Fallujah is in the midst of being bombed to smithereens, and Amputee America increases its membership. Recently, I had a chance to meet Achewood’s Philippe. Philippe’s spirited campaign for President mandated everybody not smoking and being happy. This is clearly no match for having less money and fewer limbs!

Inspired by this vision, Helen and I got together for an emergency summit. We compared bruises and prescriptions. We watched the surgery channel. For three hours. We know how to fix America- it should eat fewer Fritos! Sometimes it just seems like Helen and I should form our own island nation. We agree on so many things, like the basic hottness of Jude Law and the right of brown people to exist. In our country, there would be a Clam Sandwich for everyone. But this dream will have to wait, because we care about YOU. Even now we are gluing rhinestones to black armbands so you can let the postman know that you oppose crimes against humanity. Plus they will look really cool and we promise if you wear one you will get laid. A lot.

-xo