Goddammit, internets, I’ve picked up a parasite. I am not sure how I acquired it. Maybe at the bus station. Maybe at the Olive Garden. Of course my mother assumes it must be sexually transmitted, and honestly, she’s probably right. But at any rate, I toss and I turn, and the room pitches and yaws, and then I vomitola.

So I have taken to wearing these ridiculous powder blue knitted accupressure wrist bands. I look ready to suit up and join Team Zissou. Retro! Is there a David Bowie song about barfing to add to the soundtrack? “Blackout?” “Ricochet?” “It Ain’t Easy?” “Hang on to Yourself?” “Looking for Water?” Really, I can throw up to any Bowie song. It’s a knack. Like dolphins can swim!

I was searching for “David Bowie barf” on Google, natch, and I came across this:

My little sister Laura, has an irrational fear of David Bowie. This started when she first saw one of the last scenes in Labyrinth, where he has very big hair and is wearing very tight tights.

Being the loving sister that i am, i started playing her bowie songs so she became petrified of his voice as well.

Then i told her David Bowie lived under her bed. before she went to sleep at night, dad had to look under her bed to make sure that David Bowie wasnt there.

That was fun enough, but i had to take it that little bit furthur.

I heard the song ‘Under Pressure’ which is Bowie, but also Freddie Mercury…now laura didnt know who Freddie was, so i showed her lots of pictures of him looking relativly scary…and being about 6 or 7, she was scared. I then made sure she knew the song Under Pressure, and also realised that it was Bowie and Freddie. She became rather scared of the song and would cry every time it was on.

I then told her that Freddie Mercury lived in her wardrobe.

So now we have a young girl who is scared that David Bowie is under her bed and Freddie Mercury is in the wardrobe. Thats scary, thats mean enough…but it wasnt for me.

One night, after reinforcing her belifs about the monsters in the closet, I got up at about 3am. I sat in the hallway outside her room, and plugged in a tape player which had been set so that when i pressed play, it played about 10 seconds of silence, then Under Pressure started. I then opened her door just a crack, enough to be able to slide the tape player in, but no lights on in her room or the hallway.

I then pressed play.

She had nightmares for years.

She hates me telling people this story, but she’s 19 and is still scared of David Bowie to the extent that she will cry if she sees him on tele.

This is all wrong on so many levels! You know, come to think of it, David Bowie made my sister pass out once. The security guard had to lift her over the barrier and revive her. I would have helped, but I would have been insane to leave front row standing room at a Bowie show! I had to hit a Brazillian girl to get us there in the first place. We never did figure out that whole episode. His voice must have the same frequency as Mary Hart’s.