Bitches, this is the year I need to monetize all my channels. Because other bitches straight up do not pay on time, even bitches that are normally totally good for it because they have, I don’t know, comptrollers or CFOs or whatever. I do not know what the problem is. Everyone must be off making [...]
Current mood: EAT EAT EAT Current music: something catchy from Aimee Mann about being a sad drunk at christmas Current terror level: financial, existential I am talking to a flooring company about doing something to some floors. Their slogan is “A walk in the woods brought home.” For some reason, I’m picturing something involving ticks [...]
I whipped up a batch of my famous clam sandies last night. That’s what you’re all getting for xxxmasxxx! Actually, you’re not getting anything. Someone is getting Star Wars legos, someone is getting a sweater, and someone else is getting a wooden push toy that looks like a crocodile. In order to receive a present [...]
I recently horrified my sister by telling her that my father has purchased a bidet for the ancestral hovel. But he cheaped out and refused to spend the extra $300 to get the model with the heated seat and air-drying component. If you’re going to have a plumber come to your home and tear things [...]
Today I awoke to find free cocaine falling from the sky! Pounds and pounds of it! I am so excited. People are taking it for granted and brushing it off their cars. I don’t understand that. It’s a gift from God. I am going to put some clothes on and go harvest some. Later-ish. I [...]
I am a hideous monster, born of the briny, briny deep. I am wearing pants without a waist band. Hey, would anyone ELSE like a copy of my bank records or my social security number? Because I will totally fax that right over to you. I’ve been playing “justify my existence” with several financial entities [...]
Christ, it’s Monday again. There was a holiday dinner, and I survived the gauntlet of one billion hugs. The mashed potatoes were instant, and I almost ran screaming into the cold when I found out, but I toughed it out and ate them anyway. Mr. H’s Indian co-workers livened up the proceedings by graciously enduring [...]
PICK UP PIE TODAY. That’s mine. Also, SUCKER and CHUMP. The mortgage guy calls from a cellphone listed under someone else’s name. The condo fee is now $40 a month higher, and we haven’t even closed yet. haha. And let’s not forget SPECIAL. Mr H made coffee in the French press again today, putting on [...]
I woke up this morning, went about my breakfast and second breakfast routine, and yet I felt too ill to properly enjoy elevensies. I was going to blame the parasite, and I stormed into the kitchen to get the melon baller to have it out once and for all. But then I noticed the half-filled [...]
I went for walkies, and I was not disappointed, despite the burden of physical activity. I saw police action, the super obese, an albino, incomprehensible business cards, and teen satanists. Not bad for an hour. While I was getting my hair blown out on Thursday, the parasite said mean things about nearly everyone else in [...]
