Recently it was brought to my attention that women are using the technology, including the computer! Did you know women use the computer? For a while I used a graphing calculator when I took a few years of calculus. I think that was technology, but I’m not sure. I also use a flat iron and [...]
Internet, I cannot provide you with the filth I had planned to smear today. A new baby is here, innocent and, well, a little fat. He could stand to lose a few ounces. Never too early to watch the figure. Please welcome Declan Patrick*, delivered this morning by an Italian Oompa Loompa. His mother and [...]
Today Vomitola.com is closing early for birthing. Boil some water! Didn’t I tell you I was secretly 9 months pregnant? No, I’m just retaining fluids. Stop looking at me. I just got my friend’s call from the hospital, and it went something like “ow! ow! ow! motherfucker!” So off I go to attempt to be [...]
No, I still don’t feel like setting up the voicemail service on our new phone line. People might leave messages. Ugh! People! Dropping their messages like so many errant pigeons. And I would have to record a greeting, and when do I feel like greeting anyone? Why do I have a phone at all? I [...]
Today I am Honoring My Feelings, and I feel that I should eat an entire chocolate cream pie. But Feelings Are Not Facts, so I won’t. Or something. I think I need some Vitamin Tequila and some Me Time. See, I am coming to terms with the crushing realization that I have virtually no problems [...]
