Holy Kristallnacht, kittens. We got really drunk in 1985 with Pete Burns and Steve Strange, and it looks like we set the time machine on a crash course for 2016 when one of us passed out on the console! Last thing I knew, we were riding an elephant and Pete was throwing a rhinestone plucked from Steve’s g-string at the mahout.

We stumbled out today, only to find that Glenn Beck is dressing like a Brooklyn dad, and Joe Walsh is suddenly a non-disappointing human on Twitter maybe 50% of the time. The people have chosen a new leader who has painted himself orange and spends his days hooting loudly. Is it related to a football rivalry? Some misguided non-canonical Braveheart cosplay? We’re simply not sure. I think this deserves more study, but Lambchop is hoping we can just kick back and catch a Prince concert over the holidays. But I’m all for understanding the situation enough to set the time machine back a few weeks and distract the people somehow. What might hold their attention? Oprah, probably. — Licketysplit

Never use a time machine to try and rectify history. Have crappy sci-fi films taught us nothing? Apparently not, for we decided to Bill and Ted our way around time, not killing Hitler or anything as unoriginal as that. We did have a lovely Christmas dinner with Belle Gunness (she so enjoyed carving!) and give a young Bruce Jenner some makeup tips. I wanted to suggest something IMPORTANT, like seeing Bowie play at the Berlin Wall but then Mary and Pete Burns got into an argument over martini recipes and here we are in 2016, having clearly wrought something terrible. Everyone good is dead and someone engorged an oompa loompa* and handed him the keys to the kingdom.

Of course, some features of this alien terrain are yet recognizable. Black men are still systematically used at target practice and women get paid less for the same job. Oh America, you be YOU! Still, I think we should have let young Bruce figure out her own eyelash extenders. Something about a union with the Soviets?!?  Are you people *that* nostalgic for the 80’s? Pete Burns will be glad to hear it! Wait, what??? — Lambchop