Category Archives: Uncategorized

Philippe for America

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Fallujah is in the midst of being bombed to smithereens, and Amputee America increases its membership. Recently, I had a chance to meet Achewood’s Philippe. Philippe’s spirited campaign for President mandated everybody not smoking and being happy. This is clearly no match for having less money and fewer limbs!

Inspired by this vision, Helen and I got together for an emergency summit. We compared bruises and prescriptions. We watched the surgery channel. For three hours. We know how to fix America- it should eat fewer Fritos! Sometimes it just seems like Helen and I should form our own island nation. We agree on so many things, like the basic hottness of Jude Law and the right of brown people to exist. In our country, there would be a Clam Sandwich for everyone. But this dream will have to wait, because we care about YOU. Even now we are gluing rhinestones to black armbands so you can let the postman know that you oppose crimes against humanity. Plus they will look really cool and we promise if you wear one you will get laid. A lot.

-xo

Stand and Deliver (in the rear)

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Vomitola staff would like to apologize for the little news blackout over the last few days. We found ourselves on a most compelling ether jag, but then we realized it was all apparently real. Unfortunately, this isn’t like the time we woke up covered in half-melted Gummi Worms with packing tape wrapped around all the light sources in the house.* It’s far, far worse.

To catch our readers up, the Adam and the Ants party, while not victorious on Tuesday, did stage a coup wherein the Morrisseys were banished to Canada. The final straw apparently came when the Morrisseys enlisted their would-be Secretary of State, Nick Cave, to change America’s national anthem to “The Weeping Song.” Adam himself issued a statement calling the Morrisseys “a bunch of bloody wankers.”

The Adam and the Ants faction has stolidly opted for fight rather than flight, and their members are increasing national visibility by wearing black stripes under one eye and rhinestone-encrusted black armbands.**

We at Vomitola would like to extend our solemn pledge to continue being absolutely ridiculous even in the face of these trying times. Sure, we’ve shined up our ACLU cards and resigned ourselves to another few years of MoveOn emails, but we remain committed to living out our elaborate fantasy lives starring musty pop stars, enjoying all the sodomy we can handle, and being astonished by obesity. What good is living in a blue state if we can’t do that?

Yours,

the queens of the wild frontier

*true story

**soon to be available for purchase right here at Vomitola.com

Ouija Board, Ouija Board

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Morrissey calls election for Jon Stewart.

The staff apologizes for the recent lack of updates, but we were crumpled in a drunken heap on the floor. Some call it a black out, we call it a power nap. Now we’re tanned, rested, and ready. Hello Cleveland!

The rest of the Morrisseys are temporarily at bay, stymied by a broomstick through the door handles. We are like to crawl under the bed, such are our nerves frayed by the existence of the entire middle and south of the country. Sure, they have a right to exist, but we have a right to be utterly boggled.

Afraid of Americans?

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Things are getting pretty crazy here at Morrissey headquarters. The Morrisseys are uniformly UNINTERESTED IN BUSH. Go figure. Adam and the Ants were eventually driven back by handfuls of confetti and a rousing rendition of “Reel Around the Fountain”. We were then favored by a visit from

PANTS!

Mr. Bowie feels that we need more feminine sophistication in this election, and offered to preside. It’s a walk-off, everybody!

The Things That Dreams Are Made Of

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Licketysplit here, reporting that The Adam and the Ants Party was not pacified by Dick Cheney wrapping a neck tie around his forehead on CNN, although it was a valiant effort. After they all got through waiting in line to vote, they opted to sit and have lunch.

I conducted an exit poll with the Human League, and, unsurprisingly, they are staunchly backing asymmetrical haircuts.

The Kerry camp responded in kind:

I did not get a sticker when I voted, so I am relying on going topless to get my point across.

Morrissey the Vote!

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Morrissey has spoken of his fear and loathing of Bush and the Regime of Darkness. So I decided to join the Morrissey Camp for Election Day. And that’s “camp” with a capital “C”! Their party banner “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore”, seems to refer to a desire to ban war, meat consumption, and tedious people at parties! The Morrisseys are casting their votes for Kerry en masse, and advocating the return of lillies and dramatic dancing.

We were just enjoying a round of Earl Grey, when news broke of a rival faction! Moz headquarters are currently being protested by The Adam and the Ants Party.

They are crying out for the nation to “Stand and Deliver!” And while they, too, support Kerry, unlike the Morrisseys they favor extravagant neckwear and sexuality. Vote your conscience!

Back to you in the trenches!

Get Out the Vomitola: 2004

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Well, I voted at 7 a.m. with all the old people. A nice little old lady checked my name off the list, but not without a fight. “Oh, are you Cheryl?” Cheryl is my upstairs neighbor. I peeked at the sheet, and Cheryl was registered as a Republican. “No, Cheryl will still be in bed. She drinks, you know. I wonder if she’ll try to vote drunk. You should really stop her.”

Lambchop winged her way to New York City to court the Morrissey vote and the multiple personality vote with Violet Shuraka and our own Manuel on the Street. I went to New Hampshire to heckle people holding Bush signs. Later I may Photoshop myself holding a newspaper that announces that John Kerry has won the election.

Watch this space all day today, as we’ll be bringing you live coverage as our drinking schedule permits. I’m on my way up to Cheryl’s now.

In the meantime, check out Project Vote Smart to find out about other candidates and ballot measures in your area. If you’re in Massachusetts, find your voting location.

November spawned a monster

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I had been saving that subject line in case Bush won next week, but after my little whoopsie-daisy in the time machine the other day, I am pretty convinced he will not. I was just telling my sister the Moose that I should have taken a picture of myself holding next week’s newspaper, but since I correctly reported the ever-baffling Red Sox winning the Superbowl or whatever that was before they actually did it, I should be all set in the proof department. Besides, taking pictures of oneself out at arm’s length is a little Sweet Valley High or something. High you say. The hell.

Someone reminded me that Halloween is coming up, and I don’t have a costume. I thought of the scariest thing I could, and it looked like Copperplate Gothic and Comic Sans in a grotesque threesome with Arial, spelling out “Support Our Troops” on one of those inscrutable magnetic ribbons. All the churches and high schools up this way changed their moveable letter boards to read “Go Sox” instead of “Support Our Troops,” so I guess we have a reprieve from supporting. Curt Schilling, poster boy for “resolve,” wants you to vote Bush. Go back to your red state, sirrah. Let the heavens continue to smile on Massachusetts, and stop trifling, people.

I suppose I should be Bitter for Halloween.

I wrote this yesterday morning and never got around to posting, and it scarcely feels relevant, but then again, what ever is.