Democracy Run Riot



As most of you know, who aren't toothless imbeciles still glorying in the day when Grandaddy Bush sent you three hundred bucks, Boston has been host to the Democratic National Convention this week. And aside from Clinton's dazzling speech "TCB, Takin' care of business, baby" and an amazing speech by tv's Brak, it was surprisingly uneventful until today. You could tell people were getting anxious with all the strip searches and bag checking and helicopters flying overhead. Then the Ohio delegates tried to purchase some soft pretzels from a cart and they were SOLD OUT! A briefcase dropped to the ground and fell open like the shot heard round the world, and all hell broke loose. Ties were thrown to the wind, hats flew in the air. It was only a matter of time before the actual looting began. So if you planned to come to Beantown this weekend, don't. Stay safely at home and sing God Bless America. I am off to Provincetown to enjoy a lavendar weekend on a beach, dancing with crossdressers.

-xo

Licketysplit reports:
I was right outside the Fleet Center when this kerfuffle errupted. There was trampling and screaming and amateur fires being set. When the dust finally settled, the crowd gasped to see John Edwards and Mayor Menino sinking their teeth into the ropey neck of a hippy! John Edwards' wife was so shocked that she went into labor on the spot, delivering their eleventh child with the aid of the Sausage Guy. Edwards immediately sued the Sausage Guy.

The nominees escaped to their waiting tour bus via a hijacked 7 News Copter. The remaining scene was grim, ladies and gentlemen. Last I saw, people were just whaling on each other with the uprooted Make Way for Ducklings statues.

BUT I'M STILL VOTING DEMMYCRAT.

Posted 11:19 AM by Lambchop

Love at first sight

Faustus posted this hilarious link to Lurid Digs, which showcases the decorating inadequacies of amateur gay porn. Needless to say, you may not wish to open this at work, although the first page is tame enough.

These hopeless people and their overstuffed naugahyde couches reminded me of a depressing hobby from a few years back. My pet monster at the time worked for an online personal ad service, and this service allowed users to send in photos to be scanned into their ads, as this was 1998 or so, before all Americans were issued camera phones.

Pictures would trickle in each week, and he would bring them home for me to gleefully rifle through. We'd dive into the envelopes, exclaiming at the backdrops of inflatable furniture, play pens, and bean bag chairs. Didn't people know they should "stage" their room before taking the picture? At least move that stack of TV Guides and the bottle of spray cheese! It's the least you could do in your quest to ensnare a new mate. Well, that and wearing a shirt and shoes.

I'd scan these in, rotating and cropping to bring some sense of order to their terrible worlds. I'd zot specks of dandruff and lint, make subtle adjustments to the color balance to improve the complexion, and perhaps even blur crow's feet here and there. Nothing too unrealistic, but clearly they needed all the help they could get.

At first it was fun to laugh at these people and their hideous draperies and wallpaper borders, the unmitigated squalor in which they lived. The poor choice in attire alone, the missing teeth, the occasional blacked out ex-lover's face. But every now and then, I'd run across some hollow-eyed old man pictured next to an old woman, and on the back it would say something like "You can crop Gladys out, she has passed away."

The healing brush in Photoshop is really a misnomer.

Posted 1:58 PM by Licketysplit

Cut it out!



Poor Mary-Kate Olsen. Now that she's out of her treatment program, I would like to personally apologize to her for going to a Halloween party as "Mary-Kate and Ashley: After the Laughter" five years ago.

A friend and I wore pigtails and matching pink marabou trimmed tops, which we purchased at Kids 'r' Us. We wore Betty Ford i.d. tags and toted pints of Southern Comfort in little see-through (also marabou trimmed) purses (convenient!). We really stood out in that sea of togas and sexy witches/cats. I can't remember if I was Mary-Kate or Ashley, but I had a hand print carefully painted on my neck and track marks. My friend had a black eye and more track marks. People either loved or hated the concept, but I must say it was one of my better ideas. Better than that dork who walked around with copies of his resume stapled to his shirt as a "dotcom employee."

So buck up, MK. At least it didn't turn out *that* badly. You've never worked for a dotcom. And now you are a billionaire, and no one will ever make you wear shortalls and floppy hats again. I will send you a Hickory Farms gift basket if you leave your address in the comments!

Posted 1:50 PM by Licketysplit

Friends like these



Dear Kitty Winn,

I'm always on the outside looking in. I try to get people to like me, by making sure to say friendly hellos several times a day and buying them gifts. If I see a friend online, I always chat them up and involve them in my life. But even though I give and give, I am not always invited places. Sometimes I think people even leave the room when I appear. It's enough to make me want to stay home and get really fat. What should I do to get people to like the real me?

-Insecure in Iowa

Dear Hamhock in Hell,

Social acceptability requires a thing called finesse. The Unabomber understood the power of the unwanted gift, so why can't you? Making and maintaining friendships involves finding people with similar interests unfolding them slowly over time. Some people will begin to share your concerns and others will probably find you a bore and tell you to sod off. The trick is to distinguish the two, and cultivate the former. Unbelievable as it may sound, there truly is someone for just about everyone. Even ugly people!

Being a popular party guest, on the other hand, requires a knack for mixing drinks and a wit sharp enough to slice a wedge of lime. Enjoy your Ding Dongs.

Love,
kitty

Posted 3:37 PM by Licketysplit

Stocky

Dear Ethicist: If my client's organization is populated by ugly people, is it insulting to present comps featuring stock photography of the attractive? Why is there no "FrumpBank" for images of the appearance challenged? Surely the ugly people of America want to see people just like them getting their oil changed, lounging on carpet, or golfing. They'll identify more!

I guess I should just schedule a photo shoot featuring actual members. In the meantime, I have stamped FPO over the more comely faces.

-Squirming Uncomfortably

Posted 9:44 AM by Licketysplit

A Visit from the Germans




Six o'clock Saturday morning found me seated on my bed, eating olives, fresh from another crazy tequila night at Violet and A's place. Just as I was sliding into some paranoid dream involving robots and spilling olive oil onto my bed, my phone rang and it was Anne, my roommate from Berlin. She is Das Model and she's in New York eating cocktail weenies with Vince Gallo and Leo DiCaprio. Within hours we met at the Chinatown gate and spent the afternoon sifting for thrift store goods. The great thing about shopping with Germans, is speaking German. You can say things like "look at this disgusting milk cow standing next to us- if she brushes me with her chin hair, I am going to scream", or openly discuss shoplifting, and no one is the wiser.

Saturday night was a rager. When the bars get out, throngs of the socially diseased litter the sidewalks, still trying to get off with each other. Das Model and I shoved our way like deranged pirate hookers through the human flotsam. Some brazen fellow tried his luck all "hey there, pretty lady' with Violet and I threw him to the curb. That's what happens when you start spending lots of time with the Germans. At Violet and A's house, we watched Brett Anderson being all hot, and then Blixa Bargeld being less hot. We are also trying to sign A on as a new Vomitola correspondent in bitterness, and he seems game, but he would not model any underwear for us.

I am not allowed to discuss the Underwear Scene that Licketysplit and I had at Target until after the court date.

Sad it was, parting with the lovely Anne at midnight in Chinatown. But hopefully I shall return the visit soon, and soggily offering lapdances to Johnny Depp. All for your entertainment of course, vomitoleers!

-xo

Posted 12:13 PM by Lambchop

Out there

Yesterday I went to the airport. Mr. H and I watched planes take off, and we had chowder. There is a recording of the mayor's voice playing over the moving walkways from central parking. You can hardly tell what he's saying. Something about art and food. Maybe. Mummmm mmmm mumm mumm AHT mmmm mum.

After the airport, I went to meet Lambchop at Target. We took the underwear section for all it was worth. We are not allowed back in that particular Target.



Then I had work to do, so I went home and worked until it was rather late. I checked to see if Mr. H's flight had arrived yet, and it had not. But the real time radar refreshed automatically, so a window would pop up and show me where he was. It was like I were flying too! He was there, and then there, and even there. And not here to make me coffee this morning. I make really shitty coffee.

-xxoo

Posted 10:11 AM by Licketysplit

Newsworthy

Last night Mr. H and I went to the Lowell Folk Festival. Folk is the city's code for "ethnic," so there weren't any jugbands playing or cut outs of farmers bending over for sale. We ate delicious meats on sticks and listened to a singer who sounded just like Tom Waits. We enjoyed ourselves unironically. Anything is possible with enough beer and fried dough. We even saw a dachshaund, swaying gently to a salsa beat.

What's in our pants today:

Posted 5:06 PM by Licketysplit

Lifting the Skirt On Fashion



The joy of underpants does not belong to man alone. Who knows how long this celebration of underwear will go on?! Licketysplit and I have been popping our corks all day long.

Posted 3:11 PM by Lambchop

Underwear, it's everywhere. But mostly underneath.



UnderFest 2004 continues!

Some underwear facts, via Freshpair.com:
It would take nearly 7.5 trillion pairs of men's large briefs to cover Texas. To put that in perspective, that's enough underwear to wrap around the earth 179,115 times.

During the 1700s women and men wore chemises, which were elongated shirts with short sleeves. Underpants were not common, even among the upper classes. (See, Lambchop and I are of the highest class!)

Men spend about $3.4 billion annually on underwear; women spend about $8.6 billion.

I am crafting a line of Vomitola logo thongs, so you should save your pennies until the blessed day people stop bothering me long enough so that I might finish the design. Lindsay Lohan's people are not calling me back about the co-branding idea. How strange.

Posted 10:01 AM by Licketysplit

We Got What You Need...



...and apparently you need Panties. So here we are, your favorite evil twins, in our skivvs. Lickety is as usual bumping me off to the side, (attention)whore that she is. Hrmm, actually I believe that's me on the right, but who can tell with such things? Anyway, our dear readers want knickers, dainties, underwear, bloomers, britches, woolies, unmentionables. So today is an open call for pictures, poems, and actual pants.

P.S. do not send us actual pants.

-xo

Posted 10:30 AM by Lambchop

Who wants to know?

Everyone is a pervert. You should all stop using Google, although I am amazed at how many of these terms we legitimately discussed. If you can call discussion of gum jobs legitimate.

gumjobs, monkey horse, dance fever, jennifer anniston toes, horse love, russian go go bar new jersey, workhouse treadmill charleston (ed.- from our fitness for orphans series), envy kitty, snappy garage sale slogan.

discredited, swan love spoon, questionaire about snack, pictures of beverly d'angelo wearing panties, renting things for parties like moon bounces, lindsay lohan's fingernails, find translation patch to english for pokemon fire red, hulk tylenol, kiss harz mallet, dance jazz thong tard, hamster exfoliate.

anal leakage hot peppers, calories in maker's mark, vomitola.com, putains, paula abdul bulimia, plastic wrap asphyxiation, kitty dukakis furniture, getting rid of chipmunks in new hampshire, short stories swinging speedos, meredith baxter burney (sic) nude, word mail merge albatross, zookeeper ergonomics, cats love cilantro, slimming wedding poses, the meaning behind she's a brick house.

pictures of lindsay lohan's underpants (ed.- she does not have to be wearing them, apparently), tina louise without makeup, what happened to kitty winn, what would david bowie do, openly masturbating, thong underwear opinions, rent an elephant, cruising fens + boston, photos of lizzie mcguire hairstyles.

Posted 5:49 PM by Licketysplit

What *is it* that Makes Guns Seem So Appealing These Days?



Ever feel like you got off on the wrong train, like, on the wrong planet?  Maybe that is why I keep having to move around.  You spend too much time in one place, and barnacles begin to colonize.  That, and you find you have slept with everyone.  I love this pretty little town, and quite a few of the people in it, but this Lambchop was destined for bigger things.  So while Licketysplit is having her day ghostwritten (a concept yet more fresh and novel than my get rich quick idea of a service plan in which you pay someone to communicate thoughtfully to others for you!). While she plots world domination from the kiddie pool*, I will be locked in my studio, not just making work but hatching schemes.  Hopefully Five Years will see me having 5 ounces of salad opposite David Bowie.  
 
I am going to go ice skating and think about it. 
 
*I emailed her to ask if someone was ghost writing her replies to me.  the answer came back "maybe!"  Chilling!
 
-xo

Posted 4:13 PM by Lambchop

It takes a village

By my estimate, I engage the services of a dentist, an orthodontist/cosmetic dentist, a doctor, a lady parts doctor, a hairstylist, a colorist, a lawyer, an accountant, a financial advisor, the occasional cleaning help, a tailor, a trainer, a mechanic, an insurance agent, and now a ghostwriter. How did this happen? I am an invalid, incapable of all but ordering plane tickets on line. And preparing recipes that do not require fine chopping.

The ghostwriter will be undertaking all of my personal correspondence, starting today. For a monthly retainer, she will be writing this journal, commenting on the journals of others, answering my emails, and generally insulating me from the public. I have ordered a rubber stamp of my signature. I feel like Kostabi!

If only I could have her go to the gym for me. And the bathroom. I'll be in Phuket if anyone needs me.

Posted 11:08 AM by Licketysplit

Very revealing

Fridge not cooling well
was the cottage cheese not right
only time will tell

Posted 12:16 PM by Licketysplit

Is she poor?

As I was traipsing through the financial district the other day on my way to see my trusted financial advisor, I ran into a fan. No, no, not as shit runs into a fan. I am insulted you would even think that. An actual Vomitola aficionado. This fan recognized me, and then, as fans will often do, asked for an autograph before proceeding to tell me that lately this has been a forum for nothing but pictures of dogs and babies.

That's true! Guilty as charged. Our public will not be satisfied until Lambchop manages to impregnate me atop a grand piano in the town square. Until such time as nature allows, I leave you with a filthy little story. It is a cautionary tale for any of you who are "pre rich."

** As told by Mr. H **

So a buddy of mine in college was dating this new girl, and his friend Carl asked him how it was going. So J. says "It's cool, we have fun. The only thing is she doesn't have a good job, and her family can't give her any money. So I pay for everything when we do stuff."

And Carl says "So she's poor, huh?

"Yeah, I guess, she's kind of poor."

Carl thinks for a minute. Then he says "You know what you should do?"

J asks "What?"

Carl says "You should fuck her in the ass."

J. says "Because she's poor?"

And Carl says "Yeah, man, hell yeah."

So that's what happens to poor chicks.

Posted 4:07 PM by Licketysplit

Some of us are professionals



It really is all in the wrist.

Posted 10:06 AM by Licketysplit

Just because I am a Bad Person, doesn't make me a Bad Person



The list of persons who aren't speaking to me just grows and grows. For much of this I am grateful, because there are very few people whose struggles interest me. If you are one of those people who gets their head stuck in the door on your way out of the house, you are one of them! No, no this is a bad habit - that of keeping company with those whose folly amuses you. I like to keep the circle of friends irony-free. But I have at long last uncovered another painful truth- I am fundamentally undateable! How I slogged toward this conclusion is not important, I am just looking forward to dedicating my remaining years to bitterness and ire in my studio.

-xo

Posted 1:32 PM by Lambchop

Vomitola Personals

SWF: seeking friends. Will buy you inappropriate gifts. Will follow you from the bar to your house, from one party to another. Will get to know your acquaintances just to get to know YOU better. Will show up at your front door uninvited. Will AIM you every ten mins. to tell you about useful things I bought on Ebay, such as a sofa beader or synthetic crotch toupees (they look so REAL! only 50 bucks for a whole set!). I will track your movements, knowing when you are on and offline and I will chart the places you go to see if you have been doing things without inviting me. I will call you up 20 times in one day without leaving a message, forgetting about caller ID, finally I will leave you an angry, drunken message at 3am to ask you where you have been. I will hound you for your advice on menial details of my day and then ignore whatever it is you say. I will be overly familiar from the first moment we exchange names, and express my hurt and angry feelings when you fail to reciprocate my awkward intimacy. Then I will spread nasty rumors about you but still hold out hope to be your dearest friend. I will take back everything if only you will love me! Please direct all response to SWF@vomitola.com.

Posted 4:29 PM by Lambchop

What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Lambchop.



Me and the old school chums collected in NH, one year older and further embittered. What do we still have in common? Childlessness, irresponsibility, we love Blur? We also love to float on the river for hours at a stretch, smoking and towing a cocktail raft. We had a Japanese cuisine night, white trash grillin', rum drinks served in gigantic pineapples, midnight moonlit swims, fireworks, the Gay Parrot Disco, and mud wrestlin'! We inflated a giant castle in crayola colors and set sail with it on the river.

Life has its downs, even greater downs, and downers, but I hope I will always have NH on the fourth of July. Do you think I could sell these pictures as Scat Porn? Maybe if I crop out the kiddie pool.

-xo

Posted 10:33 AM by Lambchop

les salaires de la douleur sont philosophie



Autoportrait avec la gueule de bois

(Self-portrait with hangover)

Posted 8:22 AM by Licketysplit

l'odeur de la crainte



Je colle mon museau dans l'existence — il sent de rien.

(I stick my snout into existence — It smells of nothing.)

Posted 2:58 PM by Licketysplit

Fancy drinks and lucky toasts

Everyone, please enjoy your holiday weekend. Do as Leah's mom* suggests and wear pots on your head if you are in a shootin' kind of neighborhood. No handling fireworks unless you are a carny, and stay away from all the ucky carbs in the potato salad. I always pick them out.

Earlier this morning I asked "Dear Ethicist: Should I put on pants? Also, is it wrong to eat a second microwave entree if the other one did not fill me up? It was only 230 calories."

I am still waiting to hear back. Every second he dilly dallies is another that I stay like this. By that I mean taller and happier than you. And thinner, since I eschewed the second entree.

I'm in a punchy mood because Mr. H and I somehow went through a lucky tollbooth a few weeks ago, and things are going right, right, right. We should go back and find that grizzled hillbilly with the friendly eyes and buy him a corn dog. I imagine he took us into his good favor simply because we were the first people that day not to heat up the change with the cigarette lighter before handing it over. Don't worry, hateraters, because I am sure all this rightness will be followed by a period of wrong, wrong, worst.

For instance, the T in my keyboard starting sticking shortly after receiving good news. When Wheel of Fortune gives you R-S-T-L-N-E, that's pretty goddamn generous because there are a lot of Ts in words.

I leave you with this summation of everything in my heart:



*Get a blog!

-xxoo

Posted 2:44 PM by Licketysplit