On preferences

Someone is a Big Girl all of a sudden. No, not me. I remain incompetent. Two nights ago, we thought we would add a second book to bedtime since we got a few for Festivus. A ybab pitched an unholy fit, so we stopped and went for trusty Goodnight Moon. She shrieked and squealed and was riveted as usual. Goodnight mush! No, I really mean it. You have a great night, mush. Who leaves mush out on a bedside table? That sounds like a recipe for botulism.

The next night, we explained that we'd still be reading Goodnight Moon after the new book. She grudgingly tolerated What Shall We Do With the Boo-Hoo Baby (Pickle her! String her up! It's really hard not to editorialize.), but she also lolled back until she was totally upside down with her foot in her mouth. Then Mr. H picked up the other book and started to read the title. She popped straight up instantly and screeched with glee. I guess we have at least another 750 readings of Goodnight Moon left, each. I've tried sneaking in made up verses, and this also doesn't fly. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't one ridiculously showy identical rhyme. When we're really vamping at the end, sometimes we read the ISBN and Canadian price.

Posted 10:25 AM by Licketysplit

The finest drops

At first, having a ybab is sort of like being a recovering alcoholic. There's a lot of counting days involved. Then weeks. I realized I've stopped counting days and started counting in months. This is Good News. A ybab is 196 days old tomorrow. I figured that out, just now, with my pocket calculator.

I've been trying to work on some terms of emotional surrender on a variety of issues, and I'm still not there yet. My new rules for 2007 are simple: No Being a Shit. And instead of curbing my occasional irrational rage responses, I've decided that others need to simply be better and faster at any interaction that must involve me. Why, did I ever tell you about the time that Mr. H's former employer mistakenly cancelled our health insurance prematurely and forgot to fund our FSA? That time would be yesterday, when I found out. Outsourcing is working very well in that they don't have voicemail in those offices, so I can't call up and scream at them for the length of time that voicemail records. Their loss!!!!!

The rest of you are On Notice. No Being a Shit.

Posted 9:19 PM by Licketysplit

Am I 52% dumber than last year?

I was all worried about that, but then I realized there was a stray USA Today left under my kitchen table by a guest. Once I properly disposed of it, I could do long division again.

The "holidays" bring us new findings, such as the report that I should be feeding a ybab sorbet because she watches people eating. Well, fine. She watches many things, but let's go with this one. We'll work up to any courses at all and then worry about palate cleansing. Did I ever tell you of the time I ate smoked lobster foam sorbet with a pickled fiddlehead fern garnish? Perhaps I was inebriated. Dr. Sears wrote to me personally to let me know this is absolutely a good first food for a ybab. She's knocking back a Trou Normand right now. Bless her little tract!

Posted 6:40 PM by Licketysplit

Helllloooo? Where are my chocolate-covered carbon offset credits? Don't you love me?

It's almost "Christmas," which we somehow celebrate even though we are not religious except for Festivus. On Christmas eve, we gather with the relations of Mr. H, and we exchange one gift per person under $25 based on names drawn out of a hat. There is frequently food I can't eat, such as a platter of meat injected with hormones and dairy byproducts. At midnight, the animals talk. They say "Liiiiiiisa, why are you eaaaaating meeee?"

Our own nuclear family traditions include not buying each other anything. We buy things for other people, sometimes. But not predictably. Just enough to introduce stress for the other party as to whether or not they need to buy something for us next year. I love it!

And we generally buy whatever it occurs to us to buy throughout the year. We are Hard to Shop For, I've been told. The other day, I bought a ybab a poncho since it is cold now, and she acts like sleeves were invented by government torture squads. The pointed hood makes her look like an adorable little KKK Grand Wizard. Why would we need anything else?

Maybe we should try other holidays, but if we can't even get it together for one gift under $25, I don't think I could handle eight nights of gifts. We should start doing Diwali instead. I like those almond sweeties. Christmas is just not festive enough, unless Uncle Heart Attack comes with a handle jug of Canadian Club. I can't wait for the airing of grievances, though.

Posted 7:36 PM by Licketysplit

What a damn thing to say

This meme is going around like something you catch at the bus station: post the first sentence of each entry for the past twelve months. I'm also posting the subject lines because I am nothing without a support act.

And away we go!

1. A day late and a dollar short: 2005 by the numbers
Number of separate calendar days where vomiting occurred: 4

2. Everything's OK in OKville
Goodbye January, goodbye Content Challenge, goodbye Supreme Court (It's the, stupid).

3. I'm into something good (leftover spaghetti)
Madge, I'm soaking in it.

4. More human every day
We have a table!

5. And in our hearts we fly. Standby.
It started with other people drinking before the sun was over the yardarm.

6. Can I get some unnecessary antibiotics with that condescension?
The other day I made the big, huge, giant mistake of calling my parents to let them know we moved back into our house after a soggy two-week vacation in crapsville.

7. No sleep til Brooklyn
It's amazing how somone under 7 pounds can make two adults with a combined 61 years of life experience feel totally incompetent at times.

8. Hey, wanna buy a monkey?
No? How about a baby?

9. Fiesta de Septiembre
Today is the third anniversary of my legal ensnarement of Mr. H

10. Condo meeting attended; area jerk spotted
Mr. H went to the meeting while I stayed home to ply a baby with strong drink, and when he returned, I asked after the lady who picks fights on the email list and then declares that the list is not a good forum for discussion when people disagree with her.

11. This year, I am thankful that Pharrell gave us something to bump to
Pharrell is like the Great Pumpkin, I think.

12. The continuing perils of instant gratification
Now there comes a time when one finds a leaflet for a new Chinese restaurant in one's lobby, and one decides to carpe some diem and take a chance on life.


And in other news, this morning a ybab and I watched a three-legged dog poop on the lawn. It's beginning to look a lot like Thursday.

Posted 10:43 AM by Licketysplit

A holiday scourge

Sorry it's been so quiet around here. You'd think we'd gone and had a baby or something. But no, we're recovering from colds and filing our hate mail related to our holiday card. A sample "deluted the tradition's of Christ!!!! [sic, all of it]" SRSLY, you are no one until you are hated! I could do a dance. We were just being inclusive!

A ybab says "hi" and "da," although in no particular context. The cat always gets a "hi," although she could just be agreeing in Japanese.

All those year-end review shows on VH1 are catching me up on all the culture I blissfully missed. Fergie: what a scourge! London London London bridge. Can we deport her? She can move in to Madonna's castle and grow an accent.

Mr. H owes me a guest blog on Fergie and Rachel Ray. He's tentatively calling it "Hot? Or ugly chicks with haircuts?"

Posted 12:10 PM by Licketysplit

Holiday card theatre

I am shamed beyond belief because there is a tracking error in the inner message in our holiday card. It jumps out at me like a thumb in the eye, and I quake to think of others noticing. But what the hell do you expect when the card was designed in an online software system in two minutes? If you want quality, do it your damn self! At least we spelled everything right, including the word "adequate."

We receive a card each year that is always remarkable in its liberal massaging of the English language. This year's installment, a positively uncomfortable Thai massage, reads:

Happy holiday's from our house to your's!!!!
Happy new year!!!!
Love [Name],[Name], [Kreatif Spelling Childname 1],[Kreatif Spelling Childname 2] [Kreatif Spelling Childname 3]....


The ellipsis at the end is so ominous, as if there may be an additional child lurking. The pictured children are all at or near the North Pole, judging by the sign post covered with plastic snow. Yet they aren't really dressed for the weather. Puzzling!

And now for our own important message from a ybab.

Posted 8:07 PM by Licketysplit

This giant fungus is telling me to KILL

My mom is in town for three days. Already she has achieved a new hot single for the greatest hits by releasing my ybab from the carseat while the car was moving. I guess something something never had something and turned out fine? I don't know. I couldn't even quite get to the bottom of it. Instead, I took the high road and screamed and kicked the side of the car. Yes, that high road. You know, under the sea! Hey, that cheerful crab is offering me a turn with the hookah. BBL!

Posted 6:09 PM by Licketysplit

May I interest you in the devil's liquid?

I tried some kombucha the other day (this link might prove illuminating), and it was as disgusting as I had hoped. And by disgusting, I mean I totally hate it, yet I can't stop drinking it. It is like a vile tincture of feline urine infused with vinegar and carbonated. But I want to marry it and have its little spores. That's no fungus, he's my lichen!

I'm going to make my own because my sister is going to give me some of her culture. Or if her poor alien is not up to it, I found a place where internet wackaloons will send me one for only the cost of shipping. I'll have Zellweger tend a 5-gallon tub of it 'round the clock! Then I can stop giving these people all my lunch money. You know something's good when the FAQ includes the question "So what are those little floaties, anyway?"

Also, I see that neither Biscuit is online right now, which means hell is freezing over, or their ybab has finally decided to outsource itself. To make sure, I am going to call their house and ask annoying questions.

Posted 9:24 PM by Licketysplit

Ethical problems continue apace

Paris Hilton did not appear to me in a dream, but I see that Nicole Richie was just popped for a DUI.

Now for more in me, me, me!

I am pondering an issue with my ethicist. It seems my diamonds are most likely made of little African children. No, really, I looked it up. It doesn't look good in the origin department. I haven't been wearing them for months and months anyway. I was thinking of selling them to be rid of them, but then that seems like profiting again from someone else's misfortune, although I could donate the money to some theoretically worthy cause. On the other hand, reselling potentially keeps newer ones from being purchased. Yet it continues to validate cultural demand. And then that damn movie that's coming out is just making me trendy, and I hate that! And just about anything we purchase manages to despoil the earth, unless we're David, so I'd have to replace all my jewelry with recycled gum wrappers. What to do?

And how will people know not to say "Hey mami, bless you for that ass!" to me when I'm out and about, unfettered by conventional matrimonial signals? Oh, right, it doesn't matter. They'll say it anyway. Ethically, I am OK with that, because I work hard for my ass.

Posted 5:28 PM by Licketysplit

Apocalypse: soon

I am feeling so left out of the recent Bimbo Summit! Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was back in highschool with Lindsay Lohan. I bought her beer with my fake ID, and that's how all the trouble started. I woke up knowing the subsequent downward spiral of la Lohan was all my fault. "Be adequite" indeed!

Then last night I woke up in a panic after a dream that I was hanging out with Britney Spears in Vegas. In the dream, she informed me that Kevin wanted to get back together, and she considered it because it was nearly their "Humpin' anniversary." This stuff writes itself, and the end must be nigh. If I dream about Paris Hilton tonight, start burying gold in the yard and set up a home water distillery.

Up Next: More on My Problems! For starters, I miss flying first class with live minks nestled around my feet for warmth. Did I mention those minks sipped Perrier?

Posted 12:17 PM by Licketysplit

Insert Peter Murphy lyric

A ybab was a sad monster last night because Mr. H was gone on business. I can only assume his business involved Scotch. If I find out it involved a trip to Scores, I will say "You better expense that!" I am such a nagging wife.

After I put a ybab to bed for the third time, I read some more about the Kims. I'm sure you've seen the story. SFGate.com has all the heartbreak I can handle. I feel like I'm over-identifying due to the shared demographic. Their family photos look similar to ours. I have the sunglasses the wife is wearing in one of the "Happier Times" series. The aerial shot of their stranded car is our car, right down to the color. See, only the unlucky buy Saabarus, as we've proven time and time again this past year. And secretly, I just don't care always when people in the midwest fall under combines. So I have the guilt of selective tragedy appreciation via consumerism to add to the heap.

A ybab is about to reach six months of dubious sleeping, one month younger than the Kims' youngest girl. I can't imagine juggling a ybab in the freezing cold in the car, running out of diapers, and wondering when one's husband will return. Well, OK, I can imagine it. I get brief visceral flashes, and I'm sure they are no where near as bad as the real thing. I can't get this feeling dislodged. I wondered what we'd do in that situation. I wished Mr. H were home for couch snuggles and Wine Block. The cat did that thing where she walked around the house looking for everyone, and she wasn't happy because she couldn't find him. She sat on my feet expectantly, as if I could produce him. It was one of those nights where you need to know where your people are.

Posted 1:20 PM by Licketysplit

My small life continues!

Today I took Potassium Challenge. To do this, put three bananas in a blender. Dump in almond milk and enough cocoa powder to turn things brown. You can add almond butter if you are feeling totally insane. If you are only feeling moderately insane, add peanut butter. Mmmm, allergenic. I like to serve in a glass chilled in the freezer. Instant pretendo vegan ice cream!

A ybab's dental trauma continues. She's decided not to stop with just a tooth. She's growing a tusk. Like a narwhal or something.

I made a list of people who are fated to receive our holiday card. How do we know 100 people? I don't want to know 100 people. I do not want to address 100 envelopes, that's for damn sure.

Posted 9:33 PM by Licketysplit

S.O.S.

A ybab recently decided to install teeth in her mouth. This feat of dental rennovation is apparently painful and time-consuming, the kind of thing you should really consider offshoring. One tooth is now "in," which means she looks like a hillbilly who broke one off in a bar fight. She is flailing on the floor now, thanks to the sweet, sweet relief of Tylenol. I'm sure the hippies will come revoke my hippie license, but we already tried homeopathic tablets and "gum-o-mile" oil, which only seems to enrage her. I'll leave the lights off all to day, recycle something, and apply for a liver damage offset credit.

And see here, the problem is that I was supposed to go to the mall and get some clothes for Mr. "I have nothing to wear" H, as he was too overcome by the vapors to do this while he was AT THE MALL YESTERDAY. His real excuse must have been that he ran short of time BUYING ME A FABULOUS PRESENT I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT YET. Taking a screaming ybab is clearly easier than standing in line! Actually, I bet if I did take a screaming ybab, I'd be quickly helped. But the thing is that I don't want to go at all. Zellweger is in a pout because I asked her to fold laundry, and she's locked herself in the bathroom. So I'm going to apply for a helper monkey.

What? You say having a ybab is my own damn fault? Perhaps, but I bet people who drunkenly dive into shallow water and break their necks are not denied helper monkeys. Why, now is the time to apprise you that I once knew a person who knocked out all his teeth doing just that. He had a new set put in. Maybe a ybab should just look into that.

Posted 11:47 AM by Licketysplit

The continuing perils of instant gratification

Now there comes a time when one finds a leaflet for a new Chinese restaurant in one's lobby, and one decides to carpe some diem and take a chance on life. One is too lazy to cook celebrating Mr. H's last day at his old job. One places a call and ends up performing a slow-paced dramatic monologue of one's address. Let's try that again.... THIRTY five Riverwalk... no...Thirty FIVE Riverwalk...no.... R-I-V-E-R....R as in rangoon, I as in island, V as in vermicelli, E as in eggroll, R as in rangoon again.

One does not hold high hopes for delivery of this meal. One gets a return call from the restaurant in five minutes. One recites one's credit card number for the thirteenth time.

The food arrives, much to one's surprise. It is delicious! One notices that the ginger ale Mr. H requested is not in the bag. One calls the restaurant just to let them know. The restaurant representative has a seizure. Honor has been insulted. The driver will be dispatched at once. No, really, you can refund the card, or take it off the bill the next time we order, or just forget about it, we mean no disrespect!

The ginger ale arrives hours later. The arrival of the ginger ale wakes up a ybab. Justice is served on multiple levels. Why did Mr. H fiddle with the universe by ordering a ginger ale?

Posted 7:52 PM by Licketysplit