Dreaded bliss

The other day I was reminded that it's nigh on to time for my annual wedding. Those of you who've followed this site for a while may remember that I spent last summer adrift on my personal Raft of the Medusa, agonizing over napkin folds and ankle fat. And let's not forget being tormented by relatives I haven't seen in years and relatives I see all the time.

We attended a wedding on Saturday that was admittedly inspired by our wedding style (debauched, scroll down til it gets blurry), which was very flattering. Except they got a prop DJ, really, the Carrot Top of DJs. As we hid under the table during "Who Let the Dogs Out," Mr. H and I realized that our greatest regret is not making our favor tins filled with candy wrapped to look like nuts read "Nuts 4 Each Otha." Well, that and spending our wedding night vomiting, but it's not like we hadn't sampled the goods before.

So we're doing it all again this year! I am on the fence between a Studio 54 theme and a country barbecue. Pros of the first idea: wearing a white pant suit a la Bianca Jagger, lots of drugs. Pros of the second idea: barbecue and Johnny Cash. Maybe we should just do both, on consecutive days. Or I can finally marry Lambchop, now that Massachusetts has come around on this subject. Every now and then when I'm frothing and flailing about starting UglyBoston.com or the window of this one dress shop downtown, Mr. H will sigh and say "yeah, you probably should have married Heather." He's so right.

-xxoo

Posted 12:27 PM by Licketysplit

Toutes les parties de demain



Les abats des efforts échoués me déplacent à la nausée. Je tremble de peur que vous commenciez à exécuter.

(The offal of failed endeavors moves me to nausea. I tremble lest you begin performing.)

Posted 9:23 AM by Lambchop

le maelstrom



Je domine l'univers, divin et terrible, enthousiaste et faible.

(I bestride the universe, godlike and terrible, ecstatic and weak.)

Posted 3:37 PM by Licketysplit

technical difficulty

Some recent search terms:

paula abdul's bruises
putains
monkey face
bad taste photo olan mills
cher's dog
green tea anal leakage
gumjobs
married horse
sexy horse
horse sexy
horse monster
horse botox
heather morgan painting
cowgirl
pictures of spider bites
evil phones
i wish i had an evil twin lyrics

There you have it. A hearty nod to the soul searching for the "I Wish I Had an Evil Twin" lyrics. Lambchop and I have selected this as "Our Song." It keeps the perverts away! We had a lovely time seeing Mr. Merritt live the other night, although we had to tune out a slew of ironic t-shirts and thick glasses. I even spotted an indie rock pedant of Christmas past!

I am taking the bold step of moving hosting in the next few days, so please excuse any dead air. Funny, I do this kind of thing for clients without screwing up, but since I'm not paying me, I can only assume I'll be somewhat careless. We'll be back as soon as we can, bringing you more gumjobs, man batter, and leaky horse sex with Cher and Paula Abdul.

-xxoo

Posted 10:56 PM by Licketysplit

Here comes the hamster bride



This is the Vomitola wedding gift to the Gummi and her lady. Congratulations! Too bad I had to totally photoshop this cake topper. Maybe I should start mass producing them, there is sure to be a demand now that people see the possibilities of cakes bedecked with lesbian rodents.

Had I had more time, I could have sent one of these. The rest of you should step on it and add this to your registries right now. Please note that there is also a hamster wearing a chicken suit. They also feature little movies of many of these critters in action. So far I like La Cucaracha, but this is subject to change.

-xxoo

Posted 9:26 AM by Licketysplit

Love Springs Eternal

I may be lousy at romance, I may not be able to keep a hamster alive, but my pal Clammy sticks by me. It's because She's always right, and I am infinitely quotable!! So during that horribly pedestrian performance of The Furtive Masturbator, I stood up, and read this to my best friend:

I wish i had an evil twin/ Running Around doing people in
I wish i had a very bad / And evil twin to do my will
To cull and conquer, cut and kill/ Just like I would if I weren't good
And if I knew where to begin
Down and down he'd go/ How low no one would know
Sometimes the good life wears thin
I wish i had an evil twin
My evil twin would lie and steal/ And he would stink of sex appeal
All men would writhe /Beneath his scythe
He'd send the pretty ones to me/ And they would think that I was he
I'd hurt them and I'd go scot free/ I'd get no blame and feel no shame
Cause evil's not my cup of tea
Down and down he'd go/ How low, i would not need to know
All my life there should have been
An evil twin.

Who knew that Stephen Merritt's work is such a Bonerkiller?

-xo

Posted 12:30 PM by Lambchop

The wonderous carnival going on in my head

Sometimes, when I'm doing something really tedious and important, I like to stop and wonder why there is no pornographic film titled Hedda Gobbler. Then, I might google and find this Hedda. Be sure to click on the picture. It's work safe, but conceptually ill-advised. Up there with "Oven Mitt," the Arby's mascot.

Posted 6:41 PM by Licketysplit

The hopeless romantic

Friday night's Boston Common "theater in the park" production of The Furtive Masturbator brought new meaning to the term "ham fisted." The audience barely noticed as the protagonist, played by a previously unknown Latin actor, entered from stage right. The audience went so far as to continue conversation loudly even after the performance began, but this is understandable owing to the abysmal lighting conditions which failed to illuminate the action.

The acting was clumsy at best, the actor beset by a lumbering physicality that somehow managed to remain wooden. The costuming can only be described as bland and unappealing, shades of beige doing little to flatter the complexion. The audience failed to engage with the subject matter in the least, prefering to natter away incessantly. The actor responded with increasingly breathy vocalizations which demonstrated his total lack of skill in projection, becoming plaintive and insistent.

Finally, completely frustrated by the audience's utter disregard for his craft, the actor left his position and stormed off into the wings. Audience members examined their fingernails and applied more lip gloss.

***
That's right folks, when Lambchop and I clear a room, we really clear a room. First we dispatched tourists trying to read the giant monument where we were perched with a snarling "what are you looking at?" Then it turned out that even a needy pervert is no match for our withering self-involvement. Of course we do owe a debt to Stephen Merritt for writing the lyrics that Lambchop loudly recited to ruin our intrepid friend's special moment.

On the way home, a woman projectile vomited on the train. Attempted auto-bukkake and actual vomitola all in one night? The universe arranges itself expressly for my amusement!

-xxoo

Posted 1:06 PM by Licketysplit

We've got a million reasons



Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between

Tonight Lambchop and I are going to loiter around the Dog Field. That's the part of Boston Common along Beacon Street where people take their dogs to exercise as they hit on each other. It's usually muddy and somewhat filled with feces. That sounded like a Nick Cave song to us, so we wrote "Down in the Dog Field."

dark dogs blood rising
another tattered strumpet walks alone
i see the crooked right hand of god
O mother i'm close to home

SO GOOD.

Our tradition is to get pan-fried noodles and grape sodas from the Chinatown Eatery and perch atop the hill, surveying the romping hounds. Sometimes people approach us and ask to buy drugs, so I like to keep a bottle of Tylenol handy to make some quick cash.

Then we're going to see Bend Over, Baltimore!.

-xxoo

Posted 3:24 PM by Licketysplit

The bile, how she do rise


Say "I love you" often

You know, I had originally written something about Pizza Night and how totally great it is, but upon subtle reflection, Pizza Night is no People Being Beheaded on TV. When Rednecks Explode on FOX is close.

I am making my contribution to John Kerry's campaign right now. It's only fitting I kick an entire unemployment check his way.

-xxoo

Posted 12:08 PM by Licketysplit

Smashy Go Lucky



Share with Friends

I am fond of pointing out the beauties that I encounter in my daily bicycle ride to work. Birds nesting on tree-lined Comm. Ave., pretty girls in summery skirts, a tiny man pouring a bucket of greasy entrails into a gutter in chinatown, with a brown handrolled cigarette dangling wetly from his lips. It's poetry! Today because of the warmth, all kinds of people are out and about town! i saw a prostitute staggering down the street wearing only a denim jacket and a large pair of underpants. She was lurching sideways, leaning heavily on some bloke, waving a smoke and grinning blearily as if life could furnish nothing greater.

It can't!

Then I get to work and I am treated to overheard principals of office chippie dating. Hey fellas, if you are single, here is what women apparently want:
"...a man who can take me to a Mozart concert and still shake his butt around at 50 cent."

There you have it!

PS I will be in the STUDIO tonight. Hurrah!

-xo

Posted 12:32 PM by Lambchop

Inspiration Pointless


Meet new people, even if they look different to you

I went to the mall the other day. It seems public shopping arenas become crowded in proximity to forced calendar holidays. I asked the saleswoman in Bath & Bodyworks for gift suggestions. "I guess I'm after something that says 'Now that you're fat!'" No, I'm just being outrageously mean for no reason. It's helping me get over a tough headache. I actually said "I need something for a new mom who doesn't have a lot of free time." Apparently, new mothers need spa slippers. And they need to exfoliate. But then, who doesn't need to do that? What a freaking brainwave. I was informed that the mom in question would like sleep and liposuction, but would settle for a #1 Mom pendant and a card that reads "Your a great mom!" Sigh.

Also, I am trying to determine if selling ad space on a controversial website is a viable business model. Surely NowThatYoureFat.com would get me flogged on The Today Show eventually, even though it's clearly satire. What does a truly evil organization, like the Klan, do for an online revenue channel? Oh my stars, they have a gift shop! I'm not linking to it, as that's too horrible even for me, but I am sure you can figure it out. Hmm, is there a market for Vomitola sorority sweaters? Eta Pi Vomitola!

-xxoo

Posted 5:42 PM by Licketysplit

Drinky Song



Smashy da co-co-nut, hit it with a Mallett!
Crack it open and suck out da JOOOCE!
Lick the milk up you dirty little monkey,
wipe it off your chin, don't be so OBTOOOOOSE!

Ok, ok, so I had some drinks the other night. Ok, i dove into a Scorpion Bowl. Nobody's perfect. Luckily, it's all part of the Liquid Diet. Nothing but soup broth and gin and tonics, at regular intervals. So tonight we turn up the swedish pop music and pour out the Ancient Situation and its all To Your Health!

-xo

Posted 4:45 PM by Lambchop

Rip her to shreds



Our verdict on Mean Girls: not mean enough! Oh sure, people got hit by buses, this karmic comeuppance only second in cinematic favor to dropping a house on someone. But I think they could have done better. They just needed to consult with Lambchop and me, the petty revenge specialists! I suppose you'll all just have to wait for our screenplay. It's Metamorphosis meets Heavyweights. Now we just need to round up Christina Ricci, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Steve Buscemi.

Oh, and how do I know from mean? The premise that Lindsay Lohan's character was homeschooled all her life is a disturbing parallel to my own academic career. Except my parents weren't farting around in Africa doing important research, they were living in a trailer in rural Virginia, cultivating conspiracy theories. If I'd had photographs of myself with elephants when I finally begged to enter "normal" school in seventh grade, I might have at least been perceived as exotic. My inner barometer that measures levels of crazy told me that I had to take the plunge into the real world eventually unless I wanted to end up like my parents, but I still wasn't prepared for the shock.

The scene where Lohan enters the cafeteria for the first time and has no idea where to sit amidst the different cliques is just like my first day of school. My school was a small private school, and everyone had known each other since kindergarten and long ago established the pecking order. We ate at desks in our homerooms, and people would push desks together to create a table for four. I retrieved my unfashionable insulated lunch sack (everyone else had paper bags!) from my locker and scanned the room. I was immediately invited to join a group of three seemingly nice enough girls, but my instincts told me these were the losers, losers usually being the most welcoming. Still, the girls with name brand jeans did not extend an overture, so I sat down with the poodle headed girl and company. I tried to make the best of it, but I knew I was sunk. In the end I didn't become good friends with them either, as there were obvious reasons for why they were undesirable.

I floated through the next two years, not particularly liking anyone. My best friend was the one black girl in the school, who pointed out that usually people call each other on the phone after school to gossip and make plans to do things on the weekends. The mind boggled!

In the course of those two years, students and faculty went out of their way to ensure I'd remain on the fringes. I was singled out for not being able to serve a volleyball or do a pull up, and my top grades in English classes would be routinely announced by the teacher. I was moved from the slower math section to the algebra section, arousing still more ire. And some helpful compatriot forged and planted a note in my desk, retrieved it, and publicly read a grammatically incorrect paean of young lust towards a popular dimwit. As an aside, this generically handsome young dimwit would go on to lose all his teeth in a diving accident in highschool.

When teasing me for a non-existent crush got old, people delighted in pairing me off with the obvious latent homosexual boy. Another time, someone who would go on to be left back a year grunted in frustration when tests were handed back, saying "the only reason you get such good grades is because you're so fucking ugly you never do anything but study!" While not true, these are things that stick. One sighs, one plots untimely deaths. That kid also eventually moved to Wyoming. Good riddance!

And so meanness begets meanness. By high school, it hit me that I didn't have to take anyone's crap. Had I been as hot as Lindsay Lohan, I might have had smoother entry into school. Instead I realized that it was no wonder they wanted to pick on me, I must have looked like Dawn Wiener! I set out on an aggressive campaign of dressing myself more fashionably and applying makeup. It was pure triage: my own mother never applied makeup, save for the occasional half-hearted swipe of frosted pink lipstick. She had allowed me to go off to school with a pony tail on top of my head and a deflated attempt at the then-popular poufy bangs. She saw no problem with shopping at Sears and JC Penney instead of The Gap. Also, as a former nerd, her idea of the way to popularity was "get good grades, and join clubs!" Yes, join a club. Like the debate team. Can you tell I still harbor vast resentment for lack of proper fashion and social knowledge transfer? I finally received a Vogue subscription when I was 14, after much agitation. Screw those off-brand white tennis shoes! I also started exploring my skill with creative tongue lashings, frequently practicing on family.

So that was high school. I wouldn't say I was popular, but I finally had a group of friends that I liked and the others were afraid to mess with me. And that's all that matters. The controlled baring of the teeth is a skill for life. So is telling people off so creatively that a crowd gathers and cheers. Or maybe that just makes me a bad person, but well, fuck you. Turn back time and go through it all for me.

In short, if you're going to homeschool your kids, make sure you either do it all their lives, or make sure they have plenty of outlets for meeting people their own age. And make sure they are hot. I'm just kidding, but I'm sure it helps. As does not dressing them funny.

Kids can be vicious little bastards, but after diving into a tank of full grown sharks, I'd rather gently cut my teeth along with them if I had it to do over again. Sure, school work came easily, which is one thing frequently said in the defense of homeschooling. I was definitely more advanced in terms of reading skills and analyzing situations in an academic context, but in a social context, I was clueless. I spent hours bored as others struggled to grasp painfully simple concepts, but the tables were turned the second the bell rang and people began chatting and laughing. Things equalized by college, but by then I had plenty of mean under my belt and a carapace of ennui.

If I'd started school at the age of five, would things have been easier or harder? Would I have had a childhood full of birthday party attendance and afterschool playdates? Would I have been the one teasing the new kid in seventh grade? Or would they have sensed weakness from the very beginning, and circled like vultures? I know the answer is that my childhood probably wouldn't have been any more normal, because my parents are simply not normal. They did not hold socialization in high regard, assuming that since my sister and I got along with other adults, by natural extension we'd do just fine with others our age. How soon we forget what it's like to meet the mean girls.

Posted 4:12 PM by Licketysplit

Never Say Die-t!

Clammy is off fighting the good fight at the gym. So I am taking this time to send some inspirational thoughts her way, like so many doves. Soon you will be lithe and muscular, nibbling at your Rucola and sniffing derisively at the spare-tire pushup pant wearing teens as they run for the Mister Softee truck, wheezing through their blow holes. To help you on your way, there are several new diets you might try. I am on all of them!

South Reach Diet

If you are prevented by your expanse from grooming anything "south of the equator," there are handy recipes for rock soup (it's a concentration of taste!) combined with nightly stretching. The Don't List is headed by cheese fries and Pop-Tarts.

Liquid Luxury

Did you know that water can contain CARBS?! Make sure you purchase a carb-free water and boil it down to its essential, mineral rich purity. This savory dish should be served hot in a glass bowl to avoid too much iron. Moisten a face cloth to suckle whenever you crave a Snack! Remember, moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty.

My personal favorite diet acknowledges the fact that Eating represents total failure of will power. The truly dedicated will abstain from ingestion of evil calories:

Negative Thought Weight

Studies show that thinking about food does not provide any undesirable thought weight. So break out the lasagna, the fritos, and the gorgonzola bacon baguettes- you can roll them across the conveyor belt in your mind at a sumptuous ZERO CALORIES!!

I am having cheese toast right this minute.

-xo

Posted 1:31 PM by Lambchop

Love Letter



My Dear Alcohol

We have been together for so long, you and I. When I was just a frail teen, you were there to soothe my broken heart. I made such a fool of myself over you. Because of you, I have vomited in potted palms, but you have also made me tender and affectionate, though usually inappropriately. You left me weeping in the store-room at McDonalds, with the Cars ?Drive? playing in the background.

You have never deserted me, alcohol, even when we did not speak to each other for a year after that time I slammed a car door on the arm of a girl whose boyfriend I was shagging and ended up face down in a graveyard. Our relationship has had so many varieties!

As much as I want to be with you, and have you inside me, I think we had best take a break from each other, see other people. We will always have our memories, or some hazy variation thereof.

-xo

Posted 4:02 PM by Lambchop

Revenge is a dish best served hot, hot, hot

Well, it's Day 5 of the book deal! So far, so good. After Lambchop's brief but eventful hospitalization, we filled her narcotics prescription and shopped for Lip Smackers. I purchased Martian Mallow and Gum Job Galaxy, er, Gum Ball Galaxy. I let my sister the moose choose one, and she opted to coat her pie hole with marshmallow flavor. I also purchased another note pad featuring a horse on the cover. After some bubble tea, we determined that Lambchop is on her way to health once again.

I am feeling a bit confessional, which will make for a lovely Chapter 3. In my time, I have done some terrible, meddlesome things. Just last week, I convinced a dieting acquaintance to eat an ice cream bar, citing the need for "you time." I also told this individual to consider keeping "emergency chocolate" in his or her desk. Why? I don't know! If someone asks me if he should do something patently destructive and contrary to previously disclosed goals, I am probably going to give permission out of sheer perversity. In other words, don't come whining to me.

When I worked at Starbucks, I would frequently prepare drinks for substantially overweight people using skim milk whether they asked for it or not. I would only dispense low-fat cream cheese. Another time a woman insisted on sending her drink back for more whipped cream, and I pointed out that her Maple-Oatmeal Scone already contained over 700 calories, and that she had even requested butter packets to go with it, so maybe we should just watch ourselves a tetch? This might qualify as public service, but it probably violates some civil rights statute somewhere.

I'm not even going to mention all the times I've tried to kill annoying roommates. That could be a chapter in itself. Let's just say one should never leave their toothbrush out if I am around. If I have taken a dislike to you, it is a short trip to brushing your teeth with toilet water and having all your food removed from the fridge as soon as you leave, only to be replaced shortly before your return.

Finally, last week I attended a concert with Lambchop, and we were bothered by a beer-selling slattern jawing away during quiet moments in the performance. She wandered off to give her David Spade lookalike manager a chance to look at her lower back tattoos, and I ticked off a bunch of extra marks on her scratch pad where she kept track of what she'd sold. Later, she came up short on the till and no doubt had to go to the back office with David Spade.

Also, I lie on the internet.

I am going to be run over by a bus any minute now.

-xxoo

Posted 12:49 PM by Licketysplit