what we need, a manned base on the moon. Someone alert Astronaut Jones at once!

""You've got the Chinese saying they're interested -- we don't want them to beat us to the moon. We want to be there to develop the sweet spots," Republican Senator Sam Brownback says." Got it. Gay marriage is the new Communism. Asians are the new Russians. The new season of Queer Eye is all about turning straight men into clones of celebrities. Week 1: David Bowie. Week 2: Moby. Week 3: Adam Curry?! I'm hip to the jive.

Personally, I'd get more use out of a clone than a space station on the moon. Clone, go to work for me. Clone, go to the bathroom for me. Clone, administer to my mate, he had a rough day. Oh Clo-one? I could use some more scalloped potatos. Out of the box, just like I like 'em.

Confidential to the two co-workers on vacation while I sit at work rather peaked and weary: First one — I already coughed on your keyboard, or possibly your door handle. You too have a 50-50 chance of dying of rabies now. As for the other, I spread a rumor that you are off attending a FurCon. I keeeeed. Just making sure you're paying attention. I would never ever do anything like that. Or would I?

-xxoo

Posted 1:13 PM by Licketysplit

The Simpsons Are Going to Japan

Thanks to my pal Thrifty J for pointing out the stupid cheap $360 fare from Boston to Tokyo! Huzzah. Turned out to be a misprint (it normally would have been $3000 for us to fly on those dates), but American honored it anyway. When I called to finagle it, the world-weary Texan lady who answered said "Oh, the Boston thing again." Sigh. And now it's gone, and someone probably got fired. I can't wait for April. We'll pirouette 'neath daintily falling cherry blossoms, and I'll croon "Hot Child in the City" with some drunken businessmen. Mr. H is all hot to go to a country n' western bar.

Other than that stroke of luck, today was a major ass-ramming. And not in that good way. Just as poor Heather suffers from ailments of the tract, there seems to be a capricious gnome squatting in my chest. His friend Stabby lives in my throat. Maybe it's rabies. I'm about to hit the Nyquil pretty hard.

We took Spare Cat (a stray who lived on the front porch) to the animal shelter last night, and he savaged us right and proper. I understood, I really did. I don't like to get crammed in tiny boxes either, even with my very small frame. You're right, I *can* curl up into a very small ball. Oh no, you flatter me! It didn't help that Spare Cat had space madness from being stuck out in the cold. In a triumph of my mother's meddlesome DNA, I made him a wretched little insulated hovel on the porch, which is how he survived the past week. If anyone is interested in a handsome devil of a white cat (with big blue eyes and an extra toe), I can point you in the right direction. Unfortunately he does not play well with other cats, which is why we couldn't keep him. And he's got a meow like a rusty hinge.

-xxoo

Posted 9:04 PM by Licketysplit

Bottom's Up!

Last night I had a fine time at Alvin and Jenny's house. We played a rousing round of Dr. Quack. According to Alvin, one can suffer mightily from Driver's elbow, a heartbreaking condition of the joint of the arm that does nothing while one is driving. I am in a dire state of vomitola. My poor Tract has been bothering me and I am finally going 'round to the doctor today. I do hope I have to swallow barium or have a colonoscopy, as I know there is nothing you eager little piranha will appreciate more than pictures of my supple bottom. The other good thing is that I will be granted entrance into Jenny's new religion, The Diagnostics. But I have a long way to go to rival the founding members, who have suffered allergies to snail larvae, and a syndrome that paralyzes half your face in a stroke-like manner, but is easily treated with two days of antibiotics.

Here's hoping I have Crone's Disease!

-xo

Posted 12:21 PM by Lambchop

I get weird

About the flexible packaging industry.

Behold, Hershey's Portable Pudding. It's a 2003 Flexible Packaging Achievement Awards Competition Highest Achievment Award Winner. For Excellence in the field of Excellence.

"Additionally, the package features improved graphics over the pudding cup since the entire stick pack can be printed." That doesn't make this a GOOD idea. The closest comptetition would have to be Hunt's Squeez 'n Go. Because Americans can't cram food in their mouths fast enough.

I saw a whole display of this questionable object at the Super Stop n' Shop in Medford. They had a rack of chocolate and a rack of vanilla, both equally tantalizing. This reliable source says it also comes in Cookies n' Cream. I had to be dragged away. I was not allowed to purchase any, but Mr. H did independently let on that it would be funny to ply his four year old nephew with them to annoy his brother the homophobe. I don't think his brother needs to worry about that kid. The little bugger was totally looking down my shirt the other day.

-xxoo

Posted 10:40 PM by Licketysplit