Run roughshod over me

I just called someone an "imperious whelp." That was satisfying. I'm getting a lot of mileage out of that one lately. And I just may have procured a new love seat for my office. You know, for office love. If I have actual furniture, I may have to finally decorate beyond pasting up the ready.gov print-outs. Some flounces over the window, perhaps a bear skin rug... a cone of silence!

While checking out the recent search strings for Vomitola, I discovered the following alarming morsels: gumjobs, bronze buttocks, anal leakage iced tea, and perhaps most disturbing of all: "bridesmaid shoes in color teal." Sweet frosted globes of the virgin! The gumjobs are perfectly understandable. That's a Heather term if there ever were one. I'd better sneak in a manchowder mention while I'm at it. Bronze buttocks, well, we can't help you there, unless you were looking for a peek at Steele's hindquarters. I can't personally attest, but I'm sure Steele's rump has a sheen like a new penny. Anal leakage iced tea? Dear reader, if you find out which brand causes anal leakage, do alert me.

Now, the bridesmaid shoes in color teal...those are a real atrocity. I am getting mawied in a few months now. I may have mentioned "wedding" at some point. Certainly I've mentioned shoes. But I can't help you in your misguided pursuit. I wouldn't tell you where to find those even if I did know! My one or two pals who will stand next to me have been instructed to "wear whatever the hell you want." I'm not saying it won't be a posh affair, but I trust in their impeccable taste and have no need to make them wear taffeta ruffles in the color of Circus Peanuts. I don't need a photo of myself surrounded by grown ladies decked out like Easter Peeps. Matching is way overrated anyway. If my own socks do not match, how can I insist anyone else make such a concession?

Anyway, assembling the trappings of a garden-variety wedding isn't really that bad. It isn't that good either. I am not into weddings. In fact I pretty much loathe weddings. I never sat around dreaming of mine when I was a wee be-ribboned tot. But unfortunately the person I am legally and fiscally allying myself with did. Dream of his perfect girlish fantasy wedding. :P If I had it to do over again, I would stomp my feet and howl until I found myself boarding a flight to Vegas. But as soon as I start drinking, I am sure to enjoy myself. Most of the niggling details are out of the way, or left up to Mr. H. And registering is FUN, man. I only wish it were not limited to housewares. If I could register for a home submarine kit, or his n' hers pith helmets, we might be on to something. Or sidearms, those could come in pretty handy these days. I thought a nice concept for the invitation might involve letters pasted together ransom note-style to say "SEND CASH. UNMARKED BILLS."

xxoo

Posted 12:58 PM by Licketysplit

Corrections, mea culpas, addendums

It has been brought to my attention that the proposed title for my novel, Portrait of the artist looking real fine, is one of the most egomaniacal monikers since Peter Murphy had the spleen to name an album Deep.

I certainly do not mean to toot my own horn. I would be writing about hypothetical (yet comely!) characters. It's not like I'm Peter Murphy, presumptiously assuring you that I am DEEP, and my intellect is VAST. I'm not even like that Zadie Smith, running on about my flawless dental hygiene. I shudder to think.

Aaron piped in again to tell me more shocking separation of church and state news. Those folks who were so into the national day of fasting? Their resolution PASSED! By a huge margin! Do email your local wonk and tell them you are most terribly distressed if they voted for this. We go on and on about theocracy being so terrible in Islamic countries, but what are we shooting for here? It's A-OK to dictate the religious actions of an entire nation as long as the god in question isn't swarthy? People may certainly pray and fast all they want, and I'm sure every little bit helps if such things are possible. But please don't tell me how, when, and where to beam my own brand of goodwill into the cosmos! Although I prayed just this morning: "Dear lord, please let me always be able to afford professional hair color." I'm just kidding. Sort of.

In other news, I got highlights.

xxoo

Posted 11:31 AM by Licketysplit

Portrait of the artist looking real fine

There's my title, now all I need are some characters, a plot, and umpteen thousand adjectives, verbs, and conjunctions. Oh, and articles, both definite and indefinite. Maybe some adverbs or prepositions. Punctuation. Why, this practically writes itself!

My younger sister is writing a book. And she?s not even out of college yet. I have scarcely the motivation to write a check to my mobile service provider, and there she is, poised to be the next Eggers, Eggers, Leggo my Eggers. See, I suck. I even stole Leggo My Eggers from her. Ah Grasshopper! The student has surpassed the teacher.

Anyway, she suggested my book should be about a post-bohemian self-actualizing in the face of a life-changing event. OF COURSE she was kidding. Still, I think I?ll just write about how annoying hipsters are. Po-Boho. Huh huh, Beavis.

Oh, a few housekeeping announcements, then on with the news of the day! You may notice a strange new box on the left. A coalition force from Amazon.com seems to have installed it in the night. Please use it to buy lots of things, as hosting costs money, and so do tampons and Lee Press-On Nails.

Secondly, we have secured the services of a music critic! Mr. Howell Fairly will debut shortly. I believe he?s working on a review of the new EP by Snout, a promising group of tow-headed, tie-wearing youths. Also a real think piece entitled ?Emo: Tears like grapes squashed on the supermarket floor.?

Now for the news: Aaron tells me that some wackadoos from particularly fundamentalist-leaning states have proposed a resolution asking the president to designate a national day of fasting and prayer, so that God may shine his heavenly light of favor on America.

In other masticating developments, New Yorkers are staying home from restaurants [NYT, reg. req.]. People are opting to stay at home, eating massive quantities of cheap takeout, keening softly until they fall into a bloated slumber. Heather was just saying that the new trend won't be Terror Sex, but the Terror 15. See, that's obviously where the fasting and prayer is supposed to come in! "I pray my ass won't spread as I watch all this war coverage." Balance in all things, we say.

I checked my favorite snack portal, Taquitos.net, to see if they have any stress eating data. They don't. But they do have this article about Krispy Kreme's inexorable advance into Massachusetts, a topic near and dear to my ass.

Oh, for the record, we are not a bunch of bulimics just because we like to keep slim and trim and happen to have a site called Vomitola! I know the deck appears to be stacked against us, but we are prepared to be hated for our natural beauty. That's nothing new anyway. If we don't exfoliate, the terrorists will have won!

xxoo

Posted 5:01 PM by Licketysplit

Problem with Pants



Dear Kitty Winn

My husband has this annoying habit of putting bottlecaps in his pockets. Everytime he cracks open a beer, there goes the cap in his pocket. We are talking pockets constantly full of the damn things. Usually nestled in a fat wad of filthy napkin. Sorting out our laundry has turned into a garbage pick, a lint harvest. I have tried coaxing, begging, and screaming at him. Should I sew all of his pockets shut?

-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Whoa, have a xanax, lady! I bet anyone who could see the crumpled receipts, cracked powder case, crushed breathmint, and stray hair clips and safety pins at the bottom of your purse would be none too pleased. Your mate suffers a bizarre form of pack rattage, I grant you. Kitty would never lay hands on someone else's greasy serviette! Not very sexy, either, to have these things emerging from his pants during intimate moments. Sadly, a person cannot be browbeaten out of their foibles. But there are methods of persuasion. Perhaps you ought to suggest that you will be going nowhere near his pants until they are free of such items. A week or two without a) clean trousers and b) blowjobs should be enough to convince your mate to rethink his entire pants-as-receptacle model of the universe.

Trust me. No one knows pants like Kitty.

-Kitty Winn

Posted 8:09 AM by Lambchop

Sharing is the pits

But....I sit here surrounded by five wireless networks I could pick up with my laptop, if I didn't already pay for one myself. Of course my own Linksys doohickey is totally locked down so no one may siphon my electrons, like some sneaky mullet stealing gas from his brother-in-law's bike. Really, it's ridiculous to have this much bandwidth in such a small area.

So, neighborinos, dear frodosshire2, fiftyG, default, Home, and bostondev, whaddya think? What if we let our powers combine? My dsl is $35 a month...split 6 ways, woo! It's practically free. Do you need a little Vomitola wifi in your life? Well, maybe not you, default, or you, Home, you are obviously not creative enough to pass muster! Plus you left the barn door wide open already. And frodosshire2, that's just kind of dorky. You probably sit around writing fan fic and wearing ears. Bostondev could be too practical for my little scheme, as they seem to indicate they are doing actual work. So that leaves...fiftyG. Are you down? Oh my, and there is a late contender, in the form of pnut+saus. Well, well! This gets interesting.

xxoo

Posted 11:35 PM by Licketysplit

Obla di Indeedy



The video of captured american soldiers was impossible to escape on television here in Europa. But tears and hours of shaking my fist at the screen, enraged at the folly of humanity, was not doing any good. My usual civic philosophy is that you cannot change people, make them less apt to failure and unmerciful behavior. That the most you can do is arrange the world to make the best of our given nature. In this case, we have the opposite- everything is giving way to hunger for dominance, fanaticism, and brutality.

To combat such lowly thoughts, Steele shanghaied me from my television and my overflowing ashtray and took me for a ride on his BMW motorcycle. Its a high powered touring bike that he got for desert racing in Dakar. Vroom vroom! We would have kept going all the way to France, but I was getting a bit of a chill, and we had an oscar party to go to! Sunday night found us in the Hollywood hills toasting with Harvey Weinstein and chuckling amongst ourselves over Nicole Kidman's oratory skills, which go something like "the world situation is ummm crazy. and umm, uhh, I believe that people are getting hurt in other countries, for example".

Lunch is served, America, and it's a giant shit sandwich. But darned if Steele didn't look marvelous in his oscar night suit.



smooch

Posted 12:55 PM by Lambchop

The humanity

In these times of "AUGGGHHHHH," it is somehow less appealing to natter away about boys and makeup and low-fat yogurt, but I'll just have to give it the old college try. I just got an email about a mass "die-in" scheduled for this Saturday in the Boston Common. Hoo boy. Guess I will be avoiding that area. So much for walking uninterrupted between my house and the gym! Shouldn't I be fit in case I'm called to serve my country? Perhaps in the Miss World pageant, or an international swimsuit model-off? Americans have the poweful Mother of All Bikini Waxes on their side. Not to mention Pilates and numerous Sephora locations. It would be a slaughter.

But the gym is depressing. Everyone stares bug-eyed at CNN on the individual TVs on the cardio machines. It is pretty hard to slack off when you're watching marines slinking around on their bellies via a night vision cam. There is nothing you can possibly think but "Damn, do I have it good right now. Now I must PAY." So everyone is limping pitifully when they get off the machines. And no one is obviously picking each other up, phooey on terror sex.

My actual opinion about current events changes every 10 or 15 minutes. I am in no way an accurate barometer of American pacifism or jingoism. Right now I'm wavering in the camp of "Enough of this shit, I'll personally go over and rip off some moustaches and berets." Just get it over with. I know people who are serving in the middle east, and I'd quite like to get them back. The TV news is also stepping up Iraqi human rights atrocity footage. The best story so far was unquestionably the human meat grinder with direct outlet to the sewer. You have to wonder how much is true, but Barbara Walters has recruited a prodigious amount of people with hideous scars. I am certainly all for ending torture (who isn't! Well, maybe Barbara Walters.), but we are establishing a dangerous precedent of intervention, and we all know that Iraqi human rights are not the real motivation for this war. Ugh ugh ugh.

Oh, what was I talking about? Makeup! Yes. I may have to totter over to Sephora at lunch and spritz myself with various fragrant potions 'til I reek like a French whore. Or I could just sniff this whiteboard cleaner....mmm tolulene. I believe that's the stuff that melts styrofoam.

Ah, but let's not forget my real port in a storm! Heather has introduced me to Steele's twin brother Sloane. Sloane is a pillar of the community. He looks good in bike shorts. He makes a stunning spring vegetable risotto. Sloane is always available for consultation on matters of fashion. He plucked my eyebrows the other day, and I must say he uncovered a natural arch I never thought possible.

xxoo

Posted 10:34 AM by Licketysplit

Some people just buy corvettes

George: thanks for involving us all in your mid-life crisis! Aging is tough on anyone, especially on those with a prodigal son complex. So I feel for you, I do. Dad's going to be so proud at long last! Some people just bang a secretary, some people start riding a Harley. But you are doing such a great Yosemite Sam. Whatever works for you! Pow! Pow!

But sillyness aside, folks, I have gotten my war on, and I have taken Kitty Winn's advice. I sallied forth and bought a fetching pink shirt. I got my hair did. I have informed friends and loved ones of favorable language to be used to describe my life to date.

After work today, I went over to the Gap on Newbury to get one of those ta-ta enhancing t-shirt bras. They are on sale, by the way! As I was walking home, I heard cow bells and hooting coming from Copley Square, so I meandered by. I passed a batallion of cops in riot wear, well stocked with those plastic handcuffs. I stood towards the back of the crowd looking on, and I kept getting accosted by grubby socialists. After the 5th or 6th be-dreadlocked urchin asked me if I had my copy of Worker's Vanguard yet, I said "I am carrying a Gap bag. What do you THINK?" I got a hearty "fuck you!" and she scuttled off in a huff.

I perused the various signs and pondered the general lack of credibility of the assembled throng. My photo was snapped multiple times, and I hope to god it doesn't appear anywhere newsworthy. I'm not worried about the Feds since I pretty much get cavity searched any time I fly already. I am against the war but against the anti-war movement, if that's possible. These kids strike me as opportunistic protestors, forsaking their devil sticks for the latest trendy thing, be it IMF or WTO. It's not the 60's, and you can't get stoned in public, as nice as that might be. Sure, the unitarian lesbians were sincere and respectful, but the "face" of this movement that attracts the most media attention is largely young, grubby, and unruly. It's a PR disaster, as harsh as that sounds. Middle America sees these candy-ass hijinks and recoils. They aren't going to stick around to hear the message when the messenger frightens them.

What really sticks in my craw is that these well-intentioned people were nowhere to be found when the presidency was finagled two and a half years ago. Were there demonstrations? I don't remember any in Boston. Why is it so surprising that our president does not heed popular opinion when he wasn't installed by the popular vote? I hope this same kind of enthusiasm for activism is still in place when the next election comes around. The irony is that a lot of these kids probably voted for Nader anyway. I recall people saying things might get worse, but they'd get better. Well, they are worse. I can't wait for the better.

Who knows, maybe in ten or twenty years people will vacation in a rebuilt Iraq. The entire peaceful Middle East will be a holiday paradise. Surf's up in Tel Aviv, booty be shakin' in Baghdad, duty free in Dubai! Hussein and his regime are evil and corrupt, no question about it. But there has to be a better way to do this. Even if there were no alternative, having the effort led up by an oaf who can't even pronounce "nuclear" and his band of profiteering henchman does not exactly inspire confidence.

Enough prattling for one night.

Posted 11:43 PM by Licketysplit

WAR HATE WAR...

go here

Posted 10:38 AM by Lambchop

Thel' About Town



You probably all know that our boys are about to go to war, God Bless 'em. Licketysplit and Lambchop want to know, "what is America thinking?!" And darned if they didn't ask me, Thelma Haney! Now I don't know much about politicking, but I can tell you all about life here in Epsom. Even with Mr. Haney gone (God rest his soul) life here is pretty exciting. Just last week my niece wanted to take me to dinner, and I had just seen an advertisement for a shrimp platter at the Ground Round on the TV! I don't normally go in for a fuss, but I like to spoil myself now and again, so off we went. As I was driving home in my Buick Skylark, I passed the neighborhood arcade, where all the youths go to play the pinball, and it looked like the whole P.T.A. was out there protesting. Apparently, the young people of this town use the arcade as a meeting place to go out into the woods and drink alcohol! I am not really clear on what became of the matter, but my good neighbor Flora said it had something to do with Heavy Metal music.

This afternoon I was down the beauty shop to give Rosie all my soda can pull tabs for all those poor kids with leukemia, and I decided to have my usual wash and set. And she told me that George Clooney would not be present at the Oscars this year because he is a terrorist. I was shocked! Handsome Dr. Doug Ross, I told her it can't be true. He's a Kentucky boy! So I was out in the yard reading my papers (Flora gives me her Enquirers when she is finished with them), and that was no baloney. Rosie is known to exaggerate, but it said right there, George Clooney to be barred from the Oscars. It's a shame when a handsome boy goes bad. I better call up my son and make sure he is keeping up with his studies.

Good day from Epsom,
Thelma Haney

Posted 6:56 PM by Lambchop

Gentlemen take polaroids



Dear Kitty Winn,

I sure am all a twitter because of this talk of terrorism. I know, that's sooo 2001. But the gubmint is going on and on, and there's those terrible orange flashing lights to remind me I should be scared shitless. We're at Condition Tangerine Dream, Condition Creamsicle, or whatever, if you hadn't heard. Do you remember those Flintstones Orange Sherbet push-up pops? I loved those. I also have an orange push-up bra. Now here's the problem: I would like to go buy a cardigan and a rude t-shirt at French Connection or something, but I am too afraid to leave the house. Which means I have to watch Dr. Phil or TLC all day. And while I love Trading Spaces, I'll never get to be on it if I can't walk out my front door! And my neighbors have a butt-ugly couch! This is a matter of the greatest import.

climbing the walls when I should be painting them,
-Betsy Wetsy

P.S. Are you related to Amy-Wynn??

Dear Betsy,

Trading Spaces? Why I suppose I do trade spaces, in my own way...the ranch for the chalet, the penthouse for the yacht. So it goes. But really dear, why do the decorating yourself? *whispers, behind hand* There are PEOPLE to do that sort of thing for you! The only valid sprucing up activities should be related to personal grooming or costuming.

So, to that end, Kitty urges you to throw caution to the winds and venture out! Ob la di, like that retarded kid said, life goes on. You will perambulate the shopping lanes with vigor, head held high, tresses conditioned and bouncing. The secret to inner composure is knowing you have a sparky victim tribute photo ready and waiting in case of emergency!

Kitty suggest a 3/4 view for your shot, as it is most flattering. You should also tip your chin down, while tightening the muscles beneath it, and look upward just a bit — never directly at the camera. Kitty learned this from Princess Di, and it never fails. Neutral make up is preferable, with a smidge of extra eye definition. A good brow is key; consult a professional if you are in doubt. You want to look like the very best version of yourself, not a painted whore. Unless you are a painted a whore, and then different strokes, right? Still, Never. Ever. Contour.

Now Kitty also insists that you order from a reputable photographer. You don't want to see "Olan Mills" or "Lifetouch Portraits" stamped in the corner. Why not just let your mom use that horrid senior portrait then? Your big hair will be your lasting contribution. Maybe she'll also helpfully give an interview about how much you loved whatever unfashionable band you liked in high school. You know she wants to! So, having a prepared statement is also key. You'll want to detail exotic hobbies, luxurious interests, etc. What sounds better: "Betsy died as she lived, sunning on the prow of the yacht Serendipity," or "Betsy was a paralegal, and she enjoyed bowling and was a real big Dokken fan."

So my pet, image is everything, and it will most certainly outlive you. Feel better? Super! Bellicose? You mean bella cosa.

graceful under pressure,
-Kitty

Posted 1:03 PM by Licketysplit

He's got the whole world in his hands

It hasn't been all cocktails and soda crackers for yours truly. The fate of the world has been laying heavily on my mind. Just yesterday I was in a french restaurant having medallions of monkfish and a salmon carpaccio drizzled in this wonderful creamy mustard, and i was thinking "damn those french, pass me another slice of that lovely lovely bread".

I am afraid that I side with Michael Moore, on being a great fan of the french, if not Chirac. And "freedom fries" is a concept that makes me shudder. Our president is the only person buffoon enough to think that changing the name of that particular snack is a slight against the french. Freedom fries must have something to do with every american's right to get fat while our government dupes us out of our own rights and brings down its imperialist fist wherever it chooses.

The pope has branded this war a Sin. I am no Catholic, but I agree. And so Steele and I went to Rome to ask the Pope personally if maybe it would be possible to dust off the Rack for Mr. Bush. Or perhaps at least some thumb screws.



smooch

Posted 11:48 AM by Lambchop

Case in pointless



Dear Kitty Winn,

The leader of my nation is poised to start some WWIII-type shit. I am scared and embarassed. I signed all the petitions, and I half-heartedly stood around with some protesters. I thought about emailing my senator, whoever that is. Now I'm sort of informed, having watched the president talk on tv and looked at some scary infographics on the ABC network. The technical explanation I heard was "we're gonna pound em." Kitty, what can I do to take control of this situation? I'm frazzled and perplexed!

-scaredy cat

Dear Scaredy,

You've got nothing to fret over. Remember, nuk-yoo-lar weapons can't hurt you, only the nuclear ones. Sit back, apply some soothing cucumbers to your eyes, and wait for the next Golden Girls rerun. Oh wait, or did you vote for Ralph Nader? In that case, a special detail will be by in fifteen minutes to impress you into the Navy. You'll be taking control of the situation, all right. But don't worry, chicks (and lots of fellas) dig uniforms!

At any rate, it's horrid and scary. Kitty would advise against stress eating, as no one likes a chunky monkey, and nail biting is out as well. Think of your manicure! You could devote yourself to tooth whitening or promiscuity. Those are really the only acceptable options. Oh, and hoarding. Stop driving your confounded SUV and walk to loot the grocery store. But French wine and bon bons are out, as are French cheeses. And stop saying "zut alors" and "c'est la vie." It's annoying anyway.

Kitty will be hiding under the bed if you need her. But she'll be wearing a fabulous negligee!

bunkering,
-Kitty

Posted 10:17 PM by Licketysplit

Oh Baby, just you shut your mouth...



Starboy (me!) was asked to come out and DJ at the Subversiv, a punk dive bar, on saturday. Last time this meant an assault upon my person, but this time it went swimmingly. The party was lovely as an umbrella drink! That dress came with a fortune cookie, which i have just cracked open now, and it reads.

"Rely on your Intuition."

My intuition. Right. Well, I am concentrating very hard, getting in touch with myself. I will let you all know when my intuition divines something other than- "My, what a tasty cookie!" and "wouldn't it be great to wash that down with another drink?"

Cunning linguist, eh? Shove some of that over this way, pronto!

smooch

Posted 6:03 PM by Lambchop

A cunning linguist goes into a bar...



Dear Kitty Winn,

I like to be most precise when insulting my co-workers, and I was wondering what is the salient difference between "incompetent" and "inept?"

thanks a mill,
-Wordy Winnifred

Dear Winnifred,

what kind of name is that? Are you a Cabbage Patch Kid? And what does Kitty look like, the g.d. OED?

Kitty will humor your presumptious request simply because Kitty shares your fondness for insults. So here we go, whoop whoop whee...

Incompetent:
1. Not qualified in legal terms
2. Inadequate for or unsuited to a particular purpose or application.
3. Devoid of those qualities requisite for effective conduct or action.

Inept:
1. Not apt or fitting; inappropriate.
2. a. Displaying a lack of judgment, sense, or reason; foolish: an inept remark.
b. Bungling or clumsy; incompetent: inept handling of the account.

Thanks, Dictionary.com!

Some would argue that they are but synonyms, but Kitty feels that incompetence is a fundamental problem for which there is likely not to be a cure. Ineptitude strikes Kitty as just plain not trying hard enough. Perhaps you should associate a character from popular culture with the object of your derision and see what occurs? George W. Bush? Clearly in the incompetence camp. Bill Clinton? Merely inept.

At any rate, why split hairs? Why not go for such tried and true take-downs as oaf, dolt, or boob? Then there's pinhead, dumbbell, ding dong, simpleton, lummox, clod, or even stumblebum. Be creative! Do they also have a personal hygiene problem you could single out? Perhaps an unfortunate facial feature? Think outside the box, as if it were 1999! You could go from "dummy head" to "bungling filthy slattern!" if you just dig a little deeper.

correctly yours,
-Kitty

Posted 5:57 PM by Licketysplit

These are a few of my favorite things



Steele's favorite hobby might be bouncing the pectoral muscles of his well-oiled torso, but he is a man of culture, too. The other day we went to see the Malevich show at the Guggenheim. Which day? Wednesday, the free day!



I was trying on dresses at the Chinese shop down the street. He does not have a changing room, but he set a wooden screen in the middle of the shop for me. I happened to be wearing stockings and garters as I slung my dress over the top like a james bond villainess. People were swanning in and out, to buy tea or ask for change for the tram. I have a feeling I should have gotten paid for this.

I am feeling underrated, underappreciated. Except by the panhandling punks in front of my door. They trail their sticky pink-eye up and down my body as they holler for change and snigger for me to take them with me. I tell 'em to fuck off and sing the happiness song to myself:

"Whenever I start to mope and pout
And there's nothing left in my soul,
I check the toilet paper and if we're out
I buy another roll!"

oh! Here is something else that really makes my day. Flopsy mopsy and some hardcore midgets! Rockin'!

smooch

Posted 2:19 PM by Lambchop

Happiness Song



Am I the only person that imagines, when i walk past a hair salon, that the stylists are turning their heads and wondering who my hair designer could be and are gagging to have a crack at my locks? I hoist my pixie nose in the air and march on by, as if to say "No! Never!"

Vanity is truly a consuming hobby.

My darling Stu sang me the Happiness Song because he hates to see me all mopey trousers.

"Whenever I'm feeling down and blue
And sorry for myself
I get some staples and some glue
And I'm happy as an elf!"

smooch

Posted 2:26 PM by Lambchop

Cruisin' in my hoopty

Dear Kitty Winn,

A bit of a sticky situation is plaguing me. I was in the locker room at the gym the other day and feeling a bit fresh and spring-like. As I reclined in the sauna, I allowed my towel to peek open a bit. When I opened my eyes again, I noticed that a co-worker had entered the sauna. He seemed to be employing the same MO as me. I fled hastily without saying anything. He hasn't mentioned it either. Then, whaddya know, I run into him at the video store! So I guess my generic question is if I'm sort of half-heartedly cruising in a local adult video store or sauna, and I run into a co-worker, what's the appropriate way to behave? Especially if I'm not sure if he's actually cruising as well?

-Simple in the Sauna

Dear Simple,

Kitty is so glad she does not have this problem. The men come swarming to Kitty! Also, you have left out a lot of pertinent details. 1) Is the co-worker hot? 2) Would you roger him roundly? 3) Are you a bit slow? Wake up and smell the coffee! 4) Kitty has always wanted to say that.

If the co-worker is hot and you would be open to cavorting, you could approach him casually the next time you meet in a non-work setting. Here we must tread carefully, because we must recall the magic phrase "don't dip your pen in company ink." Dating co-workers, while not uncommon, should be approached with caution. You never know when someone will go psycho and bring personal issues into a public forum. Are you prepared to be the next office drama? If you out-rank him at work, you may be legally obligated by the policies of your company to look but not touch.

You also didn't say if you are out at the office or not. Is this a factor in your skittishness? Chances are good that if you keep running into this fellow at the places you mention (the gay section at the local porn shop), he's playing for your team. If you weren't sure he was cruising or not, he must be a discreet individual.

Finally, we have the possibility that the co-worker is not attractive, and there's a snowball's chance in hell that you'd ever hook up. In that case, proceed as if nothing had ever happened. No need to get his poor short, spotty hopes up! Also, if you are unattractive, you should stop fretting right now, as this guy will no doubt leave a wide berth. Saved by the ugly stick!

good luck,
-Kitty

Posted 12:49 PM by Licketysplit

Chim Chim Cheree!

I cheered myself up last night swizzling champagne leftover from some party and listening to joy division. Depression, like doing your hair, is easier when you are a kid. When I was little, all it took during that bleak half hour on a sunday visit to my father while he still slept, to send me careening into hysterical giggling, was playing the Beatles "Honey Pie" on his stereo. (go run-on sentence! go!) One is easier lifted from doldrums in grade school, too. After failing for the Nth time to tackle and smooch jason simonetti in the school yard, I could pocket my bus money and walk home, so i could get a greasy slice of pizza and a frozen coke when I got to Journal Square. You got these long straws with a scoop at the end. Fine, fine! Even with all that high school Weltschmerz, shoplifting would pick a girl right up!

Perhaps I ought to test against disappointment and spleen the power of chewing on a Fun-Dip stick and some Duran Duran.

smooch

Posted 9:24 AM by Lambchop

Mood Swinging



I have been so angry lately. Ready to put my fist through glass when people talk to me. Well, I can pick a cliché to excuse myself- It's because I am Irish. It's because I am a Scorpio. It's because I am bipolar. It's because of hormones. It's because I am just like my mother, who was a bipolar Irish Scorpio with unbalanced hormones. I am glum from waking up from a dream in which a woman in a supermarket was getting on my nerves and I smashed her head in with a can of peas, stuffed her body in my cart, and continued shopping. When the gruesome corpse in Aisle 4 was noticed by others, I was depressed and surrendered myself, weeping.

I don't think I will be doing any shopping today.

smooch.

Posted 8:31 AM by Lambchop

He who is handy with Pumice, and other Tales



O Licketysplit! Steele may preside over my table (and so charmingly does he do his napkin folds- like seashells!) but I shall never forget you. After all, it was together that we pelted Culture Club concert goers with melted sweets to test the strength of the candies themselves. It was with you that I huddled under billiard tables or brazenly bore the scrutiny of the police as we cut a sluttish path through the combat zone in quest of snack treats!

I will enjoy Steele's footrubs and rounds of miniature golf for another week or so, and then my friends may have my attention once more. You really cannot wonder at my current state of absorbtion. He wears cable knit sweaters and gave me ermine socks for my birthday!



smooch

Posted 12:54 PM by Lambchop

Oh MAN

Curse it all, but I have to contend with the return of Steele! I tremble equally with awe at his acquiline profile and with rage at how he wrests my friend's attentions from me! Is there a scientific name for when girlfriends are unceremoniously swept aside in favor of fresh boy?

Oh Lambchop, remember all our good times? Remember when you got into Yale? Who was there with you, under the bridge in the Public Garden, sipping grape-flavored Mad Dog? ME! Remember the time that drunk guy parked his yellow Geo Tracker in front of my balcony and left it unlocked with the keys in it? Who was right there with you, turning it to face the opposite direction? ME! Who was with you when Nick Cave purchased a YooHoo at Christies? ME!

In case you have forgotten, may I remind you of a picture from our girlhood:



Doesn't that tug the heart strings? Mom always liked you best! Now I am going to go and fling myself on my canopy bed, to have a proper be-kneesocked schoolgirl tantrum!

Hmmph!

Posted 10:22 AM by Licketysplit

My Boyfriend's Back



I am so pleased to introduce you to my better half. For the last six months, Steele has been sailing around the Americas. He has just returned today with a marvelous tan and a little sack of worry dolls for me from some godforsaken village where they wear blankets over their heads. I am so happy to see him again! I have prepared his favorite- Pasta Primavera. Steele is a godly man. He has a chin you can stuff quarters into. Each of his locks have been individually kissed by a Florentine hairdresser. He loves Grand Marnier and takes me to every Hugh Grant movie. I am going to run around the room drawing red hearts over each of his pictures. My favorite is this one where he is holding a puppy. Not so much holding it, as hugging it.

Here we are vacationing in Ibiza.



smooch

Posted 1:38 PM by Lambchop

in Just-
spring

A young woman's fancy turns to shoes. Sassy wedges, kicky slides. My kingdom for a pedicure! Oh, to a find a crooked surgeon who will amputate my little toes in a cosmetically-appealing fashion and ply me with narcotics. The better to cram my wee goat feet into the casual buckle-detail mules.

Wow. Writing can be so inherently asshole-ish. Just like me.

My weekend was a sad ordeal through no fault of my own. I didn't do anything fun like take candy from babies or set women in fur coats on fire. There were no acrobats, no jugglers, no mysteries of the trapeze. Instead there was a lot of driving. And listening to bad radio stations. Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock, together at last... If you haven't heard that painful spot of nouveau country, consider retiring to a remote mountain cabin posthaste!

I'm still in a foul mood, no way around that. So I had some more coffee and put on some show tunes! Broadway right in my living room, promises the cable radio display. Seems I can add jazz hands to my own personal raft of the Medusa (er, the couch with the puffy pillows) with the click of a button! Some Bernadette Peters sure soothes the savage beast. At nine, Bernadette received her Equity Card. At nine, I was still biting my sister.

I used to work at the Art History department at BU, and we called the circulation desk cubicle in the slide library the Raft of the Medusa. The work wasn't bad. Filing, reminding professors that the little dot on the slides went to the upper right. Occasionally overhearing students pleading about grades, or even faculty pissing contests. I almost got a degree in Art History, but I realized that would lead to years more of expensive graduate education, not to mention the emotional price of seriously discussing Tracey Emin or Damien Hirst. I did write a rippin' good paper of the "storms of fortune in the paintings of Poussin." hoo dee doo. I'm sure continuing to do such things would have been ever so financially compelling. Thank god I've always been more motivated by cold, hard cash.

-yr dime a dance gal

Posted 3:25 PM by Licketysplit

Ain't no mountain high enough


Dear Kitty Winn,

My boyfriend has gone on a camping trip with his buddy/ex-girlfriend. I know her pretty well, it seems on the level, and lord knows I don't belong on a mountain in platform shoes, swinging my little purse. But the longer he is gone (its a two week trek) the more I miss him and begin to feel jealous. Or that maybe there is something amiss in this relationship that I am in this situation in the first place. Should I be worried? Maybe I should stick to men whose ideas of vacation, like mine, involve hemmorhaging money in a fancy european city or poolside cocktails.

-sadly grieved

Dear Sadly,

Oh, your letter transports me to a river of wine at the Bar du' Marché. You are in over your head, little missy, with Mr. Tent Flap. And even if everything is on the up-and-up and not on the in-out with his campfire buddy, well, eww. Ex-girlfriends were meant to be despised and compared unfavorably to yourself. That is their job. They did not make love/create happiness/lick stamps as well as you do. However, we must tolerate them occasionally. That does not mean we pack off our mates to roast weenies with them. That is our right. Good luck finding someone a little more black jacket, manhattans, and ranting and storming about his love for you into your intercom and a little less timberlands, wheat grass, and bunking with ex-girlfriends.

On a personal note, Kitty Winn is pleased to announce that she is floating around her flat, humming "Love is in the Air". Ahh, Men. Kitty Winn loves you all. Nearly. So I am going to take the rest of the weekend off from you sad bastards. I simply advise everyone to spend Sunday curled up on the sofa with someone incredibly good-looking.

-Kitty Winn

Posted 7:35 AM by Lambchop

Skol!



I am a social scientist- last night I discovered this weird kind of norwegian schnapps, called Aquavit. It was offered to me by a drunk norwegian writer who proceeded to quote Rimbaud shortly before he fell under the table. The Rimbaud was actually very nice and the Aquavit surprisingly tasty for a culture that eats fish steeped in lye. This was after I went to see the film Life is Shit. err, I mean, About Schmidt. I laughed, I cried, I had to see kathy bates naked. Ponderous mams on that woman. Lastly I went to an oriental lounge with tables cordoned off by gauzy curtains where you lay about on sofas covered in satin pillows and drink chartreuse and smoke the hookah. It was all so very August Strindberg. I have a bit of the existential ya-ya's today.I ought to rent myself a cheery film like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

smooch

Posted 11:56 AM by Lambchop

Krank

Poor Lambchop is home sick all alone, filling up baskets with little bits of tissue. Sniffle, sniffle. Last night I went to the cabaret. It was very lusty from what I can remember. Men in thick long skirts flagellating themsleves with roses. Drag queen acrobats and a dandy french clown. Tonight I going to wrap myself in wool and cart myself to the picture show. I hope I will sometime soon return to a coherent state.

Posted 12:33 PM by Lambchop

F-F-F-F-Fashion

Dear Kitty Winn:

My problem is my new girlfriend. Now that the honeymoon, everything-swell phase is nearly at an end, we are spending a lot more time together with our clothes on. And it is slowly dawning on me that she dresses like a real geek. It's like she had this whole wardrobe I was not allowed to see while we were casually dating. Suddenly I am seeing khaki pants and panty lines and white tennis socks and ill fitting jeans. I really like her very much, and I want to keep her. How do I get her to leave that horrible raincoat at home?

-Mr. Suave

Dear Rico Suave,

Listen to me, don't listen to me, talk to me, don't talk to me, dance with me, don't dance with me — wait, were you saying something? Kitty was too busy adjusting her Dior iPod case to better display the logo.

Now why are you even bothering to waste Kitty's time with this precious little problem? If you as stylish a guy as you say, just take her out for a Pretty Woman-style shopping spree! And call Kitty before you go, she's got friends in the shoe department at Barney's.

Your relationships are a reflection upon you, and it?s a good thing you are so sensitive as to realize this. Sounds like it's time for an "I love you?but?" speech. Ellipses central! Either she will realize she's been letting herself go and make more of an effort, or she will howl and weep and look even more unattractive with a puffy red squinched-up face. And that will make you feel much better about dumping her when you see just how vile and soggy she can look! Why, this problem practically solves itself!

Of course this is assuming that you are all that much of a much yourself. Please send Kitty a head shot and a close up of your torso. And no cheating with a 3/4 view on the headshot, Kitty wants to see profile! Also supply your shoe size.

Beep beep,
-Kitty

Posted 5:05 PM by Licketysplit

Horrorscope

I'm done with being a scrappy newsie. I just don't have the energy these days. I'm reinventing myself as a symbol. Refer to the floating feather meant to indicate Dan Quayle in Doonesbury. Yes, I'm just that sluggish. I feel like someone is reading a narration of my daily activities in the voice of Goliath from Davey and Goliath. "Oh Davey..."

My horoscope for yesterday said "There seems to be some danger from a weapon or sharp object and you can also burn yourself or receive a bite from a dog. Avoid situations that are risky. Disappointments may be indicated especially in financial matters if your expectations are too high."

Jeez. Why get up? But then someone sent me this link: Man complains bad rope spoiled his suicide, and I had to giggle. I thought of one of my favorite Dorothy Parker poems:

"Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren?t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live."

Anyway, horoscopes are for shit. Because yesterday I made it through wholly unscathed! And I got an unexpected check in the mail for an invoice I forgot I sent! But today, jebus. It only warned against going to the bad areas of town. But so far I've managed to cut the inside of my mouth with a piece of bread (why aren't people boycotting Au Bon Pain and their hazardous French crusty bread?) and get embroiled in assorted other dramas not of my creation.

My mouth hurts. This entry is approaching LiveJournal-like banality, eh? Speaking of crappy blogs...check out www.ragingcow.com. Dr. Pepper is behind this as part of marketing their new "Extreme Milk" beverage line. I shit you not. Some people are all up in arms about blogs being exploited for marketing purposes. To that I say "sign me up!" If the makers of Fancy Feast want to contact me to talk about how much their product changed my cat's life, swell! How about this, I'll extol the virtues of your product for US $5 per mention. Any product. Clorox, Tampax, Exxon, you name it. Bring it!

xxoo

Posted 4:06 PM by Licketysplit

Round Three!



I feel worse than a cold plate of clam sauce, as my cold has regrouped and is knocking me about for a third time. But I am really just plain angry. I have been making a prince valiant effort to continue working in my studio. And in addition to the fabulous sundry cocktails, I have been taking vitamins and drinking vegetable juice. In other words, I need this like I need a bra with three cups. Or a prosthetic nose or a Shania Twain record.

I am reminded of the latter because one of my housemates has wretched taste in music. And as the native english speaker of the house, I am often called upon to translate song lyrics of such noteworthy talents as Incubus. After one round of a song that contained the line "it goes round and round and round. like an existential carousel...", I left the room telling her these things were not meant for earnest contemplation.

smooch

Posted 1:45 PM by Lambchop

You Shriek



These guys are really brilliant. And no human should be without their new album, Unreal Cities. I am listening this very minute to their snazzy cover of Burning Skies. Also a killer version of Flock of Seagulls "Wishing".

I had a soggy weekend that bled into this week. Two acquaintances of mine have turned into a regular Stella and Stanley show, complete with bottles being thrown out of windows and throat searing shrieking. People like this should not really exist outside of film. But if they must, I am of the opinion I should not know them. I know no woes- I have really large sunglasses and am trip-trapping gaily along shoving pieces of chocolate caffeinated gum into my mouth.

smooch

Posted 6:14 AM by Lambchop

Number 1 in Vomit and Vomit-related products



That's kind of a lie. www.vomit.com is number one in vomit. We're number 1 in vomitola! Don't go to www.vomit.com. It will trigger an epileptic fit of some sort. Worse than Pokemon or the voice of Mary Hart. If you go, remember that I warned you. Once my friend had a seizure at an Iggy Pop show. People hardly noticed! I was the only one remotely concerned as security hauled her off.

But people come here searching for some really strange things. A search terms report is pure zeitgeist, I guess. People turn to us for up-to-the-minute coverage of 50 Cent lyrics, Pop You in the Pooper, and all things Bachelorette. And bukkake. And "manchowder."

The other funny thing is that people come here at all. Really, what's wrong with you? Hi mom. It's ok, I know you're all just here to get berated by Kitty Winn! I can handle it, really. She's a swell bird; she deserves all the perfumed fan letters and locks of hair that she gets!

As if you couldn't tell by now, this is the equivalent of phoning in a clip show. I spent all weekend crouched in front of a computer faking my way through coding some PHP for a freelance project. Luckily my ass is good at cashing checks. Wait, wait, that's not how it is! I mean....don't write a check that your ass can't cash. But I have the utmost confidence in my ass. It's never failed me. Maybe next weekend I'll take over the world, or learn French. Anyway, I'm beat, I'm drained, I'm going to get hot noodles at the Super 88 Food Court.

xxoo

Posted 5:34 PM by Licketysplit

I'm Bleeeeding



"I was recently sent a link to an animation site, based on the occult autobiography of one of my favourite authors August Strindberg,by a close friend and collaborator from NYC. I recommend this site passionately to all who receive this update or visit the Durtro website. These 4 short and exquisite animations have had myself, Mrs Tibet, Steven Stapleton, Geoff Cox and many other friends in hysterical laughter for weeks now. I watch them all at least once a day.

Please, please visit Strindberg and Helium and please support them by buying some Strindberg and Helium merchandise(as I have just done).

God Is Love,
David Tibet, London February 19, 2003"

(thanks j.o.!)

smooch

Posted 3:48 AM by Lambchop