There, you can’t say you were not warned. First, I successfully underwent highlights. I can assure you the results are most subtle indeed. I believe that this technique ceases to be known as highlights when jarring stripes of contrasting color are observed. Then it becomes something else indeed; I have a few names for it myself.

Yesterday saw the completion of an errand under some duress. In the interest of returning to work in a timely fashion, I stopped at McDonald’s and got a Happy Meal. As I was walking to my destination, I approached a very large young lady coming my way on the sidewalk. Not to offend any pleasingly voluptuous readers, but she was of the build where her head looks startlingly small in the context of sitting on top of her body. Arms could not be placed comfortably at the sides. In other words, freaking humongous. She started veering towards me, and she was definitely eyeing my paper sack.

I thought “Oh crap, she’s going to ask me for money,” but instead she gestured towards the bag and asked “Where is the McDonald’s where you got that at?” Phew, off the hook!

“It is back about two blocks that way.”

“JEEZ,” she sighed, “that far?”

I thought about just giving her my bag and running away, really fast. Fast enough to get to my target heart rate!

In other news, I’ve decided my true career calling lies with the CIA. Here’s their list of open positions. Of course I’m most attracted to Clandestine Service, but I fear I would not pass the background check necessary to get a security clearance. Also, I do not speak Korean, and they seem to be pretty hot on that. Wonder what manipulation of international policy we’ll be embarking on next as a nation?

Really, though, you’d think lying, cheating, and stealing would be what would qualify me for the job. That, and I’ve never been caught doing anything bad. I was always the sneaky one. My sister would tattle on herself when we were kids. But no amount of cajoling would ever induce me to release incriminating details. The secret to lying is to lie big. And you must believe your own lie and be able to produce genuine indignation if your story is ever challenged. But I suppose there is a down side to CIA life. For one, I’d have to live close to NoVa when I’m not off poisoning people with asps in backwards nations. And the traffic in Northern Virginia just blows. Still, they do get plenty of sick time, and there is access to two gyms. Sweet.

Anyway, by linking to those pages, I’m sure I’ve put myself under tight scrutiny and will definitely not get a clearance now. Dammit. I swear I would be really, really good at the job. Call me, you should know how to find me!