Bluh

A baby cares not for saving daylight.

Posted 3:40 PM by Licketysplit

Leaves fined by condo board for falling in parking lot

Today, the Yahoo! group brain trust proposed that my building should become a gated community because people who don't live here sometimes turn around in the parking lot. I worry about many frivolous things, but so far, I had managed to skip that one. Someone else's tires may be touching pavement that my tires will need to touch! I am going to write back and suggest that we erect an ornate gate house and staff it with folks dressed like Raffles Hotel employees. I also want to be addressed as memsahib each time I come back from grocery shopping. Then they must ferry me over the alligator-and-stingray-filled moat on a raft of platinum.

Posted 2:34 PM by Licketysplit

To train up a child

Earlier a baby stopped nursing and whipped her head around to face the speakers when "Every Day is Like Sunday" came on the shuffle. Then she demanded to sit up and bounce. How many zillion hours of Morrissey did I expose her to in utero? That was probably more dangerous than all the wine*.

Now we have to go outside before we accidentally weep to death!

*It's a joke. Joke. Close the email window. Step away from the computer. I mean "all the wine" is a joke. Well, an exaggeration. I certainly did drink a spot of wine here and there. Like they do in freaking Europe, after all the important organs are baked. But certainly more Morrissey was absorbed than alcohol. Certainly.

Posted 4:54 PM by Licketysplit

Fucktoberfest

My October surprise? Something in the living room smells funny, and I can't find the source. Dead animal? Spot of vomit? We may never know.

In other surprises, a baby has learned to drink out of a sippy cup*. She will attain four months of age on Monday. Now she reaches for my cup while sitting in my lap. Does this mean I have to stop drinking? What next, no more blowing lines off the unbreakable mirror in her play gym?

This whole post was just so I could use the subject line. It came to me on my ten millionth walk with a baby today. Yes, really, ten millionth. Balloons did not drop out of the sky, and I did not get a year's worth of free groceries. I almost got run over by a Puerto Rican kid on a mini bike. Yes, he was Puerto Rican. I'm not just being an assumption racist. The giant flag on his shirt tipped me off. It was sort of like getting mowed down by Ralph the mouse, proportion-wise. Anyway, so I walked for the ten millionth time. Then I gave up on walking and stood by the railing at the edge of the river and bounced up and down so a baby would stay asleep in the wrap. Bounce bounce bounce.

*She gets mommy milk in her cup, not Dr. Pepper, so shut it, would-be drive-by-ers. No Dr. Pepper until five months.

Posted 6:13 PM by Licketysplit

Mommy drinks because you cry

Today a baby went out of the house dressed like an Olsen twin yet again. Perhaps we will get better at matching when someone stops soiling various parts of her outfit so frequently. Until then, we remain "boho." Or around the house, "naked and easily hosed down."

In another two years, I expect to be able to discuss things that do not relate to a baby. That's not totally true. If you'd like to discuss consolidating student loans or car insurance discounts, I'm your huckleberry. Would you like to talk about how my wretched, wretched condo won't sell for what I paid for it? Also, I had a dream that I bought a bunch of bananas housing a tarantula.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a baby is teething, so I have to put some whiskey on my gums.

Posted 7:58 PM by Licketysplit

Condo meeting attended; area jerk spotted

Mr. H went to the meeting while I stayed home to ply a baby with strong drink, and when he returned, I asked after the lady who picks fights on the email list and then declares that the list is not a good forum for discussion when people disagree with her.

"Did you figure out who that cooze is?"

"Yes!"

"What does she look like?"

"A cooze."

Well, I figured!

Posted 6:42 PM by Licketysplit