All posts by Licketysplit

The “financial consultant” is dead to me

Uncategorized, ,

Or he will be, if I ever see him again. He just called and tried to weasel himself a visit to stop by and take life insurance applications. I asked if he could give us a quote, and who the company would be, and he wouldn’t tell me. I said that I couldn’t make an appointment without knowing these things, and he asked why. I said “We aren’t sure we want to use your services at all.” Suddenly, he had quotes for me. “Was that so hard,” I asked?

When he asked to speak to my husband instead, the top of my head came off. My brain rocketed out of my skull, like the crust of Mount Vesuvius. I woke up on the kitchen floor, drooling, brains impastoed on the front of the stainless appliances. I clawed desperately for the phone to call 911, but he was still on the other end, trying to distract me by changing the subject to whether I enjoy nice weather. I heard a coffee drink order being screeched in the background. That can only mean that this fucker is one of those fuckers who works out of a Starbucks! Fucker.

I slammed down the phone and scooped up my brains as best I could. Then I went online and found the same policy he was trying to sell me for less. Was that so hard?

If you need me, I’ll be in the bell tower

Uncategorized, ,

I am trying to book a hotel room, and I’m really tempted to book the “Housewives on Hiatus” package just for the stupid name.

A better idea is probably to check into a monastery with a vow of silence until the baby arrives. Then I will have the baby out in the woods, like animal, away from everyone who annoys me. At this point, “everyone who annoys me” includes just about everyone but the cat. It’s no fault of everyone’s own. Science knows that weeks 31-40 of parasite hosting are when husbands become intolerable. They can’t help it, the dear little creatures! It’s the hormones acting on their delicate systems.

Despite being all Phantom of the Opera and hissing and scurrying into darkness, I still manage to show some restraint. When I think of all the people I did NOT kill over the past few days, I am truly amazed. The person at Starbucks who ordered a half-caf, half-syrup, skim caramel macchiato with one Equal. The financial consultant. This freak was referred to us by a relative (remind me to send a card). Freak assumed I was a housewife rather than asking the more reasonable “And what do you do for a living?” Oh, hey, do you see those many thousands of dollars of computer equipment in the office? That’s just so I can play The Sims when I take a hiatus from housewifing.

He directed all questions about investments and expenses to Mr. H. Mr. H knows about as much about where the bodies are buried as the cat. So I kept having to answer. The parasite sensed evil, and kicked the ever-loving crap out of me the whole time the guy was here. When he tried telling me about fund choices, I asked about ethical investing options. He looked at me like I was insane. I said “Well, for instance there are some companies we don’t patronize, so I can’t feel good about making money from them either.” He asked for an example, and I said Wal-Mart, I mean duh. He was shocked. “Wal-Mart? I never heard anything about them being bad.” I booted him out the door, but not before he left business cards containing both a Hotmail address and his “title” in “quotes.” If he’s not a “Wealth-Accumulation-Strategist,” then what is he? I have formulated several hypotheses, but the one that makes the most sense is “Not coming anywhere near my no money.”

Explanation of Benefits

Uncategorized, ,

Someone always wants my damn money. Apparently I had $192 of lab work done once. The insurance plan went from “Great, go to the doctor all you want, you beautiful hypochondriac” to “You have a $2,500 deductible.” I think the lab work was the “Is the baby a mutant?” test. Would I have gotten my money back if she were?

My Worst Elm order came today, and dang was that a production. They pack huge, cumbersome things in one box, even though that box contains pieces. But five curtain rods come in five separate boxes. Oh yeah. In the lobby, the UPS man got scared by a three-legged dog of my acquaintance. Who’s a pretty girl!! “Dogs hate the uniform,” he explained. Then we entertained the notion to heave the huge boxes through the window instead. We do not trifle with doors and walking long distances. We care not for hassle nor friendly dogs.

Now I have to go to the accountant to pay more money. Tomorrow a financial planner is coming over to tell us what to do with our no money. I hope he remembers to bring the glitter putty. I can’t financially plan without it. I am not making him any fucking coffee. He can walk over to Top Donut if he wants a coffee.

We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Uncategorized

Today in hydration: I drank a lot of water.

I am also procrastinating.

This intarweb jimcrack is probably old news that I somehow missed, but I’m really into Pandora right now. You choose a song or an artist, and the player cross-references the musical elements to other artists and serves up streaming content based on the findings of the Music Genome Project. You can rate things that are played for you, and it gets “smarter” with more ratings. So far I haven’t found anything brand new that I love, but it certainly churns up some good things I don’t regularly play. Not to mention things that languish in my unpacked boxes of non-ripped CDs. My Morrissey station is so mope-tastic!

More human every day

Uncategorized, ,

We have a table! No more hunkering on the couch with our gruel. Eat at table, like people. The table weighs several hundred pounds, and it arrived on the roof of a car because SOMEONE thought this would be easier then paying a paltry sum for delivery. I prefer to pay other people to do difficult things for me. Me hates hassle. I cooked SOMEONE and his father wheat pasta with many different kinds of chard to stave off the heart attacks they nearly sustained lugging that thing down the hall.

Today in teeth: I went to the dentist, and this has already been the most pleasant part of the day. I do enjoy Russian dentist. He hums, and I fall asleep. He told me the parasite would become very interesting around the age of 3. I said that sounds about right. Is there a farm I can send it to until then? Somewhere out in the country with lots of other parasites to play with.

Today in cats: Just because you didn’t like hummus the last 17,000 times you sniffed it doesn’t mean this time won’t be different. It’s called hope, or possibly Walnut Brain.

Cats can’t fax for crap

Uncategorized, ,

But they can eat the hell out of some tulips. Oh! Oh! They are up too high for you to reach? Why don’t you yell about it and look wistful?

It’s OK, cat, I can’t fax either, and I have thumbs. I put that shit in upside down yesterday. Ghost fax! Casper the friendly blank seven pages.

I shouldn’t be allowed around machinery at this stage of my endumbenment. I am losing a battle with the battery in this laptop.

The condo management continues to send illiterate emails. My favorite: “All owner’s whom wish to rent out their unit must get a 6D certificate.”

Now I’m working on my to-don’t list. There is dumb stuff on this list that I am supposed to do but will leave til the last minute. Do you have to buy cards for First Communions? I think so, but the bodega only has Quinceanera cards (now I know someone is going to be an asshole and leave a pithy comment about Quinceanera that is sure to include a proper n-yay. will it be you? yeah, you thought about it).

Mr. H has jury duty today, so I had to drive poor Dagwood to the butt-earliest train. Turns out the methadone clinic down the block is open much, much earlier than I thought! Did you get that I live in a bad neighborhood? There is a bell outside, and it’s ringing ringing ringing. I think “they” are testing an alarm. I get it. I’m alarmed.

And a good time was had by all

Uncategorized

We have floors! And baseboards, sickness like people! No more sod house for us, nurse Nelly Olson. You bitch. The contractor finished this morning, sale and he proclaimed that the entire job looks “the balls.” He left me with some noxious chemicals for cleaning, and I left him with an oversized novelty check. Then I determined that he wants a website, so I will get my grubby paws on some of that money again, mark my words. Give each other $20.

It’s not a crack house, it’s a crack home

Uncategorized, ,

Mr. H and I had a lovely weekend a few states away. Despite the supreme foolishness of bringing helpless life into the world and blowing out an entire wall of poorly wired outlets with a table saw, we still like each other. I trust this is because no one else will have us.

We sat and stared at boats swimming around being boats, and we realized that we are terrible, terrible people with mostly self-created problems. Ah, we already knew that. But it’s nice to sit and reflect, isn’t it? Then we went and had ice cream since I get dirty looks when I order whiskey. The people at Coldstone Creamery have to sing when they get a tip. That may be a worse problem than some of our stupid problems.

Eloise

Uncategorized, , ,

This week, we’re living in a hotel. I could get into that, what with the room cleaning itself and lackluster food just appearing by magic. I just wish it were a nicer hotel. Maybe the kind with $15 nuts in the mini bar. That would be great. Instead, we have a view of all the old bicycles and shopping carts in the partially drained canal that runs by the community college.

The cat is being traumatized at Casa de la Carpeted Kitchen, Mr. H’s ancestral abode. She tolerates the toddler who gets so excited that he wrings his hands and sighs “Kitty!” everytime he sees her. He’s pretty funny these days. He runs around with his arms bent and his fists clenched, kind of like Foghorn Leghorn. He has a real sense of purpose for someone with nothing to do.

Anyway, I think we can go home tomorrow if the fumes dissipate. That’s good since I’m all caught up on my USAToday. I learned that Wal-Mart is trying to lure upscale shoppers. Mkay. I would just love to buy my sushi from Wal-Mart. I really hope it’s made with dirt cheap Chilean salmon farmed in an environmentally predatory manner and processed by workers who don’t get bathroom breaks. But then again, when Wal-Mart thinks of a “well-heeled customer,” perhaps they are thinking of the person with the largest SUV. That person probably also enjoys shopping for fine jewelry from a case stocked by a polo-shirted worker with no health insurance. Not me, no sir. I prefer choosing my blood diamonds with the help of a man wearing a natty suit. It helps if he looks a bit like Hector Elizondo.

I hope the workmen did not eat all of my snacks, or the painkillers I’ve been saving. Remind me never to try to improve my surroundings again.