State and Mania

Our Lambchop hasn't been the only one hitting the open road, oh no! I took the opportunity last weekend to hit the high seas. Mr. H and I stayed in a swanky hotel in Portland, Maine, complete with an all-glass porno shower stall separate from the tub. We meandered around Portland, where we discovered the chief pastime of the locals is heavy drinking. Then we headed over to Peaks Island on the ferry, a 15 minute ride past WWII gunnery fortifications and inexplicably large houses on private islands in Casco Bay. Mr. H's grandparents live in a little house on the island, which they bought in 1961 for $750. Average property value on the island is now approaching half a million dollars and up for ramshackle cottages. But they ain't sellin', and I'm glad because I like to visit.

Mr. H took some pictures:



Even the housepets on the island are ramshackle.




Godzilla.


A dire warning by the Great Head Light House:
(Ok, it is not really called that. It is called Portland Head Light.)




To the lighthouse.



Oh, as Lambchop so rightly pointed out, this *is* a blog, so I shall also detail my menu: Saturday Lunch: Gram's Pot Roast, 4-bean salad minus one type of bean that no one cared for. Saturday Dinner: Shrimp and Lobster Scampi, Lobster Quesadilla. Lots of locally brewed beer. Sunday Breakfast: Seafood omelette, red pepper home fries. Sunday Lunch/Dinner: Lobster Roll, fried scallops (to be fair, this was consumed in Portsmouth, NH), chocolate ice cream with chocolate jimmies. I've lived in New England 7 years now, and I can finally wrap my mind around saying "jimmies."

And parking, let's not forget about parking, this being a BLOG and all. There is a top secret FREE parking lot in Portland. You can park in the police garage a few blocks from the ferry on the weekends, even overnight. Taking a car to the island costs $65, and you don't really need one anyway. It's nowhere near Nantucket size. Portland also features ample meter parking, and the valet rate at our hotel was a scandalously low $10. The locals are friendly, and will chat you up and make fun of the people from New Yawk City. One waitress also thoughtfully pointed out that since the economy is based on tourism and fishing, there is "fahck all" for jobs up that way.

-xxoo

Posted 12:58 PM by Licketysplit

Po' Boy

ahh yes, the highlights of our Menu at K Pauls

-fresh hot cheddar jalapeno rolls and molasses walnut bread
-Boudin, a sausage stuffed with rice, flash fried into a crispy patty
-bronzed salmon and oyster with a hot walnut sauce

After supper I rolled around the french quarter, taking the obligatory peek at the Girls Gone Wild on Bourbon Street. I only stayed there long enough to down a cosmopolitan while my friend Jim got roped into playing the washboard with the zydeco band in a touristy bar.

I spent all day yesterday working on getting Jim's possessions into a truck and getting us on the road (ostensibly the purpose of this whole riot). By "working on" I mean that we rose at noon, had a three hour lunch at a great little out of the way seafood place (spicy crawfish stuffing balls!), hit the drive-thru daquiri shack, and then made our way over to the storage lot. Drive-thru Daquiris! Drinking while driving is perfectly legal in New Orleans, and you will see old ladies pull on flasks at stoplights. Drive-thru Daquiris are brilliant! You can also get shots of whiskey at these drive-thrus.

Carting Jim's stuff was thirsty work and so our friends sent us off afterwards on a sea of Makers Mark. The killer of the evening was something called a Car Bomb. Its a half glass of Guiness with a shot of jamison in it and a shot glass of Baileys. You dump the shot glass of Baileys glass and all into the Guiness and glug the whole thing down in one go. After that, you start talking mistily about the old country and you take bets like "i bet you can't eat six saltines in sixty seconds". And I most certainly can't and trying really hurt. Well, thats New Orleans for you.

Now its San Antonio or bust.

xo

Posted 1:34 PM by Lambchop

Yeah, you right!



I spent yesterday strolling the garden district (hoping to run into Anne Rice so I can kick her in her fat crotch). So many mansions, each more elaborate than the next. I mean, servants quarters and a mercedes being buffed in the drive kinda fancy. It got pretty hot, so there was nothing else to do but sit on the porch of a great hotel, having fried catfish and mint juleps.

In the evening we went to Mama K-Doe's, which is a bar and shrine set up for the legend Ernie K-Doe "Emperor of the Universe", by his wife Antoinette. K-Doe is like the Little Richard of New Orleans. this place is packed with memorabilia- from a life sized dummy of the Emperor himself to his drivers license and cell phone. Then we zipped over to another bar to see the Treme Brass Band. Think Louis Armstrong singing "Gimme My Money Back". It was really great. Their bass drum player is Uncle Lionel Batiste- he is 71 and very sharp with an eye for the ladies. At intermission he came to my table and offered me his autograph- he drew me a little picture of himself with his drum! Did I already say it was really great? I mean really really great? At one we went to still another bar to see Sun Pie and the Louisiana Sunspots. They played cuban african, blues, and Zydeco music. Really Great! I wolfed down black bean and chicken quesadillas and the accordion sang! (hee, the drummer was from the band War. You know, Why Can't We Be Friends?) Did I already say it was really great?

Shake it!

-xo

ps. today I am having dinner at Paul Prudhomme's restaurant. Nothing to do in this heat but have a mint julep and bake on the deck for a while until suppertime. Where I will have a vast quantity of tasty food, whose contents I will detail to you (this being a BLOG and all).

Posted 5:18 PM by Lambchop

When the levee breaks...



The wild and beautiful sprawl of New Orleans made me quickly forget the Ugly Americans I was surrounded by en-route. Ok, I did not exactly forget them (they talked loud, dressed loud, and even smelled volubly) but my culture shock dissipated. New Orleans. Right. There was a bit of flooding here- the rising Mississippi. The cabbie mistook me for a local because I went straight from the airport to a bar. The Half Moon. It was not exactly in a ghetto, but a ramshackle part of town. I have never seen such a variety and splendor of Shacks. In the evening, I went to the French Quarter to see a local band extravaganza- they were a mixture of Tom Waits, southern gothic and carny music- with a pump organ, standup bass, violin, walkie talkies, megaphones, and a rubber fish. The singer dressed like an old fashioned undertaker with mad hair and a john waters moustache. It was full, beautiful, and melancholy music followed by stamping and howling. Amazing. I rambled the narrow streets of the quarter, eating spicy food, drinking bourbon and glimpsing the river. Then my friends took me to Snake and Jake's Christmas Tree Lounge, which was really a pressed tin shack covered in christmas tree lights.

Welcome to the Last Bohemia!

-xo from the Road

Posted 2:08 PM by Lambchop

Dear Kitty Winn,

I hate my job, but it keeps me in mascara and Marabou mules. Sleeping under my desk has failed to score me an unemployment check, and I am uncertain as to how to proceed with something so tiresome as "My Future", were I to simply quit. What should I do?

signed
unskilled at all things legal

Dear Unskilled,

Something has been dreadfully amiss in your education. Why do you not know that mascara and mules are things that men pay for?! The fiscal responsibility for your loveliness belongs to your clock punching love monkey. Must Kitty draw you a road map to his wallet? Job, indeed. The only reason for having one of those is because we look so smart in tweeds and it is occasionally good to have to rise before noon.

If work is getting you that down however, it is time to inform your mate that you will be staying at home until Fox offers you that special you have been talking of. Be prepared to offer him something in return, however- it might be as workaday as frequent fellatio, or as demanding as you getting sprogged up. Kitty Winn is not a huge fan of infant spew, teletubbies, or the handling of rubber feces-filled pants. But that is a very personal choice.

Good luck and let me just add "Gold Card".

-Kitty Winn

Posted 4:19 PM by Lambchop

I would like to thank the Academy...

Licketysplit is the goddess of good ideas and comfortable footwear. I have been so heartily welcomed- I even received this handsome cell phone and fruit basket! As marv of a time as i am having, I am not long for this corner of the land. On Thursday, I am headed for the Big Easy (stifle your chortling, Lickety). Its the beginning of a two week road trip, destination L.A. Along the way, my pal Jim and I plan to see giant oaks, an exodus of bats, greasers, and maybe even greasers with bats. We are also going to stop in Las Vegas. As if the desperation of that town won't be palpable enough, we are stopping in Roswell, New Mexico.

Gonna skin me a crocodile!

xo

Posted 9:04 PM by Lambchop

Blow me up Buttercup

So, the project I'm dealing with is now officially in "flaming barge of school children heading right for the Statue of Liberty" mode. Did I mention the kids have explosives strapped to them? And head lice? In other words, an unmitigated disaster. Only Spiderman can save it now. You think I'm kidding? Well, someone just asked me a question about an "XML std." Uh, that person meant dtd, but I'll take all the comic relief I can get. Now I'm just going to sit back, put my feet up, and wait for the FBI and possibly the ATF to contact me regarding my earlier gratuitious analogy with the school kids. And tomorrow I'm going to call out sick with a bad case of the "XML."

Speaking of firearms, I have a new hobby a' brewin'. Target shooting with small side arms. With a wedding gift haul of unwanted Precious Moments figurines just a month or so away, I've got to learn to shoot. A friend has promised to buy me and Mr. H a gun for a wedding present if we get our licenses to carry. We actually hope we get some sad-eyed angel figurines now, so we can take them to the range and pick them off one by one. The destruction will be filmed. Sometimes just returning something to the store is not spiteful enough!

I'm feeling especially entrepreneurial lately, as I wile away the hours thinking of how to get out of this job without being totally poverty stricken. So Mr. H gave me the idea for "blowyourshitup.com," an extension of our own awful gift disposal plans. It's a niche market, to be sure. Newlyweds unfortunate enough to not receive wads of cash will mail us their stash of useless crap from Things Remembered, and we'll do the rest. Just choose "shotgun," "steamroller," or "sumo" from our destruction menu, and your commemorative DVD in a flocked velvet box will arrive in 4-6 weeks.

But really, my true calling is designing escape fantasies. I'm a natural. No, really. It's my number one export these days. The gross national product of Licketysplit.

On a much more positive note, Lambchop has landed! There was a sighting today on Newbury Street. It was hard to tell it was her at first because of the huge dark glasses, but the fawning throng that assembled gave it all away. So she's back in Boston, and you should beep her 9-1-1 and call her on her cell phone. Meet her by the friendly-ass bear.

-xxoo
Annie got my gun

Posted 5:16 PM by Licketysplit

Let me hear your body talk



Murphy's Law #421: right after you go try on your backless wedding dress and decide, "eh, it looks good but I have absolutely no muscle tone whatsoever," and vow to do nothing but eat protein and do lat pulldowns til the wedding, there will be a free Herrell's ice cream buffet in the lobby of your workplace.

But I resisted! I am SUPER HUMAN. In another month or so, I will look like a SUPER MODEL. Yes, I'm shallow. Whatever gets you through. My inner bridezilla has ripped through my chest like one of those acid-drooling aliens. I had one woman down at my feet pinning my hem, and another woman with the most incredible face lift plying me with tiaras and yards of tulle, while still another clucked in indeterminate Eastern European at the one hemming my dress, no doubt commenting on the junk in my trunk. I gazed lovingly at myself in the gigantic mirror, tossing my hair this way and that, pausing only to kick Magda when she slowed her rate of pinning.

My bridezilla is tap dancing with a cane now, "Hello my honey, hello my baby....send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire." It's oozing a trail of slime behind it as it goes off to form a kickline. I'm sunk.

-xxoo

Posted 2:19 PM by Licketysplit

Auf Wiedersehen



Lambchop is all over the map. I spent this weekend on an island in the Baltic Sea called Usedom. 40km of fine white sand and charming coastal towns and shacks that sell smoked fish stuck in some bread. To die for! Not to die for, was that naked east germany was there- the ugly half. Which really took me out of the mood for swimming. I was too afraid of bumping into some shriveled jolly grandfather cock while doing a backstroke. Instead, I waded and took lovely long walks and just enjoyed the hot sand beneath my feet. I also got to fly over the island in an aeroplane- you know the kind that look like a Cessna but are light enough to push into the garage? Oh, it was simply gorgeous.

This week finds me at the end of heading 'em up and movin' 'em out! I depart for Boston on Friday the 13th. With enough luggage to shame Marlene Dietrich. Welcome me softly my pretties, I shall be happy to see you.

xo

Posted 11:18 AM by Lambchop

No, je ne regrette rien



Nous devons apprendre à mourir, et à mourir dans le plus plein sens du mot. La crainte de l'extrémité est la source de tout le lovelessness; et cette crainte est produite seulement quand l'amour commence à s'affaiblir.

(We must learn to die, and to die in the fullest sense of the word. The fear of the end is the source of all lovelessness; and this fear is generated only when love begins to wane.)

Posted 11:09 PM by Licketysplit

I am not afraid to try new snack foods

I have frequent opinions, and I love giving them. It's even better when I am paid to do so.

See, I was walking through Faneuil Hall to go to Crate and Barrel, and I saw that a crazy lady up ahead seemed to be stopping people. I was about to scuttle by and avoid her, but I was arrested by her line of questioning: "Do YOU eat yogurt?" Why yes, yes, I do.
"Do YOU want to make $15?" Once I ascertained that it would take about ten minutes and not involve photography or removal of clothing, I could honestly say "Why yes, yes I do. " Self-interest really is the key to any sales pitch.

So I was ushered up into an office above the F.Y.E., and filled out a short demographic questionaire, on which I lied flagrantly. Then I was taken to a conference room. The table was covered in empty yogurt packages, all different brands. My interogator came in, bearing a tray of dixie cups and little baby plastic spoons. She made me identify the yogurt brands I currently purchase, those being Stonyfield Farm and Colombo. She seemed pleased. Then she hauled out some Stonyfield Farms cups with new packaging. The first one was a chocolate flavor, and it featured wavy grass with some chocolate chips in it, being surveyed by some omnipresent cow head.

I started laughing, because I am exceedingly juvenile. "You must know what that makes me think of," I said. Oh Lawsy, what a design mis-step. I hemmed and hawed, mentioned that they had better add a dewy sheen to their fruit photography, and I want to see some fruit cross-sections, damn it, and that the ivory plastic looked more hippy-dippy recycled than the white plastic, which is what they are going for, right? Then I had to go through a tedious evaluation of competitor packaging. As a general aside, I will say that those Yoplait whips, custard yogurt infused with air, have got to be the nastiest thing every invented. Carbonated milk curd, mmm.

Finally, on to the taste-testing. And the first flavor was...banana-vanilla. I fucking hate any unnatural approximation of banana. I politely gummed around a spoonful, trying not to gag. "Well, it tastes like some ungodly bastard offspring of a tropical Starburst. I wouldn't buy this in ten million years. What were you thinking?"

Next, blackberry. Hurrah, why not. It was pretty good. A little too sweet. I was given water and made great show of cleansing my palate. What fun. "Wait, wait, let me SWISH." Then I tried some other stuff which was basically flavors they already have reformulated with that franken-fiber, inulin. Whatever. "Will this make me poop a lot?" Enquiring minds want to know!

Finally, "So when do YOU eat yogurt?" Ummm....when I'm crash-dieting? I mean "as a healthy snack to supplement meals."

Soon I was being hustled out the door, $15 in cash in my sticky paw. I also got a whole bunch of coupons. Whee.

After I spotted this link on Rebecca's site, I realized I had been a part of the ground-breaking "Trends in Yogurt Consumption" study. How monumental! If I could only secure employ doing a survey every hour. That's $15 an hour, plus I would never have to buy food again. Sure, the sour cream survey could get a little hairy. Don't get me started on the prospect of the hot dog survey. But I would be doing good in the world, as banana-vanilla has so far stayed off shelves, clearly all thanks to my vehement protest.

-xxoo

Posted 11:21 AM by Licketysplit

The Ship Song



It just goes without saying that a Nick Cave show is a rad thing. He flailed and growled and punched the air with his fists. He tickled the ivories. Not quite the same without Blixa, though. Who else murders a guitar with that kind of grace and contempt? Still, it was a great show and hallelujah we all did cry.Then it was up the gangway for the glitterati party. The word "honored" was stamped on my forearm upon entrance. The boys from the band were all there, besuited and besotted. I did not get Nick to cha cha with me, sadly. But it was really an amusing evening, downing Kuba Librés with Conway Savage and spinning around the deck poles. Alexander Hacke put on Slayer. I passed my catalogue around in the bathroom. Fancy!

xo

Posted 9:35 AM by Lambchop