OMG, internets, yesterday I held a baby, and boy are my arms tired! No really, they are. Babies are heavy. I could scarcely spoon yogurt into my mouth this morning. Uhhhhhhh awwwhhhh. Eating is so taxing already, and now this. The baby was sleeping, and who wants to mess with a sleeping baby? Babies are [...]
It’s Saturday, a day for getting over hangovers, brunches, picking dead skin off one’s toes while sitting in the sun, Lindsay Lohan panties, and organizing fonts. Goodbye, Charles in Charge font, why did we ever meet in the first place? I think I am going to make a font called Lindsay Lohan panties. I’ll be [...]
I wore my largest pair of sunglasses to brunch today, and I came down with quick-onset glamour poisoning. I hate that. I feel faint. I could barely finish my blinis. Living in a small town is insane-o. In one quick trip to the coffee shop, I encountered my hair stylist, the local crazy person who [...]
Clearly I need a karmic tune-up. Therefore I sent several emails apologizing to people I’ve been avoiding. Dear you, I am writing to say that I’m sorry for not touching base again about your client’s project. It sounded tedious and terrible, and I am sure you are a terrible person to work with as well. [...]
Yes, we’re floating in space. We’ve been off our pills for a while now. We’re on drugs though. We’ve got vitamin sunshine. Thanks, Tom Cruise. Let me know how assassinating the president of Venezuela goes. See, I half pay attention. That’s all you get, current events. Fifty percent of my attention span, dispensed in spotty [...]
A talent agent was just sitting around his office minding his own damn business one day. His next appointment came in, and he asked “How may I help you today?” “Well, I have a mildly popular internet web log,” said the lady seated across the desk. “Oh, I don’t represent people who write on the [...]
Yesterday’s post was #666. I am not so mature as to not be amused by that. Today is all bokka-bokka-bokka, where’s the feedback, pay the parking tickets. What’s for dinner. Also I have here a bill from a hospital, and it wants $124 for an “EM RM/FT – INTERMEDIATE.” Egg McMuffin Rand McNally/Full Twist? I [...]
This crappy website simply could not exist without our vast network of spies, also known as Revenue-Optmized Partner Affiliates. We learned today that someone in an office somewhere is handing out candy bars doctored to read “HERESHEIS” to announce the birth of a female child. What does one hand out for a male child? NUTRAGEOUS? [...]
Tuesday in cats: The Flaming Lips sure can clear a room (of cats). Tuesday in Zellweger: Alert readers pointed me to this. So this is where Zellwegers come from! I am not sure what happened to my Zellweger. I sent her out to return my empties two days ago. She seems distracted lately. Tuesday in [...]
Oh, you don’t want that to happen. No sir. First the o-rings pop out, see, here, and then we have to cut this out of the main line, and I’ll just need these plastic bags to wrap it, yeah, sure, like a grocery bag, I’ll need… three’s good. If you hear a hissing noise, just [...]
