But they can eat the hell out of some tulips. Oh! Oh! They are up too high for you to reach? Why don’t you yell about it and look wistful? It’s OK, cat, I can’t fax either, and I have thumbs. I put that shit in upside down yesterday. Ghost fax! Casper the friendly blank [...]
We have floors! And baseboards, like people! No more sod house for us, Nelly Olson. You bitch. The contractor finished this morning, and he proclaimed that the entire job looks “the balls.” He left me with some noxious chemicals for cleaning, and I left him with an oversized novelty check. Then I determined that he [...]
Mr. H and I had a lovely weekend a few states away. Despite the supreme foolishness of bringing helpless life into the world and blowing out an entire wall of poorly wired outlets with a table saw, we still like each other. I trust this is because no one else will have us. We sat [...]
This week, we’re living in a hotel. I could get into that, what with the room cleaning itself and lackluster food just appearing by magic. I just wish it were a nicer hotel. Maybe the kind with $15 nuts in the mini bar. That would be great. Instead, we have a view of all the [...]
This sandwich would be sharp cheddar cheese with sliced tomato and alfalfa sprouts. There should be mayonaise on both pieces of the bread, which should be whole wheat with extra jagged bits. Hi, internet, hi! Did you hear that? It’s the End of the Day Alarm. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Share:
Today is cat horrifying day at long last! She’s still stuffed in the corner sulking because the contractor and his team dropped off the wood for our floors so it can “acclimate.” Wait ’til she gets to go stay in Mr. H’s parents’ basement with the rats next week. The workers helpfully commented in Spanish [...]
I called my parents yesterday since I hadn’t talked to crazy in a while, and my dad answered. He always sounds guilty when he picks up, as if he’s been rudely called away from dismembering a hooker. He said he was just finishing up manufacturing a batch of colloidal silver. Yes, at home, with lasers! [...]
Yesterday I got out of a ticket for speeding through Cow Town*, NH, with the “I have to pee!” excuse. Do give that a whirl! If you aren’t suffering from quick-onset obesity like I am, just slouch and tenderly pat your abdomen. Fucking breeders. After escaping the law, I was glued to a story on [...]
No scratches! No! No! Stop it, kitty. NO THANK YOU is what parents who do not always follow through say when their child misbehaves. NO THANK YOU KITTY. Who’s the kitty? Who can stay mad at you? Certainly not me. Pass me some of that crab dip. Think you’re people! Man alive. I keep forgetting [...]
Madge, I’m soaking in it. It’s March now? Why and how do these things keep happening? I can’t keep up. March always makes me think of back when companies were coming up with really stupid names, like marchFIRST. Whatever happened to them? Oh, bankruptcy, apparently. And remember when PwC changed their name to Monday? Sadly, [...]
