Dear Kitty Winn,
The leader of my nation is poised to start some WWIII-type shit. I am scared and embarassed. I signed all the petitions, and I half-heartedly stood around with some protesters. I thought about emailing my senator, whoever that is. Now I’m sort of informed, having watched the president talk on tv and looked at some scary infographics on the ABC network. The technical explanation I heard was “we’re gonna pound em.” Kitty, what can I do to take control of this situation? I’m frazzled and perplexed!
You’ve got nothing to fret over. Remember, nuk-yoo-lar weapons can’t hurt you, only the nuclear ones. Sit back, apply some soothing cucumbers to your eyes, and wait for the next Golden Girls rerun. Oh wait, or did you vote for Ralph Nader? In that case, a special detail will be by in fifteen minutes to impress you into the Navy. You’ll be taking control of the situation, all right. But don’t worry, chicks (and lots of fellas) dig uniforms!
At any rate, it’s horrid and scary. Kitty would advise against stress eating, as no one likes a chunky monkey, and nail biting is out as well. Think of your manicure! You could devote yourself to tooth whitening or promiscuity. Those are really the only acceptable options. Oh, and hoarding. Stop driving your confounded SUV and walk to loot the grocery store. But French wine and bon bons are out, as are French cheeses. And stop saying “zut alors” and “c’est la vie.” It’s annoying anyway.
Kitty will be hiding under the bed if you need her. But she’ll be wearing a fabulous negligee!