Meet new people, even if they look different to you I went to the mall the other day. It seems public shopping arenas become crowded in proximity to forced calendar holidays. I asked the saleswoman in Bath & Bodyworks for gift suggestions. “I guess I’m after something that says ‘Now that you’re fat!’” No, I’m [...]
Smashy da co-co-nut, hit it with a Mallett! Crack it open and suck out da JOOOCE! Lick the milk up you dirty little monkey, wipe it off your chin, don’t be so OBTOOOOOSE! Ok, ok, so I had some drinks the other night. Ok, i dove into a Scorpion Bowl. Nobody’s perfect. Luckily, it’s all [...]
Our verdict on Mean Girls: not mean enough! Oh sure, people got hit by buses, this karmic comeuppance only second in cinematic favor to dropping a house on someone. But I think they could have done better. They just needed to consult with Lambchop and me, the petty revenge specialists! I suppose you’ll all just [...]
Clammy is off fighting the good fight at the gym. So I am taking this time to send some inspirational thoughts her way, like so many doves. Soon you will be lithe and muscular, nibbling at your Ricola and sniffing derisively at the spare-tire pushup pant wearing teens as they run for the Mister Softee [...]
My Dear Alcohol We have been together for so long, you and I. When I was just a frail teen, you were there to soothe my broken heart. I made such a fool of myself over you. Because of you, I have vomited in potted palms, but you have also made me tender and affectionate, [...]
Well, it’s Day 5 of the book deal! So far, so good. After Lambchop’s brief but eventful hospitalization, we filled her narcotics prescription and shopped for Lip Smackers. I purchased Martian Mallow and Gum Job Galaxy, er, Gum Ball Galaxy. I let my sister the moose choose one, and she opted to coat her pie [...]
