A pox upon the House of Vomitola

Wave the incense and wooden crosses! Hurl a dead cat over your left shoulder! Poor Lickety has the Plague. She has swollen nodes and blackened gills. She is feverish and her lungs are covered in pustules. Her lips are cracked and blasted as she draws in choking final breaths.

But she is most pleased to be home from work.

Doctor Lambchop will be coming round to see her soon with a case filled with leeches, lances and unguents. Please send lots of mylar balloons and little stuffed animals because she just loooves all that tacky crap. And a person ought to die happy, if they possibly can.

smooch

Posted 4:06 PM by Lambchop

Lambchop wants to Know!

So I am into medical accessories these days. My newest painting contains what looks like a Liv Tyler fairy on her way to be martyred in a back brace. Which is not a bad idea, really. Anyway, kiddies, your humble servant lambchop does love realism and is taking a break from the studio hunched over this keyboard with ribs wrapped excruciatingly tightly in bandages. I feel like I am under 6 feet of mud. My advice to you- never break anything if you can help it.

But it's not all about me me me. I have also been hard at work on an investigation that will benefit you, Dear Readers as well. I have composed the following letter to that all knowing sexpert, Dan Savage . It reads:

Dear Dan

My friend wants to put me in an empty bathtub and pour bottle after bottle of champagne over me. To which I would happily consent, but I fear injury to my tender bits when sitting in all that alcohol. And though I hate to repeat unsubstantiated lore, I even heard *somewhere* that Natalie Wood ended up in a hospital after springing into just such a cocktail.

So, Dan, help a young floozy out- is this risky business or can we pop our corks and have at it?

-drink me

I am chewing on my pencil waiting for his snappy reply. In the meantime, if any of our Dear Sweet Adorable-as-a-Puppy Readers have some relevant input, please feel free to share. You will remain anonymous unless otherwise specified, much like the dockworkers Lickety and I sell favors to on weekends.

Posted 5:01 PM by Lambchop

This post dedicated to LiveJournal users everywhere

Today I drank a Fresh Samantha Strawberry Desperately Seeking C. I've got some kind of cold, or maybe it's a sinus infection, so this should help.

Nutriton Facts:
Serving Size 8 Fl oz (237 ml)
Servings Per Containger about 2
Calories 130 Calories from Fat 0
Total Fat 0g 0% Daily Value
Saturated Fat 0g 0% DV
Cholesterol 0mg 0% DV
Sodium 15mg 1% DV
Total Carbohydrate 29g 10 % DV
Dietary Fiber 2g 9% DV
Sugars 24g
Protein 2g
Vitamin A 80% Vitamin C 1000%
Vitamin E 100% Selenium 50%
Calcium 2% Zinc 10% Iron 4%

Ingredients:
Orange juice, strawberries, apple juice, organic evaporated cane juice (4%), filtered water, grape juice, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), rose his, lemon bioflavanoids, zinc gluconate (Zinc), Sodium Selenite (Selenium), Beta Carotene (vitamin A), and d-Alpha Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E).

So tonight I might have pizza for dinner. I can't decide if I want sausage or maybe fresh basil. Hmmm...or maybe some hot peppers, you know, that sinus thing again.

Posted 4:52 PM by Licketysplit

O incompetence

You're all in luck, I am pretty freaking incoherent today. A heady blend of dayquil and giant starbucks latte is coursing through my veins. My eyes are glassy, I can barely hear a damn thing save a dull roaring, which could be my monitor or possibly the voices screwing with me. It would be easy to sneak up on me and scare me if anyone were so inclined. And what do I have to do today? Lots of busy work. Print shit out. On the scary big "tabloid" sized paper. Use a 3-hole puncher. I should probably swear off using the paper cutter. Yes, normally I do fairly complimicated technical work, but these days I am the secretary. Secreting everywhere. And it's not even like I have James Spader for a boss!

Speaking of amputation, it is my fondest wish to have my little toes removed. They serve no purpose, and they make it hard to wear fashionable shoes! I'm not talking about any kind of accident, I want full anesthesia, a reputable cosmetic surgeon, and a prescription for some top-notch drugs for my extensive recovery period. Yes, I want it to look like they were never even there. Tootsies as smooth and gleaming as other parts of my anatomy.

Lambchop, I have set out a bolt of the finest burlap, and it is my fervent hope that the gnomes will scurry out and whip up a flouncy frock for you! I've called several bridal supply stores, and they were a bit brusque as they informed me they did not carry any live animals, nor do they have any truck with burlap. I guess we're going to have to do this ourselves.

In other news, my sister is being stalked by a crazed Saved By the Bell fan! Godspeed, li'l tofu boots!

xxoo

Posted 11:01 AM by Licketysplit

O Canada!

No, as benign and Narnian as Canada may be, you are not the first one who wants to live there. Who would have thought?

I did not see the State of the Monkeyshines Address, as it aired here at the hour when all good Germans are out drinking. My evening was informed at the cabaret by a trippy breakdancer who looked like Mr. Clean, some handstand acrobatics, and the swallowing of many ping pong balls. (not by me- all I managed to swallow were several glasses of beer. If I had been more ambitious, I would not tell you about it, anyway.)

Anyway, all is right with the universe because Mr. Nick Cave is releasing a new album. I can't wait to listen to it while I try on my bridesmaid's dress made of dyed peach goose feather and black dog's nose pumps!

smooch

Posted 8:07 PM by Lambchop

tuna walls?

I got take out sushi from Shino Express on Newbury today. On the wall there is a painting of a silhouette of a woman, sort of a teal color, looking very much like a Duran Duran album cover. Her lips are bright pink, and she's hosting a hefty piece of tekka on her chopsticks. And swirling teal letters read: Tuna as fresh as your lips.

Needless to say, that set me off but good! I walked back to work humming "lips like tuna/tuna kisses..." My friend S speculated that this was a translation from Japanese that was actually more meaningful than the orginal thought. Infused with a hearty significance.

Anyway, life is sheer dada at this point. I've decided to solve the wedding problem by hiring a stand-in. I am picking out heather's dress....it's going to be a good one! Can't wait to see you tooling around the floor doing the chicken dance!

Last night I watched the State of the Union address. Of course I really set out expecting American Idol to be on, but alas and alack, there was my least favorite winged monkey, in full becufflink'd regalia. I shouted lustily at the screen for the first fifteen minutes, then I feel asleep. And when I woke up, the Democrats had trotted out a God-honest Chinaman to give their rebuttal! I expect this was to counter all the tight shots of the one female Reublican and the one Black Republican in the audience. Anyway, Governor Locke managed to not start frothing at the mouth with rage (which is what the Democrats probably SHOULD do for a change), and he navigated the moderate waters valiantly and even concluded with a rousing "God bless America!" Oy. The subtext of the whole affair seemed to be "at least we all agree we are not down with Allah." And before I feel asleep, the Shrub had managed to tout a Hydrogen Car and condemn abortion and any research involving cloning. I think I conked out right after faith-based initiatives. The human mind can only withstand so much torment! What a sense of defeat. I've voted my bleeding heart liberal conscience in every election since I turned 18. But what good does it seem to do? There's all those states in the middle of the country to contend with!

I think my only hope is to move to Canada. I'm going to call up the Prime Minister, whatshisname, and see if I can come for a visit. Surely they've never encountered the situation of someone WANTING to move to Canada before? This could be one for the history books!

xxoo

Posted 2:49 PM by Licketysplit

Ahh, weddings!

So what if you have to arrange for hundreds of people to have an irksome time, all the while dressed like a cake decoration? Check dignity at the door and force all of your acquaintance to form a Conga line! Anyway, you will be so dizzy and pitter patter with loveliciousness, that you won't notice any of it. I, on the other hand, as your lambchop of honor, have to wobble around in something deliberately calculated to be more hideous than that froth you are coated in, and in front of a date. Must I do the Achey Breaky in front of someone I hope wants to sleep with me?! Can't we just take some acid on a beach, anoint your two precious heads with oil and call it a day?

No? Didn't think so. Well, I hope you go for something with a bustle!

Speaking of bustle, I am having another entirely uneventful day. Although, when i tried to coax some cash out of the ATM, i could swear I heard tinkly laughter before it thrust my card back at me. Oh I also finished my newest painting. Its about strange friendship. Lets be other people, eh clyde? Maybe my next picture will include a figure in a white veil. With a flesh colored eyepatch- a waxen faced cyclopean bride!

smooch

Posted 7:44 PM by Lambchop

nattering round up

So we long ago decided that I am usually right, but Heather is far more quotable. Hang on to your knickers, nelly, this guy is a regular Bartlett's!

I am loving his reason for why no one needs to drive a Humvee: "you're a dentist, not the right leg of voltron!" aughh.

xxoo

Posted 5:12 PM by Licketysplit

drop a boulder on me, lord, or whatever method your might prefer

Ok, this is not a typical rant, but I need to vent. I'm planning a motherfucking wedding, and I'm awash in a bilious sea of taffeta and shrimp puffs. $60 per person to feed Uncle Burt, Aunt Henrietta, and Big Fat Cousin Susie and her own unruly brood? I haven't seen these people since New Year's Eve 1986 (I'm not even kidding). I really see why women freak out (who watched Bridezillas last night on FOX? Admit it!) when confronted with all of these horrendous options for commemorating your nuptials. Today I'm at the point where I realized I just don't care anymore, I want to hire a wedding coordinator, give them a budget, and we'll just show up on the right day, stinking drunk. So I go Googling for Boston wedding coordinators, and I find...drumroll please....Klasi Events of Attleboro, MA....Dorna Love's Wedding Daze of Lynn, and most notably Phat Katt Productions. Holy Fucking Shit. Not only do they cater to the big fat bride, they remind you that a basket of ladies toiletries in the restroom is a must for one's guests!

Yes, you can't throw a wedding without handiwipes. Now I don't think I'm asking for much...an outdoor location in September for 75 people that will allow us to bring our own booze and have bar-b-q catered by Redbones. So if anyone out there has a palatial backyard they feel like renting out, let me know! Believe me, I've already lobbied for Vegas. Shot down. We are destined to have some unholy jamboree. Stay tuned as I unravel mentally over the next few months.

Oh, and yes, I've been to Indie Bride. Didn't help! Feh. A pox on wedding bullshit.

Posted 3:32 PM by Licketysplit

tap tap tap

this is what my friend had to say after a rousing round of Pop You in the Pooper- "HOLY JESUS CHRIST MOTHERFUCKING COWSHIT"

that pretty much sums it up from my end. ha ha. end.

after my near brush with greatness, the world seems so grey and lifeless. oh wait, i live in berlin and the world is grey and lifeless. thankfully, there is cheese and lots of it. so i am going to find something to melt some onto. sausage, toast, a pen cap, whatever.

"...pop you in the pooper buddy dee dee dee..."

smooch

Posted 9:21 PM by Lambchop

A little bit country...

No, I'm not going to talk about that stupid Osbournes Pepsi commercial... Instead I want to share the latest in gay porn star country music. [Via Faustus, who is always an enchanting read, and Aaron, who is smarter than me and reads things.] I have decided that I want to hire Jeff Stryker to sing at my wedding! What do you think, "Pop You in the Pooper" should get all the aunties onto the dance floor.

See Lambchop, I can't top Tom Hanks, but I'm always prepared to bring up the rear anyway. ow.

xxoo

Oh, P.S., I still can't find MJ RC.... I think she has a photo shoot for www.gothharpy.com today. Maybe tomorrow?

Posted 5:10 PM by Licketysplit

PS

I don't mean to imply in any way that Steven Spielberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Hanks are all gay men. Gay men with Beards. Beardie Weirdies.

So please do not sue me.

If Nick or David should ever care to sue me, then by all means. But I hope it will be catered and that you'll stick around for cocktails.

Posted 7:02 PM by Lambchop

Missing Tom Hanks

I actually almost went to a gym today. No, Lickety, not because of the promise of untoward behavior in the sauna. I was going to tag along on a guest pass with a friend to her aerobics class. I wish I could participate in the same way that I enjoyed 20 minute workout before school as a kid- in my pajamas with a big bowl of fruity pebbles, hooting at the alien women doing squats in their neon tights/ fluorescent thong combination. (it was olivia newton john's decade, after all!). Anyway, I didn't end up having to jump up and down to awful german pop music because my friend spent too long on her makeup. Maybe she knows something I don't about those saunas.

I decided randomly to troll the huge cineplexx at Potsdamer Platz. I like watching movies in a theater. Even bad ones. But I get there and wouldn't you know it

OH MY GAWD!

there was a throng of people clotted in fron tof the entrance and they appeared to be drooling over what looked like a length of red carpet. Oh great, I thought, celebrities! I happened upon the Berlin premiere of Catch Me if You Can. No movies for anyone but men in pancake and a typhoon of carmen electras. After pausing a moment to feel like a special part of the greatness, I wanted to go home. A debate ensued because some of my friends wanted a peep at Tom Hanks. Now, while I would delightedly accept a supper invitation from Nick Cave and most happily take a turn around the park with David Bowie, I like to think of famous people like bears- they are more afraid of you than you are of them (and as long as you don't feed them or attack their young, you won't have to shoot them). No way in hell am I going to stand around outside for two hours in the middle of january pressed up against people I would never voluntarily touch, craning my neck for a glimpse of Leo's pre-pubescent moustachery and an overweight Kip Wilson.

My friends say "oh, we like ourselves, don't we?" Maybe we do. When I got home I turned on the news, and sure enough, in front of the Sony Center in a glorious haze of flashbulbs were Spielberg, Hanks, and DiCaprio.

and i just needed to say Oh MY GOD I MISSED TOM HANKS!!!

smooch

Posted 6:44 PM by Lambchop

Tom Cruise-y

VinDiesel69: i have something for you to post as an anonymous quote from me.
VinDiesel69: or something.
lickety: is it about retards?
VinDiesel69: like, i want to say this on my blog but it's too icky even for me, but your blog is great for it
[ed. note! We LOVE backhanded compliments!]
VinDiesel69: no, icky men cruising in the gym
lickety: ooh yeah
VinDiesel69: OK, i mean, I've got pretty good gaydar, whatever, i can tell when people are trying to pick people up in the sauna: they go from steam room to sauna repeatedly, cool off with a shower and a drink, then do it again and again.
VinDiesel69: but when the straight people can tell, and the gay people are openly disgusted and relieved that you've left the room,
VinDiesel69: you KNOW you're overdoing it.
VinDiesel69: I mean, this guy was NASTY
lickety: am i missing the boat on lesbian cruising at my gym? I never get that kind of attention
VinDiesel69: He was lying on his back on the bench, lifting his knee to his chest and rocking back and forth suggestively. I wanted to say "ye gods man, put those away! You're scaring the breeders!"
VinDiesel69: i doubt it.
lickety: i guess chicks are more subtle
VinDiesel69: I mean, are there rules about women's room behavior?
VinDiesel69: like, never pick the stall next to someone else, or don't sit too close to someone in the sauna?
VinDiesel69: keep your legs crossed closely?
VinDiesel69: wear your towel? don't make eye contact?
lickety: mostly people are very polite
VinDiesel69: my guess is "would you like to have coffee sometime?"
lickety: i recently discussed american idol and joe millionaire with someone and her friend
lickety: maybe they think i was hitting on them! we *were* all naked

So, to recap, gentlemen, for chrissakes be discreet! My friend Vin (is that anonymous enough for ya?) from the above exchange seems to get all the hot locker room action though...Always makes me feel like there must be something wrong with meeeee!

P.S. I am in no way saying that Tom Cruise is gay. Tom, please do not sue me.

xxoo

Posted 4:01 PM by Licketysplit

Deep Impact(ion)

So I awoke this morning and checked all the porn in my hotmail, and then when I logged out, I see a story beckoning to me from the MSN idiot portal. "Swelling star threatens world, providing preview of what awaits Earth." First I thought it was going to be about Jennifer Lopez and/or Ben Affleck, and I just can't get enough of those two. Then once I figured out it was all about Science, I was genuinely alarmed and proceeded to skim it with as much attention as I can muster after half a cup of coffee. I was prepared to get all excited and order a wet suit and gas mask, but then it turns out the Earth won't fry for another few billion years. They snuck that tidbit in at the very end. Ho hum.

But I may be a day late and a dollar short with the gask mask anyway, as I see I've missed the Miss Gothic Massachusetts pageant! Oh calamity, oh cruel serendipity. Oh misery that the photos of the "winners" aren't published yet. But! Do not depair, gentle reader. We are proud to announce that Vomitola will be providing in-depth team coverage of the event via special correspondent Mary Jane RottenCrotch (as soon as she is found, we are checking interstate rest stop bathrooms now). Oh wait, heather is passing a slip of paper across the news desk...it seems she has been located, and she's just in the middle of a streaming web cast about the hardship of taking her corset collection to the dry cleaner. Phew. Well, when she's free we'll try to extract all pertinent info!

Oh, and last but not least, we'd be doing a real disservice if we didn't provide a whizz-bang Golden Globes wrap-up. Sorry about that.

xxoo

Posted 11:13 AM by Licketysplit

We are Going to Hell

this was penned long ago by matt from the Wurst. And its called Goin' Down Syndrome. thanks j.o.!

the sight of you baby gives me a bone/must be the extra chromosome
they said i took advantage/but who were they foolin'/i know she wanted it/ 'cause she was droolin
only one girl can satisfy my lust/that's the girl that rides/the short school bus

yeah.

Posted 3:51 PM by Lambchop

Unfriendly-ass Boston

Who would have thought the Friendlyass Bear would ever cease to grace Boylston street with its ponderous bronze bottom? I used to work right across the street from old FAO, and when I wasn't watching homeless people coupling in the BayBank ATM (another woefully absent institution!), there was ol' Friendlyass, carefree and ample cheeked. And there was the company president sneaking up behind me and screeching at me to get back to my terminal before she throttled me with my headset.

Man, was she a bitch.

Speaking of bitches and muddy bears, I have monthly blues pretty badly. But I am not all moon womanly jazzed about discussing such topics, so look elsewhere for a rant about tides and bad moods. lets just say there are no chocolate chips in my cookie today.

However, nothing cheers one up more than tales of 'tards. I myself went to a Special School. See, I was in an accelerated program with kids from all over jersey city, and we got booted out of the normal public school where we collected (for knocking a baby out of a stroller and onto the tarmac during a game of touch football. Accelerated kids and their high spirits!) Anyway, my orphaned program was taken in by a Special School. We occupied the top floor of their building, shared their stinking cafeteria, and tried not to stare at them openly masturbating in the nurses office. We did not have much contact with them- but they would come up to our auditorium for holiday parties. Halloween was the best. All the mongoloids and pinheads dressed like animals, and plants. I remember them gathering around to sing a song. Picture all those raised tuneless voices, out of sync- and a really gangly pinhead dressed up like a bumblebee dancing, antennae bouncing, and moaning out the words to "Lean on Me".

yeah.

Posted 3:23 PM by Lambchop

New, in snacks

Today I am having some off-brand Muddy Bears from the Kandy Shanty next door. So far so good, but I am not enjoying them as much because of the lack of packaging. Sure, it is more economical to get one's chocolate-covered Gummis from a bulk bin, but I am missing out on the picture of the demonic, scatalogically inclined cuddly bear. Look how his eyes raise heavenward as he contemplates the brown manna plunging down on his gummi hide! Trust the Germans to come up with such a filthy treat. Incidentally, you can purchase Muddy Bears in their rightful packaging at the candy counter of your finer Blockbuster outlets if you are interested.

Oh, I also tried a sugar-free chocolate covered almond. Someone at work is on one of those no sugar diets. The downside of eating sugar-free candy? Anal leakage! It didn't taste particularly good, or particularly bad. But now I am positive I can feel it worming its way through to victory! Me, paranoid? Of course! It's what I do best! No standing for the rest of the day, just in case.

Now back to bears...I have had the distinct pleasure of working next door to the FAO Schwartz Friendly-Ass Bear statue for quite a while now, but apparently the store is going to close! People were simply not buying enough action figures or $80 stuffed whales in these tough economic times. What is to become of the Friendly-Ass Bear? His plump bronze buttocks shall be ignominiously pried off the sidewalk! He may be sold at auction. I am going to find out when and where so I can take him home. He'd make a lovely addition to any front yard or cathedral ceiling'd rumpus room, frightening children and adults alike. And he'd look so bitchin next to my Silver Spoons train set. Oh, the memories. What's next, paving the dog field?

xxoo

Posted 1:39 PM by Licketysplit

I want my juice box

Dear Lambchop,

I don't think we could ever be this socially unaccceptable if we tried! (and I know we will give it our best). Please feast your eyes on The Tard Blog, the positively true adventures of a special ed teacher. Definitely take the time to go through the archives. I wonder how long til someone figures out who is writing this and fires her?

xxoo

Posted 12:28 PM by Licketysplit

I've always wanted to eat my weight in dill pickles

Do visit Malepregnancy.com! This would be a terrific idea if reproducing weren't such a bad one already. Be sure to check out the "hospital's" other projects, including the transgenic talking mouse.

Way out there in interweb land, I spy my sister making an appeal for new shoes. Wishful thinking, child! You'd best put up a PayPal begging button or an Amazon wishlist to get anywhere. Saaay....maybe I'll put up my Amazon wishlist. Except I want really embarassing stuff. Everyone would laugh at me. Especially heather. Ah, anyway, back to the shoes. May I recommend ones made from dogs' noses? The finest way to travel. Failing that, you might want to set your existing shoes out overnight so the elves can come and cobble them for you.

Ok, if I'm still hopelessly bored in a bit I'll post the Lambchop FAQ! I assure you it's a corker.

xxoo

Posted 3:06 PM by Licketysplit

always crashing in the same car, always beaking up the wrong tree

Enough said.

xxoo

Posted 6:52 PM by Licketysplit

secret little message

Happy birthday Rich. You are one of the good ones.

Posted 6:42 PM by Lambchop

separating the havrilesky's from the have-nots

Yes, write us! We are full of opinions and inapplicable anecdotes! We are full of malarkey! We like exclamation points!!!!

So I got brand new teeth today. I am going to go out first thing and have a steak and an apple and a blo pop, preferably all balled up in a crunchy, sticky, sinewy mass. Thank you, teeth, though i shall miss the gumjobs!

(in case you just tuned in, i had an accident involving some marbles, a pair of skates, and a semi. That will teach me to perform roadside slapstick!)

smooch

Posted 6:26 PM by Lambchop

addendum

so, you have everything straightened out with troop deployments and the sampling of fabulous golden issue. good for you private!

but if you think your proboscis is a luxuriant aid in your spelunking activities, you have a long way to go. Beaking is just plain embarassing. While you are whittling away at the little man in the boat with your nasal rudder, we are wondering why we ever became sexually active in the first place. You are seized by the shoulder and hauled upstairs as our only recourse to sending you out to bring us a donut.

No Beaking!

Now, beaking while wearing glasses. Just think about it...

smooch

Posted 6:08 PM by Lambchop

Damned Don't Cry

Aw, poor Steve Strange... He was assaulted in the street by a common thug wielding a knuckleduster! Why him and not, say, Glamboy? Boggles the mind!

xxoo

Posted 1:13 PM by Licketysplit

i love the big ones says kathy sally thinks.

I get the best spam ever. If that subject line doesn't entice one to read on, whatever will? I guess my second choice would have to be "26 pics of teen girls getting ass reamed in the ass." I applaud that for both specificity and redundancy.

Say, Heather, thanks for reminding me of MLK day! I just realized I shot my Black People Love Us wad a day too early! Silly me! I suppose I should cast about for a Little Black Sambo fan site or something to make up for it, but I fear public outcry. Speaking of the public, should we post email addresses? I would love to get some reader mail going, maybe some problems we could publicly address!

Sample letter:
Dear Lambchop and Licketysplit,
I'm torn, befuddled, and perplexed! My boyfriend wants nothing but anal sex. And I know I'm supposed to be *gay,* but it just doesn't do it for me! What should I do?
signed,
Scaredy Cat

Sample response:
Dear Puss In Boots,
You should do what we always do: Poppers! Failing that, try to strike a balance of the finer things in life. Take some time out in your relationship to try a new flavor of iced tea, or listen to that new Starbucks Jazz CD compilation. Heather has been known to loosen up by rearranging her living room, perhaps trying a new fabric softener. And I like to achieve ultimate relaxation by arranging my book jackets by color. Soon you'll be but a puddle of a man, ready to trip trop the anal staircase. And should you feel any trepidation, lie back and think of the Snuggle Bear! Ease into the rooting and tooting, you'll learn to love it as much as we have.

xxoo
L & L

So come on readers, dial us up on the ol' interweb! We are here to help!

xxoo

Posted 10:33 AM by Licketysplit

O! Banana

Here is something for which no comment is really necessary. A whole lot of ass really speaks for itself. Watch the video- you'll be so glad you did!

Anyway, that Sssexy Sssnake reminds me of something that weighs heavily on my heart. That's right, the Banana. I read just recently that fungus and pests have devastated the plants, and they simply don't have the genetic diversity to combat the problem. Like the Amish. Anyhoo, what kind of life would it be without bananas? How can we go on if banana pancakes are extinct? What will monkeys eat (and what will happen to Matt LeBlanc's career)? But seriously, if i put a lovely ripe banana in your hand and told you "Savor this baby, its the Very Last One You Will Ever Eat", wouldn't you just burst into tears, thereby destroying your final banana moments? And that would most deservedly make you feel like a real schmuck.

Gather ye bananas, while ye may...

Licketysplit and i may at least console ourselves by marketing the world's first Bananapon- yes, the cheery, fragrant banana tampon!

smooch

Posted 6:43 PM by Lambchop

Kikkoman <3 Powdered Toast Man

Continuing with my tenuous grasp on the marine life theme, may I present Hi Ho in Sake. Watch for the tail slapping!

This episode contains a toothy shark and a melon piñata. And if you only watch one episode, make it "Shitting a Brick".

Hoo wee. That little song will drive you nuts for days! Apparently those are mascots for a DSL service. But who knows for sure? Too bad we don't speak "asian."

I think maybe now we have to worry about the charges of racism more than the XXX rating? Next thing you know people will be accusing us of claiming all black people look alike?

xxoo

Posted 7:23 PM by Licketysplit

those kooky asians!

When you are done with la femme flatulence, it will please you to know that Kikkoman has tired of Japan! (and he's stacked!)

Last month Lickety made me look at fetish videos involving girls with butter dripping from their chins letting insects crawl into their mouths and swallowing them. Something about all those legs, i guess.

THANKS FOR SHARING; PETUNIA!

For my supper, I am off to gum some noodles. Can we do anything today that won't receive an XXX rating from someone, somewhere?

smooch

Posted 1:22 PM by Lambchop

She is very famous in some fetish video

No, not Heather! Hee hee. These ladies have some very special talents. Probably not work safe, but no nudity. (You don't have to install the language packs to enjoy!)

"So, farting is hard she said, but every girl enjoy farting in room." So true! Yes, it's a Japanese farting fetish video series, and the many descriptions are all written in delightful Engrish. I laughed til I cried!

Ok, on that note, or some other note entirely, I'm off to have lunch at Legal Sea Foods. I will be sure to get the fried clams. Or perhaps some other tasty mollusk. At any rate, I'm going to insist on opening them with my teeth.

"She want to fart in outside, She said that "If I fart in public, I will be good..because most of all ladies wants to fart in anyplace perhaps..."."

xxoo

Posted 12:10 PM by Licketysplit

Hot Clams!

It is indeed tragic the way we can't gain admittance to the Dead Poet's Society. But its nice to know that you get shandied and have smoothies brought to you in the tub, proof that sometimes nice boys like us. I am in no mood for fraternizing with boys, nice or not. I refuse to leave the house until the new teeth i ordered arrive. The temporary ones have become loose and have a habit of landing in the stew. Just the other night i was growing impatient in a losing battle with a sandwich, so i plunked them into my champagne glass. A whirlwind of elbow patches as the english majors took to their heels!

To me Sundays are the equivalent of the flaccid zone. I am going to eat some coffee grinds.

24 hours straight of...

oh sorry! byeee

Posted 8:59 AM by Lambchop

bum bum ba bum

Oh, boddyyy...why do you not wish to discuss your bottom? Are you feeling SHY? You??? I love to discuss my bottom. It's a very important asset! A great giant asset. I mean a sleek, supple asset. I do not want to give our readers the wrong idea! You will vouch for my bottom won't you? And yes, cock, we should talk about that too. When we do there is always trouble. Elbow-patched English majors in wire framed glasses look askance! Or people just assume we are common prostitutes.

I was driving home the other day (ok, my boo was driving me), and we passed a sign that read "HC" in big green letters. And then under that "24 hours." So we were trying to think of what HC could mean? Hard Cock... 24 hours of hard cock? A non-flaccid zone. Violators will be ticketed! We weren't even in the Fens! Speaking of the Fens, I just spent today helping my post-ironic pal move to a 4th floor walkup in the Fenway! eeeeee. I won't be able to move tomorrow after bearing that heavy load (heh heh I said load). If I manage to get some HC today as well, that could compound the situation.

Ah well, I am exhausted...I must go make myself a shandy and retire to the veranda. Who am I kidding, I won't make it myself. That's what boos are for!

xxoo

Posted 5:53 PM by Licketysplit

poor me!

heather is feeling glum today. (reads the sign on the door of my plague house).

but thats what weblogs are for. no matter how useless I may feel, the public is served by hearing about it. after all, unlike everyone else, my woe is INTERESTING!

so i perk up a little every time eudora makes that Log! from blammo xylophone tune, expecting to hear from people who have better things to do with their saturday than to mire in self-pity (and the log tune is itself so gosh darn zippy). alas it's all just the usual notices about how i can be taller, thinner, richer, or more blessed in the cock dept. I am inadequate in ways i never even thought of!

actually, it would not be the first time it has been suggested to me that what would really put spring in my step is having a johnson. Lickety has been telling me for years to consider the graft of a donkey member. but thats because the dear girl really thinks i would make for a fine husband. well, who wouldn't with such equippage? there cannot be two opinion son the point!

smooch

Posted 3:14 PM by Lambchop

The Poisoners Handbook

I have been had by a handsome bartender. He sprang like a gazelle behind the bar: he leapt, he tossed and caught shakers lilke that Tom Cruise movie whose title i pride myself on having forgotten. He got a fat tip for smiling at me. Why are gay men so hot?

anyway, do not fill out any lovetests from crushsgent.com because its just some nosey friend of yours who wants to know if your bottom has ever been intruded. maybe you want this to be common knowledge, but i feel a person's bottom is their private kingdom.

anyway, i think its time i crawl up a plaster ostrich. boddddyyyy, why is my toothbrush padlocked?

smooch

Posted 9:37 PM by Lambchop

dawn wiener

This article is promenading me down memory lane: Fifth-graders accused of poisoning attempt

Ah, the grand tradition of attempted murder. I myself have only tried to kill 3 people. All were unsuccessful, although my sister still has a pretty good scar. Well, I guess that could be downgraded to "almost killed by accident." But the other two, oh man. There was one roommate who shall remain nameless...the other roomie and I used to take her perishable food out of the fridge and leave it on top of the dishwasher to warm up ever so slightly. She must have wondered why we had our own jar of mayonaise marked with our names? That didn't seem to work, so we took to dredging her toothbrush in the commode from time to time. Surely we never rose to the heights of this young gentleman, but we gave it the old college try, so to speak.

Lesson learned: if your roommate keeps his or her own toothbrush in a lockbox, so should you.

xxoo

Posted 5:46 PM by Licketysplit

shakes the clown

so I'm listening to "Shakes" by Tones on Tail...perfectly appropriate since I'm riding the wave of a serious sugar freak out. It's like Lambchop selected it for me! She's my personal DJ...anticipating the various churnings of my digestive tract. Oh, my tract! Say, bodddyy, what is appropriate music for when we ice skate? Immediately I think of that circus song...you know the one..."doot doot doo doo doodly doo doo..." Now promise me that I can eat a canape or two at the opening, I swear I can keep it down this time! You will not need to play "The Choke" for meee, not this time! Although you must also not spin so fast when we dance... it can be a bit unsettling.

xxoo

Posted 1:57 PM by Licketysplit

Muffiny Muffins

Today it was my turn to bring breakfast to my meeting, and I knocked everyone out with a one-two punch of frosting and cake, masquerading as muffins! Oh how I love muffins. The real star of the show would have to be the Boston Kreme muffin, which is frosted with chocolate and filled with a "kreme-y" substance. Gaze upon the magic at The Gingerbread Construction Company. I know this may some mundane compared to other descriptions of two-headed hijinks that I could be posting, but they really are a sweet treat! Meant to be savored and squished betwixt the toes!

xxoo

Posted 12:57 PM by Licketysplit

Who has the indecency to call a person at 5pm when they are deservedly sleeping?! The Universe cannot answer such questions.
But its all for the best- now i will have time for the extensive body farming required before i can show up to the opening tonight. not mine, but the gallerist is all a twitter when i don't show up, because i live right next door and am a safe bet to get drunk and make something interesting happen. (interesting=embarrassing). so yes, i should not think of climbing up on the plaster ostrich and singing a little song about french people unless my eyebrows are plucked, and my toenails pared to a comely shape.

-Lambchop

Posted 12:35 PM by Lambchop

well smother me in hollandaise and take a compromising photo! i mean to use the toothbrush, but you promised to spoon feed me some gruel! this makeshift chamber of horrors has a fine program of force feeding and unlikely stories.

hrmm. you can't post pictures here. well, consider yourselves lucky.

smooch

Posted 7:37 PM by Lambchop

Want to see what I look like with wheels?

So my boo's crazy uncle is the master of baffling communication. He likes to pretend to be someone else. Recently he sent this to the family email list, including his own real email address:

From: "Burt Davis" (not his name!)
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 11:46:33 -0500
To:
Subject: Hi everyone It's Burt!!!!

Hi! I am writing from the Cruise Ship Sauffley in the Indian Ocean. What a
great crew. Every night, right after dinner, we have life boat drills and
life vest drills. We have met some great people during these drills.

Some people we met at dinner, were Bob and Samantha. They were married the
Saturday before we left. Although Samantha is not my type, she got Burt
laughing so hard when she was blowing raspberries on his belly.Bob is about
30 and he works in San Francisco as a salesman. Samantha works as a model.

Captain Rochette has been very informative. He says that we are going past
the Cape of Good Hope tonight. We will be in South Africa this evening and
Mr Mandela will be our guest on board. I hear he has some stories about the
old times, and you know how much of a history buff I am.

Next week, the guest of honor is someone named Khadafi. Henrietta thinks he
is sexy and mysterious under that turban. I just think of that guy in Harry
Potter who unwraps his turban and there is a face that talks!!! Yuch! Can
you imagine eating and having that guy unwrap a face!!! Not me. Henrietta
can go alone. I'll watch Samantha blow raspberries on Hollingsworth.

The weather hasn't been bad, except for that day of rough seas. We had hit
some typhoon or such and a few people got blown overboard. They have not
been found yet, but it is assumed they swam toward those islands we saw the
day before. While I was walking along in the bulkhead, I saw the room that
they had. It was huge and spacious so, knowing they wouldn't need it
anymore, I asked the Steward if I could get the cabin. After paying the
upgrade, both Henrietta and I feel it was well worth the price.
Hollingsworth has his own bed, and it is a relief for us.

Well, thats it until next week. I'll send some more photos next time, and
god bless.
---

So, I decided to out Uncle him:

From: "Mimsy Varden"
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 4:21:15 -0500
To:
Subject: Mimsy's Baaack!

Burt!
Mimsy Varden here, I used to be Mimsy Van Der Ploo? I know we haven?t been properly introduced, but perhaps Henrietta has spoken of me? Hopefully she didn?t say anything that bad, ho ho! Anyhoo, I am so glad I?ve tracked down the elusive Davis family? A friend just mentioned the lovely letter they got about your latest cruise and I thought to myself ?Can it be? Henrietta! It?s been years.? So if you can put Henrietta on the computer to read on from here, I?d be much obliged. Kisses, -mim

Henrietta, darling, it?s been far too long! This is such a stroke of luck. What a small world really. You see, I?ve been moving around quite a bit in these last few years. I?m sure you heard about Armand?s accident through the usual grapevine. I just couldn?t face the world for months after that. So off I went, one bag and a heavy heart. I stayed in Switzerland at first, in and out of various spas. It really got terrible boring. You can?t imagine the American Nouveau Riche and how they dominate a dinner conversation. I do not understand to this day what is a ?dotcom.? Is that like a kibbutz? Such a long way from our simple days at school!

I?ve thought of our friendship frequently. I tried to send a postcard from Peru, but I wasn?t sure if the address was right. Did you get one of Lake Titicaca? No matter, I?m sure it was nothing but dribble?I was having quite a time with the pills. From there it was off to Tanzania, where I met the most wonderful guide while I was on a safari. He?s my idea of big game! Yes, I?m still a naughty lass, Henrietta. But I didn?t let him get away, I married him! He wanted to stay in Africa, but I really don?t trust the natives, even though they seem a beautiful people. Now we?re back in New York, just trying to get the renovations on the apartment wrapped up. The one bright spot in Armand?s whole ordeal was the settlement from the petroleum company.

But enough of my trials. I did receive the adorable photos of Hollingsworth in a Christmas card, what, 2 years ago now? They were luckily forwarded to my deposit box in Paris. How is he progressing? I hear they can do wonders in those special schools these days. Ah Henrietta, do write me back! We have so much to catch up on. Missing your wedding left me feeling like such a heel. I owe you one or five, old girl!

All my love - mim
--

Ooh, I hope Henrietta writes back! It's so nice to have a loon in the family. Lambchop said it reminded her of a genial T. Herman Zweibel, and I'd have to agree. I hope Mimsy connotes enough of a gin-soaked fading harlot?

xxoo

Posted 5:52 PM by Licketysplit

AOL Keyword: Bukkake

Hello, and welcome to Lambchop and Licketysplit's Makeshift Chamber of Horrors. Quake as we alter the very fabric of time and space with our will! Salivate at our delectable mentions of Clams Casino!

Bodddyyy, pipe up at any time, I promise to let you talk this time! And you can even use the toothbrush tonight!

xxoo

Posted 10:53 AM by Licketysplit