That's Entertainment!



This is Bob. I can't really tell you what happened to Bob but I can tell you it was a lot of fun and you should all go and see "Pony Trouble" when it disgraces your local porn theater. The shoot continues to go swimmingly and I have actually picked up some tips for the scripts I am working on. Pine Valley here I come!

In other news, the Smugglers and I did Rollerskating II (electric boogaloo). I love to whirl around the rink, but I think I will never learn to skate backwards. Which is strange, because that's how I do pretty much everything else. The teen girls at the rink are a frightening species. You take one look at their mean, kohled eyes and their protruding thongs and you know that giving blowjobs is right up next to having a slice of pizza and kicking some bitches ass, in the list of their Saturday night activities. My Saturday night on the other hand included Taco Bell, Orange Julius, and trying on new tiaras at Claire's Accessories. Maybe I am just simple!

-xo

Posted 1:22 PM by Lambchop

My cup runneth over

A client just asked me to move the "FPO" stamped on an image by two pixels. Motherfucking fucker. I asked if it was worth me charging another hour to the project, and he agreed that it was not. I am so glad rational heads prevailed.

Working at home would be great if it weren't for the work. Although there is something to be said for answering the phone in one's underwear. Sammich time!

Posted 2:55 PM by Licketysplit

I had a dream



I was looking out the window at a squalid landscape of abandoned factories and railroad tracks. Maybe I lived in Baltimore! An inner city elementary school field trip happened to walk by, lead by two well-meaning white thirty-seven-year-olds wearing Tevas. The female teacher was trying to get the kids excited about the artistic style of the graffiti, but the kids were slouching and scowling and pulling their pants up so they could walk. There were mutterings from the class that art is "gay."

Lady teacher asks "But what about Spanish artists, don't you like them?"

"I'm motherfucking Puerto Rican, you bitch!" yelled the last kid in the line.

The male teacher pipes in "What about GOYA, he made some badass shit!"

Lady teacher says "Spanish people sure do love GOYA. They eat it for dinner. How crazy is that?"

And the two teachers laughed together, and the kids hucked rocks from the railroad bed at them.

***

I woke up going: Damn, damn, damn.

Posted 8:29 AM by Licketysplit

A Random Incident of Some Implication, told in script form
by Lambchop

Girl on sidewalk: ummm, my friend and I want to know- what band does Sebastian Bach belong to?

me: Skid Row.

Was she making fun of me?

Posted 3:20 PM by Lambchop

It's in the Can



Shooting is underway for My Little Porny or Pony Girls, or whatever this movie ends up being called. I play Eve, a psychotic and pouty goth-ish girl who, spoiled by easy circumstances and bored out of existence, heads a thrill cult obsessed with My Little Pony. And things just go awry from there. It has been a lot of fun so far, and there is a lot of talent on this low-fi set. The scenes we have shot so far involve a lot of twitching, screaming, and looking creepy. My acting experience is not much but heaven knows, I excel at those things! And Jude, love, if you are reading, you may be my date for the premier, no? What's that, "still married?" Well, I'll call next week. I wonder what James Spader is doing?

Oh where was I? Reality calls! I am thinking of taking a sabbatical from gainful employ, in order to work on painting, to apply for genius grants, and to answer all those desperate pleas for my work, my attention, my opinions! Once I have had some time to finish this dazzling new body of work, and ruin someone's life, I will be ready enough to consider working again. This time around I want to work in television! We need more incest and underwear on the airwaves! And startling deeds done in impossible footwear. I would share some of my tele-vision with you, but you horrible people will steal all of my ideas. Screw you! Fiends! Churls!

(The part of Lambchop will now be played by Andrea Evans.- ed)



-xo

Posted 1:28 PM by Lambchop

Wad.com

The secret to my better mood is palming things off on other people. Why did I not think of this weeks ago? Hours ago? I thought of it, and that is really all that matters. There I was, staring at the bottom of my second or third giant glass of Singha, and it hit me: outsource. So that's the plan, man. First with the cleaning service and the ghostwriter and the ethicist, and now I ain't doing nothing for nobody no more. That sentence included so many negatives that I can't possibly divine the true meaning of what I said, but that's just the point - I don't have to anymore. Someone in India was on it eleven hours ago. Because that's their day time or something. I'll get a fax, and I'll let you know what I said. Don't create, facillitate.

On a sidenote, I did fire my ethicist after being advised against throwing a total snit while sprawling in the sunny spot on the floor. The hell she said.

Posted 8:56 PM by Licketysplit

La volonté de puissance



Nous avons ainsi beaucoup de raisons d'être des hermites, mais quelqu'un doit régner.

(We have so many reasons to be hermits, but someone must prevail.)

Posted 9:53 PM by Licketysplit

Je regrette une chose



Dieu sait qu'elle ne m'a jamais donné un regard fâché, ou a poussé un mot de reproche. Quel est le résultat? Que je ne l'aime pas!

(God knows she has never given me one angry look, or uttered one word of reproach. What is the result? That I don't love her!)

Posted 7:39 PM by Licketysplit

Playing Nice



There are Machiavellian shenanigans going on here at the office. Think "War of the Roses". I am going to go mad, mad I tell you! I cannot give a proper vent to my feelings on the person who is causing me such ire, but I tell you that the treatment I currently have the pleasure of is like being forced to line dance while wearing a diaper full of broken glass. I wake up knowing that the only thing on my plate are cold lima beans. So, to the individual who is daily urinating on my cake, I say Fick dich du verdammter Arschloch! Deine Mutter ist 'ne Hure!! Lutsch Schwanz in der Hoelle! Stirb! Stirb! Stirb! Maybe it is time to consider a new career. Meaning, *a* career. As luck would have it, I am in the midst of negotiations for a portrait commission. If all goes well, I will be jetting off to Berlin in a matter of weeks, to make two paintings, pocket some Euros, and have a bit of Spaetzle and vacation.

For now, I am going to go outside and scream at traffic.

-xo

Posted 1:00 PM by Lambchop

International Hulk

I asked my ethicist if it was mean to throw my keys across the room at someone even if I didn't hit him on purpose because I am gifted in all ways, including throwing control. The ethicist said I should blame Canada, because the squabble was about exchange rates. Apparently that is known as "mitigating circumstances." Fair enough!

I'm glad I retain a paid staff to give me opinions that agree with my own.

I am watching the Olympics. One dude just hell of fell off something. Then another dude with a moustache did not. The male gymnasts should wear those outfits the swimming guys wear. Gymnasty!

Posted 11:16 PM by Licketysplit

Rouge Rising Star


Last week's entertainment brought us to the opening the very talented Scarlet Harlot, our own Julie Lohnes, at the Chase Gallery on Newbury Street. I lay on the pink velvet, I walked barefoot on the installation. Miss Lohnes, like me, delves into the Secret Life of Women. This work will seduce you with pinks and fleshy colored wax that beckons with sultry, amorphic forms. Something revolting is at the same time revealed to us in the presence of so much pink crushed velvet, like the cheap evening gown of a stripper, upon whose pillowy softness you are invited to tread. This work approaches tackiness and beauty with such care that they are not to be extricated from one another. The luxury here is inevitably louche and mysterious.

Straight up our alley!

We celebrated with Red Splendour martinis, made of pomegranate and vodka. They made my mouth sticky.

-xo

P.S. It's funny when cats fall down and attack children.

Posted 10:52 AM by Lambchop

The Thumbless Man, by Manuel on the Street

Editor's note: We are pleased to debut a new feature from a special correspondent. He writes under a pseudonym to protect his sensitive position as confidant to the dregs of humanity, but should he feel comfortable coming forth to claim his rightful laurels, our staff will vouch for his identity.



Well, I've certainly blundered tonight. Seems I fell asleep around 9 p.m. after putting the apartment to rights and will now be hopelessly wide eyed until the early morning hours. The only benefit I can see in this current situation is that it has given me yet another opportunity to witness the nocturnal shenanigans of some of the more degenerate persons that appear to be loosely employed by the landlords of the surrounding buildings.

Just now, while smoking on the porch, I was confronted yet again by The Thumbless Man, whose shadowy visage made its way deliberately shambling towards me through the alleyway. It seems this man recently managed to sever the better part of his right thumb from his hand in some maintenance attempt gone tragically awry. Actually, who knows...perhaps he did it deliberately, solely for the sake of perverse conversation fodder, for an upcoming father/spawn day at the school of one of his unholy offspring.

Anyway, he has proudly shown off his injury to my lady companion in the past while she had the audacity to attempt to have a private phone conversation on the porch. From her description, it seems that "doctors," or perhaps a gin-felled acquaintance of his, managed to reattach the thing in a makeshift fashion using a handful of pushpins and cellophane tape so that he might proudly display his will to triumph over deformity to all he stumbles upon as they try their best to ensure that he will not, under any circumstance, be allowed to engage them in conversation.

Luckily tonight I spotted him before he could notice me and watched as he staggered determinedly about the various refuse filled alcoves of the adjacent building. I am certain that I heard him urinating at one point and perhaps solitarily throwing dice against a wall at another. Inevitably he detected my presence and made his approach. Pausing very briefly in front of me, he uttered the following undeniable observation whilst wiping some sort of unpleasantness from his wounded appendage.

"Getting late..."

His tone was so fraught with meaning that I was at once filled with horrible imaginings of what he could be preparing to do once it actually fully "got late," and, flustered by these thoughts, all I could manage was a pathetic "yup" at which point, his mission accomplished, he disappeared around the corner.

This man's story deserves far more attention than this but I cannot currently bring myself to engage him in a conversation which might allow me to retell it here.

Oh well...I recently saw a documentary on the Food Network about the history of pies. That was pretty good I guess.

Posted 8:29 AM by Licketysplit

Review, developments, toying with emotions

Local Cambodian restaurant "pretty good."

Also: new traffic personal best of 29 minutes from my house to rockstar parking (at a broken meter!) on Newbury Street. New personal worst on the way home: 1 hour and forty-five minutes. No fault of my own.

Today was National Underwear Day. I hope it was pleasing to you. Maybe next week I will make that rude picture I was planning.

Posted 8:42 PM by Licketysplit

How the Other Halves Live



The past few days have found me in the unlikeliest of places. For Mr. Anderson's birthday on Sunday, I put on sneakers and went to Six Flags. I am one of those people that enjoy rides. Ahem. If there were a ride called "Operation Station" in which you spun in a centrifuge while having a kidney removed, I would queue up, clapping my hands. I did "Superman: Ride of Steel" twice, once plummeting into the mist cave in the dark. Awesome! A beautiful sunny Sunday in a theme park does have its dark side- The People. Inbreeding apparently still abounds in western Mass. There was a cloud of extra chromosomes hovering over a good portion of the thrillseekers. You have not lived until you have seen a raft weighted down by The Specialtons, all waving their sausage arms and hooting down the log flume. At the very end we all rode the carousel together, eating caramel apples and feeling as though life can furnish nothing greater than a stuffed leopard, your laughing friends, and a calliope. And Batman.

Yesterday I went to my very first ever Red Sox game at Fenway Park. There I truly felt like an imposter, an intruding interloping outsider. Because I have lived here and there around this fair city for years, always skirting Fenway and its loud, "R"-omitting, keg tapping, date rapers. I have kamikaze'd through game time traffic on my bike, and borne the loud talking, red-faced crowds on the T. I have endured their insults and their odors. So strange to be among them. My firm had a luxury box for a company summer outing. So the hot dogs were all catered and such. Our names appeared first up on the big screen in the 7th Inning Stretch. There was little else to enjoy beyond gluttony, nice weather, and an old ballpark, as the Red Sox, true to form, lost 8-3. I got a ride home from the Big Boss in his BMW cabrio. Now that's surreal.

-xo

Posted 1:40 PM by Lambchop

Like it's my job

I spent an hour yesterday making a Flash movie of belts opening and shutting. Now, that should sell the hell out of some belts. Or not. Did I mention I work by the hour? Therefore it is not in my best financial interest to dissuade clients from some of the more retarded things they want. I usually do though, because I have some shred of decency. I must have been a buddha in a past life. That buddha did something horrible, like covet a handbag at Saks, and here I am. I'll never get that hour of my life back, but that hour has transmuted into overpriced jeans and the Nouvelle Vague CD, which is splendid.

I realized I have wasted most of my summer working on some truly awful projects. I'm the girl who can't say no. Although I did spend last weekend in New Hampshire for a bachelorette party. The things that go on! I am sworn not to repeat any of it, but clearly I am not the only one who can't say no. I did take a weensy bit of video. It may have to return for National Underwear Day, but I think I need to make people sign releases first. All this buildup about NUD, and have I even started what I was planning on making? No. Because I am an idea person, not an action person. Unfortunately, both Lambchop and I are idea people. Consultants!

Posted 9:09 AM by Licketysplit

The Way We Were...



Look at us as tender tots. An innocent parade of undies? No! The impertinent slatterns already show their true colors! Speaking of sluttish behavior, many of you have asked if we are concerned about breaking the law by disseminating pornographic materials. We had a little meeting. We decided that just as a tree falling in the woods makes no sound if no one is there to hear it, a picture is only obscene when you start putting your hands in your pockets. So keep 'em where we can see 'em!

Last night I was falling asleep in front of Dirty Pretty Things (drum fill, please) and swearing to everyone who called me that I was not going out. But upon the insistence of Mr. Drinks (his actual name), I was slipping into spiked heels and a stripey top and off we were. When I am dancing at two in the morning to "Sheila Take a Bow" and tipsy on Long Island Iced Tease, I feel the happiness of defying my age, my job, and all sense of responsibility. Maybe that"s complete crap, but haven't you ever thrown your homework onto the fire?

-xo

P.S. guess which one of us is which and win a Hyundai Etcetera!

Posted 11:17 AM by Lambchop

Bottoming out



I thought I was having a fairly productive week, but now that I look around, the fresh flowers are dead, the mail has piled up, and there is nothing to eat in this joint but a dubiously speckled banana! Luckily the "domestic assistant" will be by later. I also missed the dry cleaning pick up because I was hopping around trying to put on pants, so I suppose it's either drive there myself or decree that Mr. H purchase all new clothes to wear next week. Damn, damn, damn. Oh, and then there's the little drinking problem I caught from Lambchop. It seems we have flavored coffee in the kitchen! I am bad at life!

But what I really want to talk about is fat goths. Dan Savage just knocked it out of the park on this one.

Finally, if you can't let go of your beautiful-pretend-dead-woman fantasy, and if paying for it is a turn-off, check out the local goth scene in your area, as some of those girls might not be too spooked by your fantasy. But there's always a catch: I've never actually seen an extremely beautiful goth girl myself — most of them seem to have weight problems, which has always struck me as strangely contradictory. From the neck up, the look cultivated by goth girls seems to say, "O, we despair of this world and long for the sweet embrace of death!" From the neck down, their look seems to say, "I'll take the bacon cheeseburger, two orders of fries, and a Diet Coke, please."

The Diet Coke just slays me! Because last night, in further bad at life developments, we had Burger King. Of course I got a Diet Coke, jerk.

Posted 9:19 AM by Licketysplit

Getting Awesome



I got my hand caught in an elevator door today, and the passengers inside did not hit "doors open" right away, preferring to leave me stuck and twisting in pain. Sneaker 'n' Suit wearing Bastards.

I can't wait until I move to New York, and can get my hand stuck in more affluent places. Actually I was thinking of moving on to my former home town, Jersey City. Then the Creator would truly have the last laugh, as I always swore that city is a hell to which I would never return. Actually, it's kind of cute and has a movie theater now. So they say.

The main thing I need to get famous, and stop drinking flavored coffee in this air conditioned facsimile of purgatory. But my Boston sell-by date has not yet arrived. For now, my immediate plans include making boys wear makeup, and making paintings of them. Oh and eating another cookie.

Byeeee!

Posted 2:10 PM by Lambchop

What what?

Well, it's August 5th. This is mostly significant because it's the day before the milk in the fridge reaches its sell-by date. It is also significant because with each passing day, we draw closer to National Underwear Day. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am by what we have planned here at Vomitola.

So that's about it. I am sitting on the deck sucking up electrons and watching the brawny workers across the street. The cat just puked awfully close to my shoe, and did you ever solve something very difficult and just want to let someone know how awesome you are even though the other party won't begin to understand? Well, I'm awesome.

The cops just pulled up in front of the house! This is not related to my awesomeness.

Posted 1:44 PM by Licketysplit

Take me to your Leader

Licketysplit is out valiantly supporting kerry in the wake of the havoc caused by Democracy in this quarter. You should see her out there in the 90 degree heat in her chainmail and armor, brandishing sword and shield, and passing out flyers. It seems that Mr. Bush wants to appoint a fellow to the FDA's council on women's health who opposes contraception, and favors prayer as a PMS remedy. Lord have mercy on anyone in our vicinity should that become a practice!

These are trying times. So I did what any respectable leader would do and I went on vacation. In Provincetown, the lavendar capital of Massachusetts, I climbed out on the breakers in platforms, ate lots of CLAM, and got my picture taken with Kandi Kane, who said I was a caution. Then I ended up in the tattoo parlor chair, at long last to get a sailor tattoo with a lambchop motif, but they threw me out. Apparently it is against policy to ink anyone who is stinking drunk and puking on the tiles. Well, i will be back! After all, one of my oldest college friends (looks like Bernadette Peters!) summers there with her swell mate. And it was beautiful and there are many more places I wish to be thrown out of.

To sum up, to Licketsplit's message of "don't vote for that shithead", I would like to add "don't vote for that shithead". Or you will find me from here on out on the cape, sailing up and down Commercial Street on an electric scooter with a 7 foot tall Cher-a-like.

-xo

Posted 1:08 PM by Lambchop

Branded

Last night I dreamed I was on a train, but terrorists hopped on and threatened to blow it up. That's scary! So I asked them if they really thought they were spinning their message so that the average American could understand just why they were upset. They scratched their heads, so I seized the opportunity and continued explaining targeted media buys and market segmentation. They had NO concept of the real purpose of their organization, just some hastily envisioned objectives. That's fine, but without a purpose, it's hard to generate Measurable Business Results and determine success metrics. So we let everyone off the train and worked on a high level strategy document, and that's how I become a consultant, working out of an abandoned storm drain in Topeka or somewhere like that.

We realized there was no consistent face of the organization besides Bin Laden, and he did not test well in focus groups, especially in the midwest. Also, people were having a hard time pronouncing Al Qaeda, so we went with the more youthful "AQ." We also tapped a high visibility spokesperson in the form of Shaq. Shaq for AQ: it's a no-brainer. With a series of billboards and radio commercials, the average American's awareness of the specifics of the Arab world's gripes with the US became heightened. We also launched a product line of jeans and aftershave, moving them out of the pure service category. I finally got to meet Katie Couric, and I wore the best pair of shoes on Oprah. In an unprecedented response to a direct mailing, The American people rose up and exiled GW Bush to an island overrun with feral pigs. And AQ forget all about killing people and extended their brand to previously untapped markets in China.

I totally cleaned up at the IPO.

Posted 10:59 AM by Licketysplit

All fired up

Go to White House West and watch the Will Ferrell video. I almost wet my pants. Soooo good.

Subservient President
Yes, like the chicken. My favorites are "avoid military service, drive drunk, ruin the environment, kick the prisoner, and steal the election." Oh, and "pick nose." I tried "bitch slap the twins," but no luck.

The ethicist refuses to tell me if having ice cream after my low carb dinner is unethical! I am sure it is no more unethical than this vat of booze in which I am swimming.

-xxoo

Posted 9:03 PM by Licketysplit