Whassup, Internet? I watched ten minutes of the Oscars. Hilary Swank had her dress on backwards, and Chris Rock is black! Oh, oh my. Swank swank swank I like to say it swank. Antonio Banderas sang some song about Shrek with Beyoncé. I think. It’s that time of the year where Mr. H and I [...]
I am going to scoop Licketysplit by informing you all that she is a concubine of Satan. Yes, she is the devil’s mistress, his bilious booty-call. I am sorry to bear such tidings, but it is true. At this very moment she has a bat sleeping upside down above her very marriage bed. She claims [...]
O best beloved internet, today I took some time from my busy schedule to worry about getting that bird flu and whether or not Hilary Swank will wear Vera Wang. Then that baby of my acquaintance stopped by. Here’s the thing with babies: They are swirling existential voids. People think babies don’t know anything, but [...]
I’m glad Lambchop reminded me we were running for president today. I was down in the town with the little people, purchasing a new car. Disposable autombiles are a brilliant invention, and every President’s Day, it is a great thumping thrill to get a new one and heave the old one into the mire. I [...]
It is President’s Day, a holiday for which there is no festive activity. No one really knows what to do. I encourage everyone to fold their one dollar bills in such as way as to suggest that our first president was, in fact, a mushroom. I have been finding out all sorts of Fun President [...]
Man, it has just been a pigfucker of a week. Lambchop had to suffer business travel, and I had to recuperate from illness and deal with a client that told me “wooden” is spelled with a double “d.” It was all I could do to refrain from lapping from a bowl of beer at 10 [...]
While Licketysplit is filling buckets, buckets full of love, I am covering the phones here. It reminds me of when we had a Sunday radio show. We were doing lesbian kisses before they invented them for TV. But that was only because we were hoping it might offend someone. Anyway, one time after the usual [...]
Last night I had to wrangle a baby of my acquaintance because his mum had the pukes, which he thoughtfully gave to her. He’s all better, don’t worry. We made a pizza, and we had a nasty disagreement over how much oregano to use. Then he was still steamed about that, so I agreed to [...]
I’m back in greater Massachusetts. I saw a lot of dogs in Baltimore. That was great! I love dogs. Every other block, one could say “Look at that dog,” and mean it. I was not discovered on the shuttle. I can’t understand why not, after all that special treatment in Baltimore, such as the car [...]
Licketysplit is flying back today from the Galapagos. She says that the little creatures are indeed still evolving. I refuse to believe it, until I see actual proof of their hooked beaks, and their gaping craws. What? Oh, my fact checker says she was actually in Baltimore. Oh yes, we have a fact checker now. [...]
