Vomitola

This picture pretty much describes how I spent my Saturday night:



-xo

Posted 1:25 PM by Lambchop

I'm Thankful!



You say potato and I say "fuck it", Let's Call the Whole Thing Off. I decided not to have Thanksgiving Dinner after all. Though I received several kind invitations to warm hearths, I decided I would rather laze around in my unheated room, and drive around looking for a convenience store that has frozen bagels. When you play surf music, everything feels like a Mission. Take Gas, Goofy Footer Hodad!

Like every lily-livered gold plated American, I have a tarjillion things to be thankful for. But no one wants to hear me opine about how lucky I feel to have all my limbs, food, and a bomb free-sky to gaze up at. So we decided to ask Happy-Go-Lucky Hasselhoff, for a list of the things he holds dear on this day. And we bring you:

I am Thankful For...
by Hasselhoff.

1. Adventure!
2. Chest Wax
3. Birdsong
4. My favorite well-worn Speedo, "the Gunboat"

but most of all,

5. The Germans!

Happy Thx-giving Everyone!

-xo

Posted 3:03 PM by Lambchop

The Lay of the Land Today at 10,000 Feet: A High Level Overview

I've got that 'last day of school' feeling so bad. I launched a site I've been slaving over for a while, because either the day before a holiday or a Friday at 5 p.m. is totally the best time to do complicated things like that. I did not break the database, and I am thankful.

Ever keep predicting things that are likely to happen anyway? I'll think "That guy is going to call me," and that guy does. Or "Heather just posted to Vomitola," and she did. Or "My sister's flight is cancelled." If I weren't psychic, I wouldn't have known about that, because Orbitz just called to assure me that while there may be weather delays, the flight is on time. Then they called ten minutes later to say the flight will depart on time. However, I'd already checked the website thanks to my spidey sense, called the airline, and rebooked for tomorrow before I received either of those calls. I hope they call every ten minutes. It makes me feel important.

I am super excited that there will be pie tomorrow! I hope everyone has pie! Personally, I don't eat, but I encourage you to try the Other Apple Pie: equal parts hard cider and Harpoon Winter Warmer. When my sister finally arrives after being squished in a tin can with ugly people, I will pour one down her gullet.

I wish you all a velocitous re-valuetization this holiday season. Link courtesy of Max, who hates both Freedom and America, almost as much as Orbitz does.

Posted 4:54 PM by Licketysplit

Deliverance



When I sit down to a plate of crisp turkey skins and can-shaped cranberry sauce this year, I am going to give thanks to Friends. Especially friends like Licketysplit, who has gotten me out of many scrapes and situations. What a tender moment it was when she and Bruno Ganz (they are such friends!) sallied forth to my cell, wearing crisp white shirts and refusing to touch me until I had a bath. It was as though angels had descended from heaven and offered me exfoliant.

I must tell the truth, I will be having a lovely meal with some very nice people. And Licky and Bruno will be riding a Zamboni into the sunset over a frosted lake up north.

So much to be grateful for. I shall return with a LIST!

-xo

Posted 1:59 PM by Lambchop

Incarcerated

So I decided not to have a party at my house for my birthday, because of some housemate difficulties.



Instead I went to a party in a shicky micky loft in the South End. It was pretty bumpin', but at 1:30, some meatwads with badges stormed in, spoiling for a fight, as though they had stumbled upon the Happy Land in the Bronx. As we gathered our coats and our wits, something these gentleman clearly had no need for, we were ordered at top volume to be out in 30 seconds or go in the Wagon. I believe in our constitutional right to party on Lambchop's Birthday. Or maybe I am a sucker for sarcasm. In any case, this thuggish behavior really teed me off and I started to holler "that's right everyone, trample for the exits! We want bodies crushed on the stairs! MOVE!"

I won this round of "Most Likely to be Arrested". I spent the rest of my birthday in the clink with a bunch of hookers, playing scrabble. At least they had a boombox. Chaka Khan, everybody!

Posted 9:49 AM by Lambchop

Joyeux anniversaire, Lambchop



L'âge mûr donne la tonalité aux violons, au vin, et aux bons camarades.

(Ripe age gives tone to violins, wine, and good fellows.)

Posted 8:54 AM by Licketysplit

A sweet romantic place



Hey America! How's it going? I have so much to tell you. Well, not really anything interesting. Have you ever wondered what it's like in my head, America? My inner monologue goes something like "Oh hey, that is one fat squirrel, look that guy is feeding him, do I smell bagels, oh no he did not button the "never" button, oh he did, my feet are cold, isn't it weird that advocados are in season now, that person would not be so fat if they did not get the chips with their sandwich." My inner monologue cares not for punctuation.

And somehow I still walk around and deposit checks in the bank and drive a car and have a husband and friends and pay bills and pick out thoughtful Christmas presents. I would love to know how this all works. Does everyone walk around with a head full of TV static, or is it just me? I'm not saying I mind, it's just a marvel.

Oh, and I had a bout of existentialism while shopping for shoes. It was brutal, and for a few tenuous moments, it did not matter which pair of black boots I purchased. Luckily, it turned out to be low blood sugar, and I went with the black ones. I should start carrying an emergency pie.

Last night, Mr. Helen and I ordered pizza from the internet, pretty much just because we could. The only wrinkle in this plan is that the end product is delivered by a human and not ASIMO. Still, the pizza tasted of progress, and we even had a coupon for progress. Good deal, America.

Posted 8:50 AM by Licketysplit

Publish or Perish!



We are happy to announce the upcoming launch of the newest in handy guides to cynicism, nihilism, and narcissism. In addition to Vomitola, we are coming out with a new glossy mag to fill your need for self-loathing, makeup tips, and pictures of Morrissey. That and so much more will be premiering in February, just in time to be your Valentine. And you will have to pay for it. Between stalking Jude law and phone calls to Barack Obama (she says once you go barack...ahem), our Helen does not have the time to edit this perfumed poison fishwrap, so I will be your editorial Lambchop. Helen will still be available to tell us not to get fat, and to slap me with a ruler if I misuse a possesive. Order now or a pox on your webbed offspring.

-xo

Posted 4:30 PM by Lambchop

Freunde von Mir



This was a weekend of old friends, and their new works. I went down to NYC to see an exhibition of new paintings by my old pal Chris Mir. But I am not going to review the show here, because Jerry Saltz was there, and he is far, far more clever than I. But really if you are in Chelsea, look for yourself at Rare. They were nice enough to give us an open vodka bar at a nearby snazzateria.

Welcome to the World of What I Did this Weekend. At the opening I ran into a few of my thesis mates from the Old School. I was very excited to see them for the first time since we popped our corks in '99. I had an Outfit. I also kept the company of my old pal from School and his crazy Serbian wife. He stayed with me several times in Berlin, and I stay with them often when I come to the city. I feel at home there because when I walk in, Marija shrieks, in a voice you could shave with, "ziveli! Heather is here. Now we get drunk!" I also had a lamb schawarma that was so greasy, it left me with a layer of fat paste coating my hands.

The denizens of New York expect you to justify the fact that you live elsewhere, especially if you are an artist. Who ever heard of a painter that lived in Boston? The relief is palpable when I tell them I plan to drift into the city next year. There is a lot to do in New York, and a lot of careers. Sometimes I wonder, though, if I really want to live among so many grownups. Wait, I already know the answer to that is "no!" People assure me that there are plenty of people in New York, who, like me, are Desperate, but Not Serious.

-xo

P.S. The band Coil is one of the beloved old vomitola house bands. One of the pair, John Balance, died by falling drunk from a balcony. Feel free to appreciate the irony!

Posted 1:39 PM by Lambchop

You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

This week I was so busy that time actually slowed down, and I felt like I was trying to do lunges across the bottom of a pool. Now, overall, it's good to be busy because it distracts me from feeling guilty about converting my disposable income into frivolous things like teeth whitening strips and manchego cheese. But yesterday was especially terrible and unholy, and I shall exhaustively detail it to impart just an iota of the suffering to you, gentle reader.

First, I discovered that the Mac OS 10.3.6 update is a lulu, in that I got the kernel panic curtain of doom when it was 80% installed, and my powerbook refused to start up past the chime. I had a presentation that afternoon and needed to burn a CD of stuff I had not backed up yet. I called to berate Apple, and an unflappable woman named Shalonda mandated that I use the system restore disc. So there I sat, shrieking "Twenty-nine minutes!" at the progress bar. Luckily, it turned out to go much faster. I cursed the Fins and the Danes and all the Asians as their language packs were installed, holding up American ME, ME, goddammit, ME. In the end, I did not lose any data, and I know this is because God approves of the high moral standards of this great nation.

Then I almost got killed by some BeUro trash driving a black Kompressor, but luckily MY German car, assembled in Mexico, is sufficiently maneuverable to compensate for total idiots being allowed to do things like drive. I still could not reach my intended destination because a marching band was, well, marching down the street. They were followed by a band of Morrissey impersonators, waving handmade banners decrying our reliance on foreign oil. I made that last one up, but it would have been great.

Then I had to sit in a small office and teach someone how to use Dreamweaver, something I had stupidly promised about nine months ago.

Sample dialogue:
oaf: "So these pages are Word documents?"
me: "No."
oaf, later: "So we measure things with pixels because everyone has different fonts on their computers?"
me: "No."

It is hard to be the caretaker of the little creatures of nature. I realized that I am almost a year into my retirement, and I should really stop being eccentric and "working." So from here on out, I only do work that I like, which means no more front-end coding whatsoever, even if you lit a match under my left foot. And Mai Tais, we'll have lots of those. It's about setting limits, America.

Posted 6:44 PM by Licketysplit

People...They're the Worst!



*Someone* said this world is full of crashing bores. You can't swing a dead cat with hitting poseurs and phonies. People who talk about how much everything sucks, but are the first with their backs to the wall. People whose creativity is best expressed by trying on a new pair of shoes. I saw a German film once that described people as "koenners, nicht koenners, und flachschwimmers". That is, there are those that Can, those that Can't, and those that flail around, making a public business of their failure and insecurity. Those without dignity, these are the lowest. Everyone loves a winner, and even more so a Loser, the kind of person who can toast his own inadequacy, and then ask you for money. A "flachschwimmer" is a full grown adult who is still wearing water wings, and choking.

Just when you really start to repine your own humanity, you overhear the following (pronounced by a 15 year old boy):

"Everybody wants to be black until the cops show up!"

-xo

Posted 3:37 PM by Lambchop

Philippe for America



Fallujah is in the midst of being bombed to smithereens, and Amputee America increases its membership. Recently, I had a chance to meet Achewood's Philippe. Philippe's spirited campaign for President mandated everybody not smoking and being happy. This is clearly no match for having less money and fewer limbs!

Inspired by this vision, Helen and I got together for an emergency summit. We compared bruises and prescriptions. We watched the surgery channel. For three hours. We know how to fix America- it should eat fewer Fritos! Sometimes it just seems like Helen and I should form our own island nation. We agree on so many things, like the basic hottness of Jude Law and the right of brown people to exist. In our country, there would be a Clam Sandwich for everyone. But this dream will have to wait, because we care about YOU. Even now we are gluing rhinestones to black armbands so you can let the postman know that you oppose crimes against humanity. Plus they will look really cool and we promise if you wear one you will get laid. A lot.

-xo

Posted 11:45 AM by Lambchop

Stand and Deliver (in the rear)



Vomitola staff would like to apologize for the little news blackout over the last few days. We found ourselves on a most compelling ether jag, but then we realized it was all apparently real. Unfortunately, this isn't like the time we woke up covered in half-melted Gummi Worms with packing tape wrapped around all the light sources in the house.* It's far, far worse.

To catch our readers up, the Adam and the Ants party, while not victorious on Tuesday, did stage a coup wherein the Morrisseys were banished to Canada. The final straw apparently came when the Morrisseys enlisted their would-be Secretary of State, Nick Cave, to change America's national anthem to "The Weeping Song." Adam himself issued a statement calling the Morrisseys "a bunch of bloody wankers."

The Adam and the Ants faction has stolidly opted for fight rather than flight, and their members are increasing national visibility by wearing black stripes under one eye and rhinestone-encrusted black armbands.**

We at Vomitola would like to extend our solemn pledge to continue being absolutely ridiculous even in the face of these trying times. Sure, we've shined up our ACLU cards and resigned ourselves to another few years of MoveOn emails, but we remain committed to living out our elaborate fantasy lives starring musty pop stars, enjoying all the sodomy we can handle, and being astonished by obesity. What good is living in a blue state if we can't do that?

Yours,
the queens of the wild frontier


*true story
**soon to be available for purchase right here at Vomitola.com

Posted 8:58 AM by Licketysplit

from Anniversary Poem, John Greenleaf Whittier

But now the cross our worthies bore
On us is laid;
Profession's quiet sleep is o'er,
And in the scale of truth once more
Our faith is weighed.

Posted 2:37 PM by Licketysplit

Ouija Board, Ouija Board





Morrissey calls election for Jon Stewart.

The staff apologizes for the recent lack of updates, but we were crumpled in a drunken heap on the floor. Some call it a black out, we call it a power nap. Now we're tanned, rested, and ready. Hello Cleveland!

The rest of the Morrisseys are temporarily at bay, stymied by a broomstick through the door handles. We are like to crawl under the bed, such are our nerves frayed by the existence of the entire middle and south of the country. Sure, they have a right to exist, but we have a right to be utterly boggled.

Posted 11:17 PM by Licketysplit

Afraid of Americans?





Things are getting pretty crazy here at Morrissey headquarters. The Morrisseys are uniformly UNINTERESTED IN BUSH. Go figure. Adam and the Ants were eventually driven back by handfuls of confetti and a rousing rendition of "Reel Around the Fountain". We were then favored by a visit from


PANTS!

Mr. Bowie feels that we need more feminine sophistication in this election, and offered to preside. It's a walk-off, everybody!

Posted 3:58 PM by Lambchop

The Things That Dreams Are Made Of



Licketysplit here, reporting that The Adam and the Ants Party was not pacified by Dick Cheney wrapping a neck tie around his forehead on CNN, although it was a valiant effort. After they all got through waiting in line to vote, they opted to sit and have lunch.



I conducted an exit poll with the Human League, and, unsurprisingly, they are staunchly backing asymmetrical haircuts.

The Kerry camp responded in kind:



I did not get a sticker when I voted, so I am relying on going topless to get my point across.

Posted 1:12 PM by Licketysplit

Morrissey the Vote!



Morrissey has spoken of his fear and loathing of Bush and the Regime of Darkness. So I decided to join the Morrissey Camp for Election Day. And that's "camp" with a capital "C"! Their party banner "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", seems to refer to a desire to ban war, meat consumption, and tedious people at parties! The Morrisseys are casting their votes for Kerry en masse, and advocating the return of lillies and dramatic dancing.

We were just enjoying a round of Earl Grey, when news broke of a rival faction! Moz headquarters are currently being protested by The Adam and the Ants Party.



They are crying out for the nation to "Stand and Deliver!" And while they, too, support Kerry, unlike the Morrisseys they favor extravagant neckwear and sexuality. Vote your conscience!

Back to you in the trenches!

Posted 11:48 AM by Lambchop

Get Out the Vomitola: 2004



Well, I voted at 7 a.m. with all the old people. A nice little old lady checked my name off the list, but not without a fight. "Oh, are you Cheryl?" Cheryl is my upstairs neighbor. I peeked at the sheet, and Cheryl was registered as a Republican. "No, Cheryl will still be in bed. She drinks, you know. I wonder if she'll try to vote drunk. You should really stop her."



Lambchop winged her way to New York City to court the Morrissey vote and the multiple personality vote with Violet Shuraka and our own Manuel on the Street. I went to New Hampshire to heckle people holding Bush signs. Later I may Photoshop myself holding a newspaper that announces that John Kerry has won the election.

Watch this space all day today, as we'll be bringing you live coverage as our drinking schedule permits. I'm on my way up to Cheryl's now.

In the meantime, check out Project Vote Smart to find out about other candidates and ballot measures in your area. If you're in Massachusetts, find your voting location.

Posted 8:53 AM by Licketysplit

Pensées de Melvin sur une société démocratique



L'invalide est un parasite sur la société. Dans un certain état il est indécent pour continuer à vivre.

(The invalid is a parasite on society. In a certain state it is indecent to go on living.)

Posted 1:42 PM by Licketysplit