Lahge regulah coconut iced cawfee

I sin; I sin; I sip the flavored coffee. It was a gift. Patience is a gift. I have it coming out my ears, thanks to these vitamins. I woke up in the night at the moment the power fizzed out because I feel absence acutely. Nothing is always scarier than something.

Mr. H was reading this doomed personal internet homepage the other day, and he was rather crestfallen when he realized I was mocking Tom Cruise in the post where I was blathering about how lucky I am to be married. AMAZING. But the dirty secret is that everything I wrote was true. Normal people just aren't supposed to be effusive. We must hide our light under the bridge with the rest of the trolls. O, grimy peasants of the internet, do not fear my bliss. Embrace it, and perhaps it will rub off on you, the toiling masses. In your nascent apprehension, already you must have realized that I regularly eat delicious things for dinner with a man I love. It is not so shocking.

Ehhhhhhhh, how you say. What else. Nothing and something had a race. Something won. The heat is talking. I swan.

Posted 10:28 AM by Licketysplit

People are trainwrecks/ So why should it be

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. What is your standard deviation? I took a huge handful of vitamins thinking they were Jelly Belly jellybeans. Whoops. No es piña colada! No es popcorn! Throw your hands in the air. How is it possible that a jellybean can taste like popcorn? We are so alone in the universe.

I decided not to get a job since something better came up. The moral: complain on the internet, and ye shall receive! I am moving to Tahiti! If I'm going to have syphilis, that's the place to have it. Ok, I'm not moving to Tahiti. I am redecorating. There is a new condo building being built across the street, and they painted the entry way "goldenrod." So I went over and painted sort of a seafoam over that. That'll teach them. *I* have to look at that entry way, not them!

Uh. Where was I. Syphilis. Yes. This is the thing to have. I got mine from using the toilet after Lindsay Lohan. What? You don't have the sif? Get on the stick! Sorry, sorry, I have this brain tumor that presses on my vulgarity center. It doesn't feel as good as you would think.

Posted 3:15 PM by Licketysplit

S'wonderful, s'marvelous

Have I told you all lately how AMAZING my life is? My husband is just the handsomest man. I never thought I'd grow up to marry him! Everything is so wonderful, I can't even tell you. It's beautiful, just amazing. AMAZING. We had wood-grilled pizza the other night. It was just gorgeous. I'm so happy.

Yes, I am taking vitamins! Tom Cruise was right. They are AMAZING. What? I'm not supposed to take them all at once? Oh.

As I continue the grueling process of hunting for a job (day 2!!!), I've narrowed down my options to the following:

1. Generalísimo, small island nation preferred
2. Writing whiny Chick Lit about how hard it is to be a chick/hip mother
3. Leader of spaceship religion, retaining all merchandise rights
4. Tony Robbins

I don't want any of the jobs on Monster.com or Craigslist. I am too sensitive to work for someone who indicates they want to hire a "profetional" or commands that "salary commiserate with experience." My heart, my heart. My Chicago Manual of Not Being a Douche Bag.

Shit. I am supposed to be using my time to write an episode of "Law & Order: They Had It Coming." More vitamins, please.

Posted 3:20 PM by Licketysplit

Because I love you

I decided to blow off the Amazon after just a few days. It was OK, I guess. I met some monkeys, and I learned how to dye fabric with bugs. I made a caftan. It makes me feel like lounging on the lanai with Dorothy and Rose.

But now that I'm back, I feel a little discontent. I decided it would be in my best interest to have one reasonably lucrative job instead of my usual million jobs with erratic pay schedules. So I set to lookin', and so far I found one that would like me to know that I would have "responcibilities" if I took it. Oh, don't do me like that. If anyone is hiring, I am good at being nosy and bossy. I know my way around a spreadsheet. I will fix your dumb idea and make it look like you are the genius in charge of geniusing.

Speaking of dumb ideas, I'm going to have to fire my therapist. I was complaining about a chronic pain condition I have, and he busted out a book called "How to Heal Your Life" or something like that. The cover was a whole mess of watercolor hearts. And I sat there thinking "Oh no you di'n't," and he turned to the entry for my particular condition and said "ah-ha: internalizes stress, chooses sugar over real love. something something pain all your fault. Your affirmation should be 'I am a woman, and I love my womanly body.'" And I said "You are so, so, so, so fired." I don't think he believed me. So I should order a singing telegram. Oh Tom Cruise, you dumb cracker, where are you with your vitamins when I need you?

Posted 11:31 AM by Licketysplit

The weather is here, asshole

Well, Day 1 in the Amazon is off to a good start. I did leave a bit late because of the little matter of killing the HVAC technician. I festooned the house with his entrails, and left him nailed to the front door as a warning to other service professionals. After a dab of Purell, I was off to the races. I had a little trouble finding the Amazon campsite. No, no, your directions were great, really, I just wasn't paying attention. Silly me! But now that I'm here, the friendly natives have packed me in mud, and I showed them how to get satellite internet access with a magnifying glass and a tin can and some vines. So they are all crowded around PartyPoker.com on the spare computer. I hope I can tear them away so they can show me which toads are best to lick. I think I will like my new home in the Amazon.

Posted 1:30 PM by Licketysplit

Excuse me, i have a very delicate cake in the trunk of my car

Oh, why you gonna honk at me for slowing down just a little bit before I turn? There is no one in the left lane, so go the hell around. My signal is on, whore pants. Do you realize the situation with the cake? I would think that you do not. Respect my cake. You have no idea how fragile it is. I would hate to arrive at my destination and find the fruit topping all messed up to one side like cheese on a tilted pizza. Oh no, that is not how it's going to be. Screw you, you troop-supporting insensate buffoon. I am sorry your SUV is so hard to maneuver that you cannot handle swinging into the other empty lane. My cake will triumph.

Shake it off, shake it off. I lead a charmed life, what with the having most of my original teeth and pooping every day. Although I will never know everything there is to know. I haven't even tried all the vegetables in the produce section. I only know one good recipe that uses wheat germ. What if I am actually supposed to be married to a professor in Prague? I am sure I am not living in the best possible place. Where is that place? I am happy, but the whole world looms. Books jump off the shelf and mock me for not finishing them. Just you wait, SUV driving slam pig, I will up and move to a small community in the Amazon. The natives will befriend me, and I will teach them rudimentary farming techniques and how to perform a tracheotomy with a pen. They have never seen a pen before. We live happily ever after in our easy breezy loin cloths.

Posted 11:12 AM by Licketysplit

Sharks are jumpin and the cotton is high



Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy sexy! I've got Zellweger down in the basement Zellwegering the laundry. She knows her way around the delicates, that girl.

Every day (everyday) I think "Man, this is it, the day I finally eat the whole thing." But I never do. You know why? Because I am Bartleby. I prefer not to. Also, I am too lazy to walk to the fridge. I wish the ceiling would just rain Captain Morgan and Diet Coke. I could tip my head back like a baby bird.

What do I prefer, you ask? Well, there's shouting at the help, kicking the pets, and cheating on my spouse. And heavy, heavy drinking. This morning's plans were spontaneous: I ran someone off the road for the first time in a long while, and that was great. After evading the police, I arrived home just in time to lay a trap for the mailman. I've hidden a black widow spider in the box! Now I'm going to have Consuela (my dumbass housekeeper with the stereotypical housekeeper name) throw out all the expired yogurts.

Posted 11:21 AM by Licketysplit

Hey baby, hey hey!

Yesterday, some children came over. We had a dance party and some existentialism. Did you know ice cream cones can fall on the ground? Well, they can. Also, glass doors may look like they are not doors at all, but they are actually quite solid. One should not test things for solidity with one's head.

This has been a randomly selected update about a small segment of my life. Stop reading this. I am not wearing shoes. I mean it, stop. Nothing to see.

Posted 5:33 PM by Licketysplit

Oh what a beautiful



Morning, worms. Today would be just the best day to cover myself in Fritesaus and beach myself on the deck until the birds pick my bones clean, but instead I am here for you. For you! Since "weblogs" all jumped the shark sometime last year, I am going to ram this baby right into the iceberg. Are you with me? I want to make this site (cite) the Cousin Oliver of the internet! Joanie loves Chachi, and they both love hearing about what I ate for breakfast. I want to be the Golden Palace to your Golden Girls. Bring it. Oh, consider it brung.

I was at the grocery store yesterday waiting to put in my order at the fish counter (should I order the fish or the fish? I KNOW!), and I got distracted by this pile of especially sensuous filets with glistening skin. I was thinking about how it would be great to stitch them all together and make a suit, and I was picturing myself wearing this suit up and down the aisles, and there would be music playing and lights flashing. And then I was all "Self, someone is talking to you, oh, what is he saying, respond with a pleasantry, oh, which one to use, ok, let's try 'hey, how ya doin'?,' but you don't care how he's doing and maybe that won't even fit, but let's give it a shot anyway." So I said "Hey, how ya doin'?" and asked for 3/4 of a pound of...wait for it...scallops! And then I went back to thinking about my fish suit, and then it was time to tune in again, and what was this guy saying to me? Honestly, how many decisions must one person be forced to bear? So I said "sure," hoping that would do. I guess it did, because he handed me a bucket of scallops. I don't know what I would have done if he had presented me with orange roughy or previously frozen shrimp. And I said "Have a good day," and then I felt like a jerk because I realized this dude with the fading black eye works at a fish counter and shitheels tell him to have a good day for eight hours! There is no way he is having a good day! At this fish counter there is probably a whole underbelly of gossip and crab leg fights that I don't get to see, and maybe that's part of a good day. Maybe once he leaves and removes his scale-encrusted apron and lights a fattie in the parking lot he will have a good day. God. Everyone should light a fattie in the parking lot.

Posted 12:22 PM by Licketysplit

What snoo, what snot

Man it is such as crazy to have the dreams that I have sometimes when I dream. The other night I watched the Superbowl, er, sorry, "big game," but it was played by cats. Cats wearing adorable little leather football helmets. And omg last night Australia was in the wrong place. It was sort of between Africa and India. And that is not where Australia really goes, but I flew over it on my way to India. Hello, hello Australia! You might not want to sit in the front of the vehickle, as we will be heading down this steep track, and it is made of rickety wooden rails. Also I dream (a'lot) about confusing the gas pedal and the brake pedal. Peddle. Petal.

Internet, you had best stop reading things you find in the computer. They make no sense! Only look for pictures of Lindsay Lohan appearing skeletal. Dear New York Times Ombudsman: I have a good article for you to make. It is called "Blogs Suck; Go Outside." But you will probably just run another article about how knitting is great, and people like to buy real estate. If you need a list of other things to cover, heah I am.

Never have I been so glad to live in a time where I can just "dial up" the computer and find out that a woman might not like the haircut she has received. And maybe she got her period on her birthday. Them's the breaks. Brakes. And this guy, maybe this guy he had thoughts about Star Wars. I bet he did, that guy. Someone else has a dog. That's good, we need more of that. I like dogs. "Blogs" should be written only from the perspective of housepets. My cat says "I am so gay 4 these new brewer's yeast and garlic treats ugly no-tail mommy got me." Tale.

Posted 10:11 AM by Licketysplit